My boyfriend is…. complicated. He’ll constantly tell me he loves me, that he cares about me and that all he wants is for me to be happy. And I believe him cause he’s flying across the country just to spend three days with me before he has to leave again. And so when he tells me that he cares and that he loves me, I believe him. But at the same time he won’t reply to my texts for hours, he’ll spend our time on video call together doing other things and not talking to me, and when he gets “busy”, he doesn’t ever…. *make* time for me. I’m just someone that he talks to in his free time. So when he tells me that he loves me, i don’t know whether to believe him. Any advice?
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Have you actually had a heart to heart with him about these things? Sometimes gentle nudging never gets through to people who have their heads wrapped up in what they are doing and you have to be more straight forward to get them to understand what it is that’s bothering you. The only real absolute answer, in my opinion, that anyone could give you is to talk to him plainly about it and see where that goes.
That being said, I’ve been guilty of taking too long to respond or reading messages and getting sidetracked too. I think the best measure to judge whether they are really blowing you off or if they’re actually busy is how they respond when they do. When my last relationship was ending I had to work extremely hard just to maintain a conversation and when they did respond it was always “oh”, “okay”, “sorry”, or a combination of the three. It got to the point that I could predict the response… Hopefully that’s not your case.
Hope that helps a smidge.
Long distance relationships suck. Y’all need to talk about some things and not being face to face more than 50% of the time makes it harder.
He may be moving heaven and Earth to make time for you, but you can’t see it. He may be playing you, but you can’t see it. This is a super tough thing to figure out!
He may not be paying enough attention to you. You may be insecure and crave more attention than he can give. Once again, hard to know which – especially if you are young and haven’t had many relationships.
Advice: never feel guilty for wanting attention, love, quality time. Say to him that you need more. If he says, “ok, how can we do this?” He is a good guy. If he calls you names or says you are too clingy/dependent, then he’s an asshole.
You have the right to seek the kind of relationship YOU want.
If you ever make a voice recording of the advice you’ve given people over the years, I’d love to play it at night as I fall asleep, because maybe that way, It would actually sink in. And although your post doesn’t pertain to my circumstances, it is good advice. I admire your ability to do this uniquely SeeSmith thing that you do. Genuine (and ofttimes delightfully odd).
I gotta high pitched loud voice. Not comforting. But thanks for the compliments.
Once upon a time I used to give really bad advice. Every problem looked like a nail and I had a hammer.
Having enough run-ins with depression, I learned the best advice was gently positive. Force feeding just makes people close down. Most importantly, no one should feel guilty for being human. Being human means making mistakes. Being sad sometimes. Wanting things that may be out of reach.
As crazy as my mother was, she understood that humans were flawed and That Was OK. When I give advice sometimes I feel like I’m 13 years old, back in my mother’s kitchen, drinking tea with her, and gently, lovingly trying to make sense of this crazy world and how we perceive it.
I hope I’m helping. I hope I’m doing it in a way that is gentle and loving.
SeeSmith, you do help.
Regardless of your high-pitched voice, you should still record. . . either in whispers or we can just turn the volume down.
I can envision you as a teenager with your mom. You’ve shared stories of you and your mother and you’ve shared her art. I have a fondness for the two of you during that part of your life. I’m glad she imparted her wisdom or her gentleness to you.
Funny, I was thinking if this site had existed or if we had somehow met in my younger years, how your advice might’ve affected me. You make a difference. You truly do.
I am too shy to hit on the women I like, but seeking validation, I end up in relationships with women I’m not that into.
I won’t be motivated to make a whole lot of effort, just enough to keep her around. Words and impersonal gifts are my usual arsenal.
When women fall for someone, they fall hard, and I never cease to be amazed by how much they are willing to overlook because they have some fantasy in their head that this guy is Mr. Right.
Judge men by their actions, not their words.