There are five of us. im the middle child, i have an older sister, an older brother, a younger sister, and a younger brother. our age difference wasnt that much either, so we’re more likely to hang out as friends. our relationships are so close even our friends are jealous of us. we’re like bestfriends because we can talk about almost everything together. mom and dad always loved it when all five of us gather, and hang out and joke around. we were so perfect.
But out of five of us, im the one whos different. theres just someting wrong with me. plus me being the middle child, my brothers and sisters have their own pairs. i was left out. at least thats what i felt. because im different. i was quite. i would rather listen to their jokes than making one. but despite that, i felt so blessed because i have the most complete siblings ever. i was the luckiest child to have all of them. and i always felt like im the useless piece of junk in the family. no matter how much i tried to impress other people, and people noticed, i felt like i was judged. i felt like i was being compared to with my other siblings. so i shut myself in my room. while everybody else is admiring my siblings, no one gives a fck about me.
i was always having a break down because i was a little sensitive than my other siblings, but i manage to fix that by the time ive grown up. instead i cry silently in my room. i experienced judgments, rejections and isolations from my other family members, and i always end up feeling smaller than ever. because who wouldnt? everytime i cry i always thought why was i even born in this world? theres really no significance of me being alive. im just an intruder to this family. i feel like i dont deserve to be in this family because they were so perfect without me. ive always ask God to take me first. i wanted to be the first to die in the family. and even if i die, it wouldnt make such a dfference. of course mom and dad would lose a child, but they would still have two daughters and two sons. of course my siblings would lose one sister, but they would still have each other. it would be SO PERFECT IF I HAD DIED. but He called my younger brother instead. and i was heartbroken. my family isnt perfect anymore. my siblings arent balanced no more. im not a perfect middle child anymore. now i only have one brother left. it shouldve been me. i feel really guilty because he had to die. and i know everyone has the same thought that ‘why cant it be HER who died instead?’ because they all loved him so much, I bring nothing to the family. why would he have to die, if I was the one who died, the family would still be perfect. heck, the family would probably be more perfect than ever. now its been 7 months since he left us, i was on the edge of cutting myself because i was so depressed and hurt by everything around me, but i was scared im always scared to cut. i usually bite my arms, because ive been doing it since i was a kid, i scratch myself and hit my head but it didnt do much, because i didnt bleed by doing that… im still a little despair, and all im looking forward to at the moment was my life being taken away. i need to see my brother again.
1 comment
how I wish those who love each other would grow old together and die at the same time. I won’t say I’m sorry, because I’m pretty much in the same situation and it annoys me when people who haven’t been through what I have been, say that they are sorry. I always said thanks and in my mind I told them to go to hell, to their precious easy lives where they can still sit and have a meal or talk with their loved ones.