Being the son of an old school gang member sucks. It brings up so many questions and it shows how pathetic I am. The son of a dead veterano. What would you expect me to be like? I am some player that can have any girl? I am this tough vato that nobody wants to fuck with? I am this highly respected man that everyone wants to be around? Do I have everything my father was to live up to? I’m not saying I should have joined a gang, but should I have been like my father? It’s sad when my family tells me stories about my father, who he was, what he did, and how I am like him. My family doesn’t even know me. I am nothing like him. I am not who he was. I am the complete opposite. I am a lonely sack of shit. The only thing we will have in common is the age we die(d).
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Well, in my opinion, once I got past the story of your Father and what he did or didn’t accomplish, it would only be fair to expect you to be you, and not him. But unfortunately, it doesn’t always work that way, as you know. I think “expectations” are one cause of so much human misery and suffering. We foolishly build stories in our minds based on what and how we think circumstances should be, then experience a wide range of emotions depending on the outcome, including anger and disappointment at those we “expected” more of. Pretty illogical. What does anyone stand to gain by expecting you to be equal to or more than your Father? They stand to be disappointed if THEIR expectations aren’t met, which has nothing to do with you.
The loneliness of not matching the image people think you are (esp family) is deep. So much of the time family teaches us more of what we shouldn’t be… instead of what we should be. Being opposite is no bad thing, even if it feels like swimming against pressure constantly. Your father or your family doesn’t define you. Each day you go in your life, the more your choices separate and define you.