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I Ruin Things

by Isolated

I ruin things. I can’t help it. It’s what I do. It’s who I am.
Every time something is going right for me i sabotage it on purpose. I don’t knowingly do this at the time but when I look back I know that I have screwed it up for myself and that maybe deep down I can’t help but do this.

I’m also a quitter. I quit things all the time. As soon as someone praises me on my abilities I quit. But as soon as someone tells me to stop, that what I am doing is unhealthy or wrong. It becomes an addiction. I can’t stop.

Like for example my last relationship. It was two years ago now, yet the scars haven’t healed over yet. Not physical just emotional, mental. Although I’m surprised that there wasn’t scars. Just a few bruises.

Emotional abuse became the norm. Mind games. Hatred. Manipulation. oh he was good at that one… I was a fat loser, worthless, lazy, ugly. The things he would say to me daily. I remember one day when his best friend heard it for the first time. He stood up for me. My oh so lovely boyfriend tore shreds off him. He could say what he wanted about me because i was his. His property.

I was severely depressed. I gained weight. I tried to eat healthy and exercise. He would criticise me. Why would I do that? I wasn’t fat to him on that rare day. I was just being stupid and looking for attention. All I really wanted was support.

I wanted to see me family but I wasn’t allowed. If you see them I’ll break up with you. Looking back now i should of let him.

His drinking was the biggest issue. It had always been an issue but it began getting worse. First it started when I walked in on him and a random girl in our room. But they were just talking… I was overreacting and he was too drunk to remember so it didn’t happen. Then I told him something that he disagreed with. He had been at the footy clubs drinking all night. He exploded, screaming at me so loud I was worried that he might wake the neighbours. I went to the living room, sobbing into my knees. He stormed out, grabbed me by the arm and dragged me back to our room. I told him I wanted to leave but I wasn’t allowed. Instead i got a bruise on my arm and carpet burn all up my back. But he was too drunk to remember so it didn’t happen. Although he promised not to do it again.

My family had gone down to my shack for easter. Like they do every year. I had convinced him to come with me. He got super drunk. As usual. I was tired so I announced I was going to bed. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I looked up at my reflection and saw him standing behind me. He was angry. Why wasn’t I staying up drinking with him? I said I was sorry and tried to sneak past him to my bed. He grabbed me and slammed me into the wall. This time I lost it. I screamed at him. I screamed at everyone. My family still make fun of me for yelling at everyone that night. They just thought I was trying to be bossy. They don’t know what really happened. Neither does he. He was drunk so he doesn’t remember. It didn’t happen.

The night he got so drunk he hooked up with another girl in front of me was one of the worst. I ran outside crying but it was freezing cold and I was in a dress. He knew I was outside but instead of running after me he sent me a text saying yeah probs shouldn’t of kissed her in front of you. I punched him in the face that night. It wasn’t hard. I know I shouldn’t of though but I did. I was so hurt and humiliated and I couldn’t take it anymore. And you think I would of had the witts to end it there right? Wrong.

Getting out of a relationship like that is impossible. He rang me crying the next day. He was standing on a bridge going to jump. He was saying goodbye. Then he hung up. I went into a full panic and rang his best friend and his parents. They tried to call him but couldn’t get ahold of him. I finally did in the end and he made me agree to meet up with him. He was never going to jump, it was all just a part of his manipulation.

I got to his house and he had roses and chocolates and stuffed animals. That was his apology. Not straight away, but eventually I gave in. I began seeing him in secret. And he began seeing other girls in secret too.

When I found out I vowed never to talk to him again. Thats when the stalking began. He would drive for hours then just sit in his car outside my house. He would call in sick for work. One day I didn’t reply to his message because I was asleep. He cancelled on work. didn’t sleep all night and then rang my parents telling them that I had killed myself. My sister didn’t live far from me and got the owner of my apartment to let her in. I woke up so so confused to find everyone crying. My parents had called in sick to work that day too. They didn’t think I had killed myself, they thought that he had killed me.

Its been over two years now. I’ve lost over 30kgs. I’ve began higher study. I have received multiple scholarships. I have travelled. I use to be a mouse, afraid to talk to anyone, or speak my mind. Today, I am the complete opposite. Most of the time at least. Yet I still live in fear. I have blocked him on most things yet he still finds a way to make contact with me occasionally. Despite the fact that I havent replied in over two years…

I wish I ruined and quit that relationship before it ruined me. Before it made me quit on me.
I have severe anxiety now. The depression is starting to creep back too.
So thank you darling for ruining my life. I have never told anyone about what happened… this isn’t even the half of it. it just keeps getting worse and worse. So thank you.

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SoVeryTired 4/28/2017 - 11:29 am

Reading your post I can’t quite see any evidence to indicate that ruining things is a quality that defines you, wuite the opposite. You managed to get out of an extremely abusive relationship, which is very very hard, and since have made some great achievements.
However, abuse like you experienced leaves you still feeling worthless even after you left the relationship long ago. I should know, I’ve been through two abusive marriages. I stayed in the first on for 11 years. Hey, I’m a slow learner.
My point is, the way you feel about yourself is likely to be severely distorted. It’s very hard to fully recover from such experiences, and you become very conditioned to always blame yourself

SeeSmith 4/28/2017 - 12:09 pm

Things were done to you but you don’t have to let it define you. I know it feels like you have no control. You survived! The healing is going to take a while. Please be patient with yourself.

You got out. You are creating a life on your terms. I think you are the bestest winner ever! Every day people should say how great you are just because you’ve made it this far. Thank you for telling me a bit about your journey!

Even scars heal. I strongly suggest finding a domestic violence support group to help you sort things out. There is power in sharing stories. Also a therapist that specializes in domestic abuse survivors can help.

Right now I’m visiting a friend in England. She had a bad two year relationship with a very manipulative abuser. I’m reading a book she has about CPTSD – Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It’s very sad, but illuminating.

I know my friend will heal. I trust you will, too. I wish you safety and sanity on your journey.

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