I have wanted to die for a little over 5 years.
I have given myself a deadline. I am currently 22. The oldest I will live now is to age 25 or 26 but no more than that. My head was screwed to oblivion. There is no fixing this. I am planning on another attempt soon. Hopefully I can die in a couple of weeks to a few months.. maybe i will just jump off a bridge.
So, how long have you wanted to die?
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You know, it’s kind of odd. Ever since I was a kid, I always knew I was going to break one day. It was an ominous feeling I had in the back of my head. I always knew I would kil myself one day even back when I was extremely optimistic and genuinely happy. It is against my nature to become a pathetic old man anyways.
I am a child in my head and a child shouldn’t live in the world of adults. I really feel like I was too innocent for my own good. So easy to break..
The statement “I am a child in my head and a child shouldn’t live in the world of adults” just about encapsulates how I’ve felt for many, many years and sums me up perfectly.
water “I am a child in my head and a child shouldn’t live in the world of adults.” OMG. Just OMG. If that’s not the most relevant comment to me I’ve seen, I don’t know what is. Thank you, sir
I started around your ‘cut off date’
You see i have been depressed for a hell of a long time,. But before i was in my mid 20s, i used other means to get me through this bs life.
I actually feel stupid, like i was a latecomer to this conclusion lol
I can actually remember when the thought came “i can end this bullshit” It was a hot day in summer. (btw i hate summer) i love autumn and winter, that’s my favourite time of the year.
I also hate summer! Autumn and winter are my seasons too. I find my hatred of summer is fuelled by the fact that it is assumed that everyone loves it. This is the worst time of year. Get in the elevator and it’s all “oh isn’t this sunshine beautiful”. I want to tell these people off in the most obscene language possible but I usually just smile faintly and say “sure”. But every such encounter makes me want to explode. I tried explaining to my shrink that I feel more suicidal in summer and she didn’t get it
The good thing is, that here in the uk, you can talk about the weather with anyone. I think it’s one of the most socially acceptable things you can talk about with strangers.
So if anyone says “nice weather, isn’t it” You are quite entitled to disagree. I usually say “it’s too hot for me mate”
I’ve had a feeling since infancy that I don’t belong here. I had a great deal of unmanageable emotional pain. Every adult I met in childhood said ‘something is wrong with this child’. ‘This child looks strange to me.. ‘ and from then, my strangeness knew no bounds it grew. I knew when I was 5 I had an increasing intelligence that could make me insane in the near future an attitude of a very older person locked in me. I was lost from a long time. I fainted during school hours such bad anxiety(age 4). I was taken and kept out of the human circle. I was someone who was looked down on, blamed on false accusations. The enormous strength I showed everyday is unfathomable.
But I’ve alone found colors in life, I enjoyed alone. If I die alone, I won’t have regrets that I didn’t try.
Some age in mind some physically age.
The first time I tried to harm myself was when I was eleven years old. I took a small knife and held it to my chest and wanted to stab myself. I didn’t and just left it at that. This was when I started to notice that the pain I’ve been suppressing during my childhood were slowly coming to a head.
Around twelve years old things started to get worse because of the bullying I was experiencing at school and family problems at home. A year later things took a turn for the worst and I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts. To be honest the timeline is very hard to remember but I suppose thirteen almost fourteen was when I truly felt like I didn’t want to live anymore. It’s still confusing to me though. All of this may have started earlier but I didn’t understand these feelings because I was too young. I feel like if I would have received proper care earlier on in my life things would have turned out differently. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. The past is in the past, unfortunately.
So to answer your question I’ll put it at nine years of wanting to die. I’ll be twenty-three at the end of this year and September of next year will be the ten year anniversary of my hospitalization. I plan to buy myself a cake…because cake is good.
I hope things improve for you soon water, suffering through this is terrible, I understand.
I have had thoughts of wanting to kill myself and planning it out since I was 12. When I was 13 I did a speech at school about suicide. Between he ages of twelve and twenty two the thoughts of death visited with varying degrees of intensity and frequency.
It was at the age of twenty two that the thoughts became more persistent and more intense. They were no longer just thoughts but compulsions that I had to work to restrain from acting on. Since then, about twelve years ago, I have been fighting a chronic battle with suicidality. I have had two attempts since then and four imminent plans that were interrupted and multiple hospitalizations. There have been some good times, but they were few and far between.
Please forgive the unsolicited advice, which I appreciate is always annoying by virtue of being unsolicited, but I hope that you can manage to hold on a little longer. I know that sounds hypocritical….here I am at thirty four and I am at the edge, yet again, with nothing to show for all those years of fighting through the agony.. Well, almost nothing. I said the good times were few and far between, and they were…but I did have some really wonderful experiences that I would have missed out on if I had killed myself in my twenties. Even if I have to give up the fight now, I am still really grateful to have had those experiences. I am not sure I can go any further, but no matter what happens I am glad that I stuck it out over those twelve years.
Again, apologies for the unsolicited advice. I do know what it feels like to feel unable to continue and I don’t want to diminish that, or to suggest that because you are young you aren’t entitled to feel that way. II just wanted to share my personal thoughts on whether it’s worth it to keep going when you feel like you can’t. T