I don’t belong anywhere, I would push away inferior friends for superior ones in the case of popularity, I’m a shitty person, I can’t feel love, joy, desire, or the will to want to get up and just do. I’m trapped in my head 24/7 thinking nonsensical things about nothing while other times my mind is blank and empty so I walk around my house aimlessly not saying a word for periods of time. I can’t connect or relate with people, psychiatrists and therapists don’t get it, they don’t see that my mind and the thinking pattern and the way I see life is so messed up I can’t comprehend my perception sometimes. I’m scared, timid, coward, sensitive, emotional man that will never get a woman with these traits. I can’t express myself verbally because my mind gets stuck midway of me trying to explain like it either says “what am I trying to say” “do I even mean this” “whats the point anyway” and I barely can understand communication from others, I can never see the bigger picture. I’m so clueless and unaware about myself and whats around me like a toddler in a man’s body. I’m lost and trapped in my head I don’t remember how life used to be. Things I would do or look at without even thinking about it I over analyze to a pulp and the meaning gets distorted and JUST LOSE MY MIND. I feel dumb with a capital D. I have experienced much in my life been places seen things but I haven’t learned a thing from them to help me grow. Especially socially.
BOTTOM LINE: I hate who I am, who I am can’t function in this world, I can’t change, I can’t accept myself, I would rather die then continue like this.
4 comments
okay,
I know i’m gradually leading u to this point where u’d just want me to disappear & stop talking to u
I can feel myself getting there
or maybe I’m there already
if that’s the case, please let me know
I have a lot to say to what u wrote
but I need to get some sleep
& I’ll get back to you
but as food for thought
u say:
I hate who I am … that can & does happen
who I am can’t function in this world … okay, I’ll go along & say yes, possibly true
I can’t accept myself … fine
I would rather die then continue like this … sad but understandable
what is not understandable is when u say:
I can’t change
what makes u so sure?
“I would push away inferior friends for superior ones in the case of popularity
This is reason I hate humans, we’re so superficial.
Sounds like you’re caught in a snag. Like your inner child doesn’t want to grow due to some problem (perhaps a long-held self-hatred or insecurity)
Like you’ve developed bad interpersonal strategies and have become tired depressed and unemotional as a result of the fatigue.
You can never be rid of the many tendrils and symptoms until you find the root cause.
The deep knot of insecurity, self hate, anxiety, compulsion that tightens with each cycle of behaviors
I hate the fact that I can’t become aware of what’s wrong with me. There are so many things wrong that I can’t express or can’t remember, I remember them at random times. I was living the dream at Michigan State university frat boy life etc. sex drugs rock and roll but something happened where I felt so empty, lost, bored, confused, and most importantly my character my identity my opinions my attention towards life was gone. I became whatever I needed to become to be accepted I didn’t know any other way to live, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria I know it, I can’t accept myself I just can’t therefore this reality of mine I need to erase it once my birthday arrives. Poof just like that