Constants

There’s not much change that occurs in my life, hasn’t been for a long time anyways. Things happen, loved ones die, but ultimately everything more or less continues just as it did before.
One such constant had been these “depression cycles” I would experience. Everything would be mostly fine, then I’d break for a while, cry often, want to die or self harm (though I can say I haven’t attempted either in serious fashion in about three years now due to a promise I occasionally regret keeping) but eventually after a week or two, I’d go back to “normal” for up to 4 months, usually 2 and a halfish. Kind of like a less frequent, prolonged, and extremely emotional, mental period.
For the past month or so I’ve been depressed often. Everything feels devoid of meaning, many things devoid of any enjoyability. I suddenly realized today that for some time, I’m not sure how long but at least a week based on memory, I’ve been thinking “I want to die” “This needs to stop” “What’s the point?” “I don’t want to be here” and such. Which wouldn’t be terribly out of the ordinary, except usually those thoughts are preceded by something negative occurring. Pain, hunger, the reoccurring realization that I will never contribute to society or be able to (metaphorically) stand on my own two feet, the literal inability to stand on my own two feet, etc. But lately, they are completely random, unwarranted, unobtrusive, and until today entirely unnoticed.
It’s like when you’re sitting at home watching TV and you have that brief second of thinking “I have to pee” before you actually pause your show and get up. If someone were to ask you what you were thinking about, you wouldn’t say “that I had to pee”, you would reply with whatever else was on your mind before/after that.
I wonder if this means that death has become like a basic need to me, an inevitable outcome that I’m putting off, fidgeting in my seat until I see how this episode ends.