Post #1,000,001 N

Hello. Back here again. Bit resentful that I am. Didn’t even take that long either. It never really does. So I lost the one person I started to comfortably talk to about this stuff. Told her I had feelings for her and she told me she had a boyfriend. I was the one that decided that we should stop talking. Knew it would be bad if I got even more attached to her. I really didn’t want to be “that guy”. You know every time things start to get better, I know for a fact that reality will bring me back. And it did. Never fails. Although this time was weird. I think it might be the effexor, but the way I reacted to her telling me was bizarre. I just got this feeling that I needed to move. I needed to do something. Had my dad pick me up from school in the morning and as soon as I got home I jogged around the neighborhood. I just need to run. To run and run and keep on running. Effexor is supposed to make you hyperactive apparently. Then I went to the gym later that day. Was there for 2 hours. I just didn’t want to stop. Maybe that’s just me though. Never been rejected. Never got the courage to tell anyone anyways. Well it wasn’t really courage. I did it because of the counseling and medicine and I didn’t need the weight of a stupid crush to bog me down. I needed to get it off my chest. Another weird thing was I didn’t feel hurt. At least I think it wasn’t hurt. I just felt numb in my chest. Like when I think about all my problems and how it makes me feel numb in the back of my head. Is this because of depression? I think I was more broken up about losing a person to talk to than seeing my crush with someone else. And I’m really disgusted with myself for being broken up about something so trivial. I find no point in my life and have no motivation to continue existing as a person, but this is the thing that really cuts deep? A fucking highschool crush. Pathetic. So I’m back here. Screaming into a void that rarely talks back. I despise how I need to be dependent on something. Weather is be a sweet girl, a counselor who I pay to listen to me ***** about my problems, or this site where dozens of other people don’t want to live, I need something. It’s sad really. Being dependent on this. If I was strong I wouldn’t need this site. If I was strong I wouldn’t be in a depression. But I’m not. I’m weak. I’m weak and afraid and unhappy. And I don’t want to be. But I don’t know how not to be. I’ll probably be posting regularly again. Or maybe not. Who the fuck knows. Thanks for listening if anyone is. Probably no one.