To be honest I didn’t realise it could be this bad. I mean I’ve felt suicidal for a long time, I’ve been on and off here for many years and I always find myself coming back when it’s a bad time.
But there’s always been an element of hope and that’s what has kept me going. Even at my very worst before now, when I was only 16 and convincing myself that it was the time to die…I think what really saved me was the thought that my life could be about go change. Start college, get an actual life, meet new people.
But now. I have lived empty years. I’m wasting away. I never thought I could lose all hope but I think I finally have. I don’t want to live to see 2018. I want to actually die. I don’t mean I want the pain to end, I mean I want to be dead.
I just can’t live in a world that isn’t designed for people like me. I am an outcast in this world. I hate what humanity has become. I don’t want to be a human. Its the first time that I think suicide is the only answer.
I discovered the term ‘psychache’ the other day and it really does describe perfectly what I go through every single second I’m alive.
Idk why I’m still talking but it just feels more real than ever before. I have a plan. I’ve forced myself to make peace with it. I’ve even grieved over myself. And it’s been somewhat normalised now so it feels like I have no choice but to follow through. It’s sad but I think it’s the right decision.
I’m sorry to waste more precious time by having you read this but I just didn’t expect I would ever feel so hopeless.
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Very true, I can’t live in this world. It isn’t designed for people like me and some others. I’m what many call the outcast as you said, just wasting away… all my dreams and hope that I had as a kid are all gone and the reality of life has hit me dead in the face. I have a plan to. Maybe we’ll see each other on the other side.
I wish you all the best in your choices and decisions too. Take care and I’m sorry you’ve felt the same way, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
I had to rewrite this, but it boiled down to that I understand feeling like an outcast. If you are dead set on the decision then I wish you best. I just identify with longing to be understood, for familiarity and some sort of meaningful human connection. If I can help in that way, I would like to.
Sadly I think I am set on doing it now. If I don’t do it then I will only put the people around me through more turmoil, and I will only waste more years away. I am scared and I think most people would be, the concept of dying when all you’ve ever known is life is scary. But…you know I think it’s okay for me, there’s nothing wrong with it, it’s probably the most natural thing in the world. I’d rather be a part of this world, a physical part so in the soil and in the trees, than a part of the world that humans have created.
Thank you for your understanding though I very much appreciate it.