Its Been Awhile

Honestly, I haven’t logged on in forever. Then again I didn’t feel like I needed to. My life has been pretty good since the last time I posted…or maybe not since I’m back. I haven’t thought about suicide or self harm until recently, and even now I wish I wouldn’t. The thoughts have been in my mind for a few days now. Even  if I am having a good day, the thought of running a razor blade over my skin still pops up. I’m scared to tell anyone about it. I recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. He is my reason to live. My reason to fight, Maybe its just postpartum or maybe I am being dramatic, I don’t know. What I do know is that my insecurities are ruining every good thing in my life. I know everyone says they find love and hell I’ve written on this very site that I have, but that was nothing compared to what I found. I wasn’t even looking when he came into my life. I was already pregnant when we started dating, He made me feel like I hadn’t just ruined my life. He made me feel like I was finally beautiful and like I was finally where I was supposed to be in my life. We’ve been together for awhile now and have been through a lot. I know what caused me to start thinking those dark thoughts again, and I hate that it did. I hate that my mind was so fragile that it could be flipped upside down so easily. Then again, when even a fraction of trust is broken it could cause the whole the to shatter. I let in all the doubts and worries I have had since the beginning…. Am I worthy enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I nice enough? Do I even deserve this? I question every thing. I constantly put myself down and I know it kills him when I do. I have tried to get him to break up with me… because he deserves better. I feel so out of place in my own body sometimes its like I’m not even there. I am constantly worried about things that I don’t even sleep at night, then again having a baby made sure I’ll never get a good nights sleep ever again. My insecurities are running my life. We confronted the issue and I’m trying to work past it, but all those past demons are making it so hard. I just needed to write I guess. I’m tired of crying and I’m tired of all the horrible images my mind decides to play on loop. Where another has taken my place, where she loves him more than I do. We have already dealt with this, but I guess I just like the pain. I know eventually this will fade out of my memory, but there will always be a crack. I can put as much tape as I want over it, but it will always be there. That’s what bothers me the most.