I keep thinking that I’d give anything to turn back the clock. Not that I was exactly happy back then, but I was still a person. I had beliefs, standards, morals. I had real hope. There were things I new I’d never do.
The truth is, the seeds of who I am now were sown way back. My situation now is a product of my issues then. Run the tape again and you’d get the same outcome. I couldn’t change it without knowing what I know now, and I couldn’t know what I know without doing what I’ve done.
But I miss my innocence. Waking up in the morning without this weight hanging over me. This fear of what I’ve done, and what I’ll do next. It’s a cage, hanging over my life, separating me from everyone and everything. Desperation leads me to think of ending my life. But there’s no freedom in non-existence.
I don’t know how to go on with this half-life. I keep yearning for the past. There’s no way back. But there’s no way forward either. I’m stuck in this pit that I’ve dug for myself. All I have is gradually fading memories of a time when it wasn’t like this.
Every night, I go back, and relive the things that led me here. My mind can’t let go, because they’re my only link back to a real life. But there’s no way to change them.
I’m so tired of being this. Of forcing myself to go on, artificially, pretending that I have any kind of future worth living for. Pretending that it’s ever going to be anything other than empty. I am an empty shell of who I used to be. A shell of a human being. I go through the motions, but all that’s driving me underneath is the fear of stopping.
3 comments
I’m sorry you feel this way, but I feel you. I’ve felt the same way lately, I wish I had advice to give you that would help. I often think had I done this different would life have turned out different. But then who would I be? Would I still have the want to die or would I be happy I can’t think about it cause it’s just depressing. So I sit as an empty shell waiting for my time
This yearning for the past and reliving it is something I’m very familiar with and not a day goes by where I don’t drift into it. Usually I’ll replay scenarios from my past but imagine them as if I’d done things differently. It gives me relief for a short while.
I can relate to most everything you said in this post. I hope things get better for you, I really do.
Sometimes I think our desperate minds just need a break, and that reliving the past offers some sort of momentary joy, which then turns into sorrow or remorse and sleeplessness and, well, you know.
I didn’t get your meaning of “This fear of what I’ve done, and what I’ll do next.” But otherwise, I’d say you’re not alone in this struggle. Okay, you are alone. I’m alone. But we’re alone together, and that’s something a lot of people don’t have.
Hope that weight lifts for you.