fight it

I am 26 years old, sailor by profession. I am a very shy and let alone type of a guy, had problems making friends as a child. As i grew up i became even more emotional and sensitive. People say i am smart but i dont feel like it, I think i am average. I think i am a kind and a good hearted person but i do get evil thoughts at times and i have to fight to get them out telling myself “those are bad thoughts”. Since my teenage days i have had suicidal thoughts. I have been in ” in love” situations a couple of times and those were a major factor in the thoughts i think. I did turn into this person who likes the easy way out even when it comes to life and death, but that doesnt mean i dont work hard. I am a sailor afterall. I have had thoughts of killing myself for years together but i never knew i wud really attempt one. It was 3 years ago i was on ship in spain. i call my girlfriend who i was in crazy love with for 2years and out of nowhere i get to know that she has started liking somebody ‘loves’ is what she said so i ask her why did that happend, we were doing so good and we were perfect. She says that she misses me and i am not available and that i am not there when she needs me the most and so she fell for this guy who makes her happy. She says she loves me but she just cannot handle it alone. I wud have left everything for her at that moment but it would still not change anything that has happend. So i ask her so now what, what do you want from this relationship. She says she loves me too much to let me go but she needs the other guy too because he makes her happy when i am not there, so she asks me to let her be with both of us. I was speechless at that point. I felt disgusted and dissapointed of what has it come to. I said no i cant do that, how could i just do that how would i handle that pain. I said no, i cant do this. She says she loves me n she cant live without me n she will go crazy if she loose me. I cut the call telling her i need time to think. I go back to my room sit on my bed and go back to every memory of us thinking of what i might have done wrong to let it come to this. I never left her alone even when i was on long journeys and long contracts i called her every chance i get, from every possible port no matter how expensive those were. I sat there like a dead person for hours thinking about millions of things at once. I couldnt do it, i couldnt see someone else sharing the person that i loved the most, a person i could not breath without. I was too damn hurt and broken. I called her n i said no but i cannot do it, please dont this to us we can get through this i will be back home soon, we can sit and see it through. She says she has thought it through and she is firm on her decision. So i say fine i cant do this i am sorry you be happy with whoever makes you happy. She says no i want you too i want both of you or else she will die. I cut the call and run back to my room. Crying is all that i can remember that night, i cudnt sleep i cudnt eat i cudnt think straight. Then comes the evil thoughts. It was way too easy to just give up, being on a ship its just too damn easy to just jump off n not swim. I remember it was winter season n the weather was pretty cold. I wrote a huge note to her and my family in an email, for how i feel and how thankful i am for everything they did for me and how much i love them but i cudnt send the note already so i send her the whole note asking her to send it to my family later. Hours pass by and for every second i thought i cud just jump and nobody would know for hours and i might be dead already before someone notices but the cold i didnt want to suffer so much. I knew about the fresh water tank that we had on the ship that we used for the WC. I thought of it as the best way of doing it plus it wud be room temperature. I think i was only person awake with a collegue who was on bridge night watch. I wore my slippers and went straight to the water tank, opened the hatch sat there for a while thought about so many things my mind was just full of thoughts and negativity, i decide to go in the tank. I remeber the water was cold and i can still feel it sometimes. It was a double bottom tank n i stay submurged in the upper tank for some seconds and i realise i can come out of the tank easily when i get scared so i decided to go deeper in the bottom tank for really be able to die. I remeber how scared and terrified i was of what wud happen next so i was still holding on to my breath, i went to the deppest corner of the tank and lock myself down in a corner. More than 30seconds have passed and i was still not drowning because i had not let go of my breath and so i decide to open my mouth and let go. I was so scared and afraid but i did it anyways. It was terrifying, the way i started swallowing water and the sound of it and the way my body started gulping down the water. They were the most terrifying moments of my life, like the time had frozen and i was in so much pain but i knew it would end soon because technically i had been there for quite some time now And my body won’t take much longer. on the other side my mind couldnt stop thinking about the people i love. I remember closing my eyes and starting to fall asleep. I remeber seeing my lil niece and my family and i see them crying, it was like a nightmare and it made me feel so sad like i wanted to hold them and tell them how sorry i am. I dont know what exactly happened but i open my eyes and i realise i am still not dead and i can actually hold them again if i want. I thought of all the things they would go through after i am dead and it scared the shit out of me. I remember paddling with my hands and legs as fast and as strong as i could and i gave a strong push on the bottom of the tank to lift myself up, i was weak but i gave it all i had and pulled myself from the bottom and made my way through to the top. I remember seeing the hatch opening and continuously paddling till my head was out of the water. I remember taking a deep and painfull breath as soon as i was out of the water n puking all the water out. I can never forget these 60-90 seconds or more that i was in the water trying to give up my life. It was horrible and was so painfull. It was just so sad and miserable whatever i felt that day down there. I still get chills thinking about it even today. Ayways, So i came out and i sat there for a while trying to breath properly and after a while i get up and go to my room hiding myself from my collegue. I go into the shower and stand there in the shower for almost half hour. I go out and call my mother and i talk to her but i could never tell her what has happened. I call my girlfriend and tell her what i did and to my surprise she gets mad at me for doing that and tells me i would never understand her until n unless i loose her and what importance she should have in my life. I still remember her saying that she would still not change her decision and i can decide what i want, i guess she never understood what i was going through. I say fine she can do whatever she wants n she be happy, i know this might sound stupid but i think i did love her to that extend to let have an affair with another man but i had a hope that she would soon understand what she was doing and stop, months pass by she would still not understand. I get relieved from the ship and go home. as soon as i reach home i go to her to talk about everything. She feels bad and she promises to change and stop whatever she was doing. We were doing good again n we end up getting married without telling our parents that is. We spend amazing time together and forget of whatever has happened and make peace with what we have. soon I get another contract and i fly off to my ship, days pass by and i see some unknown phone number being paid for by my account. I inquire about the number just to know that it was the number of the same person she had an affair with and just to my realisation i was just being cheated upon. I should have never trusted her after what happened in spain and now I could not believe what i got myself into but it was enough. As soon as i finish my contract i file for a divorce. I tell everything except the suicide attempt to my family n i was blessed with their support. It took 18months just to get a divorce but it seems better than ever since. I spend most of my time with my family now and we have never been as close as we are now, i have a cute and most amazing girlfriend who i cannot stop talking about. Bought a new house. Things have changed so much from inside out. So much i learnt so much i went through and so much i achieved. It all started from the moment i came out of the water, being strong at that moment changed my life. I feel really bad for the people who go through similar situations and they attempt suiside and dont fight enough to get back up and die. Its a sad death n i feel bad. I hope my short share helps somebody. I ll feel blessed if someone reads this and decide to give life one more chance.