You used your words, I used my heart. I became unheard, you became a dart. I reached out, you pushed away. I started to doubt but I was forced to stay.
Growing a flower, supposed to be a blessing. but you had the power. And I was left stressing..
Far from family , no one but you,
Loss of gravity, my hatred grew.
You where supposed to be my happy ending, but this chapter was just beginning.
My flower blossomed, she is so beautiful, I became cautioned, you grew so pitiful. Yelling and abusing, but with no bruising. I tried to flee, your family didn’t agree.. threatened like a thief in the night, not knowing my next move, I lost the fight. Forced to stay, forced to love, forced to be a family I always dreamed of.
Never ending cycle , always either up or down. I became suicidal, all I wanted was to be back in my hometown.. No where to turn, I had to learn. Drama, drama always would occur, but I needed to stay strong for her.
Anxiety, PTSD, and now Bipolar, it’s not my fault; I have no control over. Fighting in life , and fighting my mind. Fighting for a relationship I should have left behind. My flower; she’s my main priority, so I had to take control, I had to become an authority. No more abuse, no more being controlled. I had to get a stronghold. Somehow found my way back, but drama follows no matter where I’m at. He lurks in the night, always picking a fight, always thinks he’s right. I try to stand up but I am weak, more fragile than a antique.
Keep reminding myself not to droop, because I have a little flower that needs to bloom. I need to water her, even if its with my own tears, I’m now numb to his words after almost 4 years. She’s what’s keeping me alive, without her I wouldn’t survive. I may have watered her into a flower, but she’s the one who keeping me stronger. She’s my daughter, I’m her mother, no matter what I’ll always love her. I have to make the right choice, I have to be her voice. I never had my father in my life, that’s why I allow him to keep stabbing me with a knife. I’ll feel guilty if I leave this man, that was never the plan. I wanted us, I wanted a family, I can’t be a single mother, but that will be the reality. I need to do what’s best, why is life always a test? She needs her dad, but I need love , am I selfish if I leave him because of something I’m being deprived of? I’m really praying for the best, please lord end this test. Either I stay and be depressed or breakup our family to be unstressed. She needs us to be stable, at this moment it seems incapable. I Hope the goods outweigh the bad, I want to be a good role model with a golden path. It hurts knowing I’m with a man who is obsessed with giving and taking. It is very heartbreaking.. But I also want to keep my family together, to keep my daughter happy forever.
I also don’t want this pain to last so long..
Keep reminding myself, pushing forward, moving on, staying strong.
#PoemsByAngelicaValdez
2 comments
Your story is so well written. True 21st century poetry, and written from the heart. Beautiful!
I hope your relationship has gotten better. My mom stayed with my dad when she should not have. My sister and i saw the toll it took on her cuz my dad cheated and did drugs and just could not or would not change. He would be good for a lil while but addicts go back to drugs when times get tough. And do the cycle would repeat. Also bring a Christian my mom reallly reallly hates divorce. She did not want my grandparents to have been right. They all said they should not get married. my mom did not want to be like her and my dad’s parents. Both got divorced.
They are divorced now. We are all in family therapy. My duster snd in are in our 40’s, our parents are in thier 60’s. They have been divorced for over 5 years. We started family therapy last month. So if your relationship is not better, if it is still killing you to stay with thus man, please leave. Trust me. Your daughter can tell her father is hurting her mother emotionally. My sister and i certainly could. I really has made us not close with our father. Don’t stay if it has not gotten better.