Incredibly numb

I feel like I transcend a new level of numbness every so often.

Who knows. Maybe it will get to the point where I won’t be able to differentiate reality from fantasy.

I am getting so utterly numb.

When I think I’ve reached the pinnacle, I am greeted with a new perspective. Even more numb and hopless than yesterday. This life is so pointless.. I really wonder how anyone can find value in life. It truly is a mystery.

You get treated like trash in the real world. Unprofessional really but what can you do? Idiots rule this world. It’s also stupid how 1% of the population owns so much of america. What the hell is up with that.. why would anyone even want that much money? Never heard of over saturation?
It’s like getting a cup and constantly filling it with water even after it’s full. I can understand how someone could be obsessed with money but why the hell would you need more than 3 million in a lifetime?

I don’t want to be some slave for the rest of my life. I don’t want to retire at some old age of say 60. The hell is the point in retiring at such an old age when all your youth is gone? If I want to die now because of my age (and other reasons), imagine by that age?

I am about to be 22 but really I feel like a thousand years old. Imagine then?

No way… I can’t do it.. I don’t even think I will make it to age 25. I can’t imagine it. I don’t want to imagine it. There is really nothing more that I want than to just take a deep slumber and never wake uo. I want to rest. I want to be dust. I want to pretend all of this never happened.

In this world, you don’t get paid what you deserve all because the market is trash. Oversaturated with degrees. Not enough good jobs. I feel like a slave. You have to get into debt just to (in most cases) get a job a highschooler can handle (yes, even those related to your major but obviously there are exceptions such as stem fields, engineering, etc).

I used to have something that kept me whole but I was stripped of it. I don’t remember what it’s like to be happy and optimistic anymore.

It truly was perfect.. why the hell was it peeled off from me?

So pointless. You live only because of instinct. Only because of hormones but why? Just because? What a pointless design.

The part that kills me about this is that this life isn’t leading up to anything eventful. You’re just there. You live everyday and for what? Just to be there?
I hate being human. You live like a slave in a superficial world filled with greedy people that screw it up even more.

Makes me laugh that people are so selfish as to reproduce in such a shitty existance. It’s sad. I feel sorry for every person ever born since it was never your fault to begin with. If you like feeling alove then I suppose that doesn’t apply to you.

Some people see sexual reproduction as good but in my eyes it is beyond sadistic.

There is nothing wrong with death. Peope are just biased but factually speaking, it isn’t wrong.

It makes no sense why society treats it like a taboo. I don’t understand how anyone could want to live. I just don’t get it.

People should really mind their own business and allow people who are tired of life to just die off. They should just see it as natural selection.

You know, natural selection is pointless too in my eyes. Who cares if a species survives. All life is pointless. Really, no one should be reproducing in the first place.

I had one thing. One thing holding me together. One thing that made me feel superior to this trash world but it was stripped from me 5 years ago and there is literally nothing I can do to fix this. Money can’t fix me. A person can’t fix me. I have suffered so much, I wouldn’t be surprised if I have developed some minor brain damage from this 5 years of hell. I was stripped of the very foundation of my being and ever since then, this world became colorless. Black and white.

I used to be the opposite. I remember when suicide was a foreign concept. I remember when age didn’t kill me in the inside. I remember when I looked forward to waking up everyday. I remember actually seeing a bright future.

I don’t remember how it feels however. Too bad it’s too late.

Factually speaking, life in itself has no meaning. It is the individual that gives it meaning. I had the perfect and I mean PERFECT linchpin. Now it’s gone forever. ai am so tired. I just want to sleep.