when life has beaten you down and you no longer have the strength, energy, or desire to get back up? I am so broken, mentally, physically, broken in every way. I would care to live if I had something to live for.
And it’s hard to off oneself given the lack of available painless and 100% effective methods. So you’re stuck having to be alive yet dead and broken inside. That’s the worst- to be alive and yet not alive, to be dead yet not dead.
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Honestly we’re probably doing the same thing. Dragging our asses through the hell fire because despite our cravings for death, for peace, the terrorizing burn and hurt of life sickeningly keeps us going somehow.
No energy to live. No energy to die. So we just sit and stare into the abyss.
Sorry if that doesn’t make a shred of sense, I’m having a “moment” and don’t know what I’m rambling about.
“No energy to live. No energy to die.” – Yup, exactly.
Is there no way for you to actively search for something to live for? Just for a little longer even?
I know it’s rough, but even if you can’t really go anywhere, maybe look up something online that may help you?
That’s the thing with depression- you just don’t give a s*** about anything anymore. Just feel life is super crappy and I’m tired of constantly suffering. I don’t want to die per se, I just don’t have a will to live.
It’s been decades so you lose hope that “things will change” that “things will get better.” That’s just pure BS for some unlucky folks.
I can understand that. Isn’t there anything to distract yourself for a while, besides SP?
well gaming, but it’s been damaging my eyes. 🙁 So I shouldn’t be doing much of that. But mindless activities, they’re just distractions. The core pain, hurt, despondency, suffering- is all still there. Yes I “distract” myself, often, but it doesn’t do anything but makes me feel worse in the long run, bc I’m just wasting my time and my life away. But I don’t have a will to desire to do anything productive. Hence, the problem. I just lack a will or desire to do anything. Just tired of this bullshit life.
Gaming? Mindless activities? Put those together and you get, well, me. hahahaha
Again, dude, I totally relate to you. You have no idea.. I really wish I could find something of use to say.
Yeah, i can totally relate. With recent events, i’ve been feeling beat down and at least right now, i have no motivation to better my situation. Just tired of trying to live and tired of thinking about CTB.
This isn’t the first time I’ve contemplated ending my existence, and now having gone through this for over two decades (about 40 years of age now), I think it’s clear that this miserable existence is all that I have to live for, and it is time to stop thinking about it and simply end it. I can’t think of anything to do, any plan of action to go forward with “life”…been sleeping a lot to avoid being stuck with having nothing to do and feeling like shit. I’m barely doing the minimum to “get by”…work, bills, etc…but I know it won’t be long before I can’t do even that.
I shouldn’t have been born…I wish I hadn’t been. My parents are not bad or malicious; they’re just weak and imo unfit to bring children into this world. They don’t seem to have a firm grasp on what they live for and why they are here (not to mention they don’t really get along), and certainly didn’t provide me any guidance with respect to life and my place in it. I will never have children and subject them to the shit experience I’ve had in this world; I certainly cannot be a guide or role-model.
I think I may have a mild degree of autism, and I suspect the same of my father. He doesn’t really have any friends, or a social life…and it’s pretty much the same with me. A general inability to make meaningful connections with others. It used to be that the only lasting long-term relationships I’ve had were with my family, but I’ve since discarded those. Hatred of my life and my self eventually turned into hatred of those that brought me into existence.
I’ve posed this question before to my brother, and iirc he never gave me a satisfactory response: “is it better to die and cease to exist, or to go through a long and miserable life filled with thoughts of wanting to be dead?” We’ve all heard that stupid line “permanent solution to a temporary problem”, but for some of us the problem isn’t so temporary.
Anyway, for some reason I felt compelled to share…I think the comment about “it’s been decades…” resonated with me. With that span of time to look back upon, there is so much more certainty to the belief that there’s just no hope of “getting better”. It’s time to stop dragging on with this life that I don’t even want, that is increasingly difficult to wake up to every fucking morning. I think this is the year I have to end it…I don’t want to go through this shit anymore.