I wish I never threw any of your letters away. I wish the stack would still be sitting in my drawer where I could still pick one and reread it to take me back to a time that once was. If I had known the reality of the way things would be after they ended, how I’d be, I would never have thrown away any of your letters. That last letter you sent me was the last one I saved, I don’t plan on getting rid of it nor do I think I could even bring myself to get rid of it. I wish that last one wasn’t the last one. I wish you didn’t tell me not to send a letter back. I didn’t know you were going to be so hurt from my last letter. I didn’t know how hurt you were and I didn’t know you “felt like the reason that brought me pain.” It pains me to read that line, you were the reason that brought me joy. The last time I ever felt love. If I could just tell you this now I could maybe be at peace, I wish you could know that. I wish that someway somehow you could know that. I miss you KitKat. I’m not really asking for you to be in my life again, I don’t know if it would be too soon or unrealistic, but I am putting this out there because I need to. I dwell on a lot of things in my life, this one is my greatest pain.
I force myself to put on an act. The public is my stage and my friends, my family, my coworkers you are all my audience. I put on this show, I make you laugh, I leave an impression, and I mirror the same emotions. The curtains roll and I return from the show. This is when the real show begins. It is exhausting putting on this act. Because when I get home and fall into bed there is no stage and there is no audience. All that is left is me. And it is not quite entertaining when it is just me in my head. Because when it is just me in my head it is only the truth.
I suffer from this truth.
Decided to come back again and write some more pitiful poetry. Well, kind of I guess. This time it is not about a mask, I think since then I have begun to accept it as a reality and perhaps that may contribute to the reason I feel like running away. This is my life now. You know, when I was in my depressed in my teens this is exactly how I imagined my life in my 20s (assuming then that I would make it to my 20s). Drunk, lonely, and fucking miserable. This freeloading sack of shit is precisely what I envisioned my life would be like. Then I “got better” for a little while and had all these sorts of imaginations of what I “deserve” and what I can have. But thats all they are ever going to be. Imaginations. Delusions. And then I get right back on path; the path of pity and depression. Loneliness and misery. So here I am: depressed among people who do me no good and, either, losing or pushing away the people that can possibly help me.
Ahh the joys of this ever familiar sensation of sadness.
I spend my day wearing a mask. Not the cloth mask I am required to wear in each place of business I visit, but the kind that everyone sees and reacts to. The kind the people look at and don’t think much of. The kind that, if you had to comment on, you’d say “Ah he seems happy. He probably has his head on his shoulders.” That mask.
When I wear this mask, I can comfortably go into public and say I am one of them. Those people that got their head on their shoulders. Those people that have a great life at home and feel content with themselves. Those people that have things to look forward to. But at night its different.
At night, the mask doesn’t matter. There is no one to fool, because I know what lies behind the mask. I know that behind that mask is emptiness. I know the person behind the mask is lonely, and his loneliness makes his life miserable. His loneliness is killing him and no one even knows it.
I have not been here in a long time. And when I do come back here to write, I first read my own posts, then motivate myself to get out of whatever little pit I am in and move on.
But right now I don’t want to do that.
Right now I rather wallow in my self pity. I don’t know why. I have been so stressed lately with everything I have going on, and the positive self-talk and manifestations are either not working or tiring me out. I just can’t right now. And the negative judgement I get from the people that are supposed to care for me right now further add to the disappointment.
Instead of ignoring the negativity like I usually do, I guess i’ll just soak it all in. Instead of doing something productive with myself, I guess i’ll fuel the stigma my dad has of the lazy, stay at home freeloader he has made me out to be.
I keep falling for it all. When the sun is up all I can think of is how much of a fucking loser I am for not being able to get a job right now and doing nothing productive towards my goals and when the sun is down all I can dwell on is how fucking lonely I am. And now I am tired of telling myself otherwise so I guess for tonight i’ll accept it. You want to look down on me and fucking feel disappointed in me? Well good because so do I, so now imma go get fucking drunk and do some further disappointing.
For a while, I was becoming something. I was becoming somebody that my Mother could be proud of.
For a while.
Now I am working towards nothing. I have become a fucking loser, a waste of fucking space, a fucking burden. And I have nothing to fucking live for, yet I have convinced myself that I do not want to kill myself. I spend all fucking day at home shooting the shit, pitying myself for what I have fucking become. I have become fucking worthless.
I want to just go. I want to go as far away as possible and keep fucking going until I find the farthest corner away from home to continue rotting.
Fuck expectations, man. Don’t expect me to fucking be happy, don’t expect me to fucking look forward to things, don’t expect me to fucking be motivated, and don’t expect me to want to live. You criticize me and wonder why I am the way I am, but you also choose not to understand why I am who I fucking am and how it got to be this way. And if I want to go as far away as possible, don’t fucking worry about me. I am my own fucking burden, don’t try to be there when it is too fucking late.
I really am just shooting the shit at this point. No matter what ambitions, goals or dreams I have had, I never do shit to make them reality. I’ll do the slightest bit of work towards them then fall off for weeks at a time. I don’t deserve shit.
I have realized that this entire time I have been feeling “happy” I have just been wearing a mask. A mask that has done it’s job so well it even convinced me. And it is so-fucking-exhausting! The past, maybe, two years I have successfully convinced myself and those around me that I am happy, I am confident, I don’t let things get to me, and that I am a fun guy. Truth is I fucking hate myself and I am ridiculously lonely. It is exhausting because I have created this expectation for myself and when I can’t meet them I am “being weird.” And I appreciate the fact that some of them actually care to help me, but I have never been one to reach out. At least not personally. I have been conditioned by those closest to me to bottle this shit up. But when they wonder why I sleep in my room all day or don’t really socialize as much as I “should,” all they want to do is fucking criticize me.
At this point, I have also convinced myself that I do not want to kill myself. I guess that is fair? But what I don’t think is fair is that I have to meet these expectations. These fucking expectations of me being happy and social. Being motivated and ambitious. But it is not that way. And I can’t tell you this because it is like you don’t believe depression is even a fucking thing. Or maybe you just won’t accept that, yes, someone in your family is depressed.
I have too much on my fucking mind and here is me unloading it all. After all, my brother always said, “Humans were not made to just bottle things up.” So here is to your advice, Rud.
First, I heard through a friend that an old friend from my senior year of high school had passed away. It kind of hurt to hear the sad news as he was always a positive person and he was so young. Only as old as me, 21. I remember him reaching out to me about a year ago. I wish I knew then what I knew now, else I would have made time to hangout with you. Maybe if knew then what I know now I would have helped you in someway live out your dreams of being a baker. Such a young and happy man, I appreciate your friendship, buddy. I wish it didn’t take you passing for me to learn that we need to value the things we get to do everyday and the people we have in our lives. Wish I knew what you continued to struggle with. I would have reached out. Rest easy, my friend.
And second, what seems to be the thing that never leaves, what am I doing with my life. A couple of years ago, “what am I doing with my life” meant I am walking down a dark path with no goals. I was just living as long as I could without any plans or hopes for the future, all I knew was I would be dead soon. These days, while I am better now and seem to have it figured out, I am walking down a path that I know will soon split. I can only take one path, yet I walk with no confidence, fearing that once the paths split, I will freeze. I fear that I am wasting my time and due to my indecisiveness, I will stop once I reach the intersection. I have a goal and I have a dream, yet the two are not the same. It is hard to work on my goal when all I think about is my dream. But unfortunately I give too much of a fuck about what people will think of my dream.
What are my goals and dreams you may ask? Well my goal for a long time was to get my real estate license and join an amazing group in my area. I had the motivation, the drive, the mentorship. Everyone that knew me knew I wanted to do real estate and they knew I would do good at it, too. Then I stopped. I fell off, lost motivation and drive and now I am bumming it at home.
And my dream? The outdoors! I absolutely love nature. I love hiking, I love camping. I love mountains, rivers, waterfalls, trees, redwoods, sequoias, canyons, green, blue. Wildlife and nature are absolutely stunning. I love capturing it on camera and I want to protect the environment. I live for that. The only thing I see myself doing to work toward this goal is creating content for instagram and brands. I mean, I capture the beauty of nature anyway, so why not sell it? But I have changed my career choice so many times, I am afraid of the ridicule I will get if I announce changing it once more. I don’t know what I should do, the paths will eventually end. I know I have to make a choice soon enough.
I want to write this because you will one day read this. Whether it be the three of you together, or each at a different time, you will all read this. When it is called for I suppose. I also want to write this as a reminder for myself.
You have no idea how much I love you guys. All of our lives it has been us four. Brothers. The best bond I could have ever hoped for. You guys saved me. In a dark time in my life, when all I could ever dwell on is how much longer I’d have on this earth. When I would vividly imagine what my suicide would be like, how I would want to go, how I would prepare, and how it could “solve” my problems. In those dark times, I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t socialize, I couldn’t feel, I couldn’t live. In those dark times all I was looking forward to was no longer feeling, no longer existing. But in those dark days there was just one thing that illuminated the darkness. You two. My little brothers. I am glad you guys were in my life because despite how badly I wanted to die, I wanted to live for you boys. I couldn’t imagine a world where I left you boys without your big brother. I didn’t want to imagine a world where I left you boys in pain wondering why big brother did what he did. Through all the pain, through all the depression, and through all the suicidal thoughts; I could not bring myself to leave you guys. There were plenty of times where I sat in front of the computer at three in the morning when everyone was asleep, and I had the urge to get up and swallow a handful of pills. But each time I felt that I was saved by the thought of hurting you boys. Thank you for being in my life, you boys saved me. I will never leave you like that.
I can’t even imagine what my departure would do to you. You are my best friend. My big little brother. Before you knew about my depression, you always crossed my mind when I had thoughts of killing myself. Because imagining what my death would do to you is the most painful thing ever. I could not do that to you for the boys. I appreciate you always being there for me. I appreciate you always pushing me to open up. I always tried to be the strong older brother with my chin held high, but in all honesty, I have always looked up to you for your strength and hardiness. You were the big brother when I couldn’t be. Thank you for being you and for saving my life. I could never leave you.
(Please read till the end) The title was meant to make me laugh. I have randomly been so tired and unmotivated. I haven’t been eating as much lately, which is weird because just last week I had been heavily indulging in Jack in the Box. This random week of depression came out of nowhere and I don’t know why. I am disappointed in myself because for a while, I was really motivated, I was working out twice a day, listening to positive audios, focusing on doing what I have to do to start my career. But all week, all I have done is sleep in. I work graveyards so the only meal I eat is something small before work and a snack during work. When I am home I’ll watch Netflix for a few hours and then sleep all the way until it is time to get ready for work. I totally miss a whole day with anyone at home.
The other night my mom told me, “You remind me of someone… You remind me of the old Richard.” That was her subtle way of asking me if I am feeling depressed. When she said that all I thought was, “Holy shit that is true.” I need to change my habits!
I now only come here solely to get things off my chest. Before it used to be that I was seeking advice, or attention, or someone to tell me to keep pushing forward or not to kill myself. I have gotten good at learning how to get myself out of these pits. I am just now realizing my recent habits and will now respond to them.
So if getting this off my chest helps me, I’d also like to help you.
If you are in a bad place right now or have been for a while, please, change your habits. Take it from someone who said fuck therapy, I’m doing this shit on my own. If you have a habit of listening to sad music, stop doing that. Delete all your sad playlists, delete that playlist that reminds you of him or her, delete that playlist that ‘relates so much to how you feel.’ Fuck that music, it is not helping. And don’t start listening to happy music either. “What am I supposed to listen to?” Listen to audios. Listen to Podcasts. Listen to guided meditations. I am not telling you to become spiritual or ‘woke.’ Meditation helps to clear your mind and put your mind into a better energy. I recommend listening to lectures by Alan Watts. Just search his name on youtube and choose one that interests you. If that is not your thing, listen to speakers with a story. My favorite speaker to listen to is Les Brown. He has an amazing story and upbringing. If you feel that someone to sympathize with you is not what you need, I recommend listening to Andy Frisella. He is more of a “I don’t give a shit what you are going through, you need to do this” kind of guy. He also created the 75Hard challenge, so if you want some sort of program to take yourself out of what you are going through right now, I highly recommend reading what that challenge is and some testimonials to encourage you to try it out.
If you have a habit of staying indoors watching Netflix or playing games all day, change that. Limit how much Netflix you watch or how much time you play games. Give yourself tasks during the day and make games/Netflix the reward for completing those tasks. Set small goals like clean your room, organize your desk, go for a walk, etc.
Make exercise a habit. It will definitely change your mentality and emotions. Don’t just immediately spend 2 hours in the gym and run miles everyday, but take it slow. Do what you know you can do on day 1 and as you become conditioned, do more and more.
Accept the past. Too many of us are living in the past, I know. But accept that what happened in the past happened for a reason. Whatever situation you are in right now is a reflection of how you respond to events in your past. I understand for some, they might have had a traumatic past, but that is in the past. Don’t let your past remain in your head for you to define what your life now should be as a result of your past. Your life today is a result of your mind today. If in your head you tell yourself that you are good for nothing, should not be here, or you will never stop feeling depressed; guess what? You will always believe that. Start waking up and telling yourself today will be a better day because I will be productive, I will identify bad habits and change them, and I will work towards not putting myself down. What you think about, you bring about.
Realize that you have to start making tough decisions. You have been too comfortable doing whatever it is you convinced yourself is acceptable behavior to cope with your depression. If someone in your life (or used to be in your life) is still causing you pain, remove them from your life. If you depend on someone or something for comfort, yet they/it is detrimental to your mental health, remove that from your life. Tell yourself, I need to move on because I want to get better. Get rid of certain mementos from past relationships or memories.
If you are in any way religious or believe in some higher power, know that what has happened and what is happening is happening for a reason. Whether you believe in God or some energy in the Universe, know that there is some purpose and meaning to why you are here. That is for you to discover through whatever means. Whether that be through meditation, spiritual awakening, new formed hobbies, or someone you will one day meet. Have faith that something is coming for you. In the meantime, work on yourself. There is a reason you stumbled on this post and read this far.
But if you don’t believe in a higher power or “things happening for a reason” then guess what. You are the way you are because of what you think of yourself, what you feel of yourself, and what you continue to allow for yourself. The problem is you. There is two versions of you, and the you that is so negative and self-diminishing only has power because you consciously and unconsciously given that negative you the power to win. You need to consciously give the positive version of you power before you begin to subconsciously give yourself positive energy. There is power in positive thinking and if you don’t believe that that is because the negative subconscious has led you to believe that. Read What to say When You Talk to Yourself by Shad Helmstetter.
Another thing that has become a hobby of mine that makes me feel joy and peace is hiking. I love hiking through the woods where it is quiet and peaceful. Where I can empty my mind and enjoy what beauty nature has to offer. Or even hiking up a mountain and getting a view of how vast things can really be. It sets a perspective of how small and insignificant we are in this world. How we are only here for, what 70-80 years? And I wasted 5 years pitying myself and feeling sorry for myself. How do I want to live the remainder of my life?
You can always seek outside help through means of therapy, support groups, friends/family you trust, or even this website. But what has helped me is the idea that “I can help myself get out of this mess. I am responsible for every action I take and what I think of myself. If I can change my physical and mental habits, I can change and better myself.” But you need to commit to that idea and believe that it will work for you. I can say that it has helped for me, but you need to believe it will work for you. Not hope it will, believe it will. Seeing is not believing. First you must believe it, then you will see it.
After typing this out for you (and for me) I feel pumped and motivated. I promise to you reading this that tomorrow I will end my week with a productive day. I feel a lot better and I hope this helps you. I want to thank user likeastone for their kind words. Sometimes when I am feeling down, I go back to your comment and it motivates me. It pucks me up when I am down. I am grateful I was able to help you. And also to my old friend on here, littlebread, I still think of you. I hope you are feeling better and I hope things are going good.
To whoever made it this far, I wish you the very best. 🙂
I finally ready your letter sent last July. It got misplaced before I even knew it had arrived. My mom found it yesterday morning so I finally got to see what you sent. I finally got to see your response. I finally got to see why you addressed it from Jane Doe instead of your actual name.
First of all, don’t apologize for “being the reason I felt pain.” That is not your fault, it is mine. I felt pain because of the feelings I used to have for you. I felt pain because, for some odd reason, I could not move on for a long time. Don’t ever think that any of this was your fault.
I am relieved to have finally read that letter. I was a bit sad to hear that the dream you had was, as you wrote, heart-wrenching. I can’t help but feel responsible for leaving you feeling that way. After the last letter I sent you, I wondered how you felt about it and I always told me self (or led myself to believe) that you also began to feel happier and that it did not affect you just so I don’t feel guilt. Anyways, I am relieved to finally have gotten a chance to read the letter. It was kind of like my question was answered and my curiosity was entertained.
I am thankful you understand my reason for making the decision to stop any future contact. I am thankful for your friendship. I am thankful for all the memories (my good memory can be a gift and a curse, I admire the fact that you were able to forget a lot of things back then). I also hope that that wasn’t goodbye forever. I also hope that, one day, the universe does bring us together in someway. That day would be a nice day.
I knew you would be leaving, yet your departure from our lives hit us like a truck. I didn’t have the strength to tell you the things I wanted to tell you. On the last day I saw you, all I had the strength to do was hug you and tell you I love you. That I will miss you.
I imagined in my head that on your last day we’d hug, I would look you in the eye and tell you how proud I am of you for being brave and dedicated to serving your country. For being strong and resilient through the process and training. For doing what you knew you have always wanted to do and for following your dreams. And thank you for all the adventures you went on with me. All the late night drives and meals we shared. All the talks we had and all the advice you gave me. Thank you for all the words of encouragement and motivation you gave me. Thank you for the love and strength that you gave me. I thought being the big brother I needed to be strong for all of you. That I couldn’t be vulnerable. But you not only taught me how to be strong, but also that it is okay to be vulnerable, that I shouldn’t bottle things up. Thank you for being the only person I felt comfortable discussing my depression with. Thank you for all your pep talks.
Thank you all the memories, little brother.
I wish I wasn’t so emotional so I could have told you this in person. You always told me that you are glad that end the end of the day, through all the bs and when you felt like everyone was against you, you could come and talk to me. That you were happy to have me because you knew , no matter what, I would always be there. I never told you this, but I am also glad that at the end of the day I had you, I needed you to be. I didn’t realize this until recently, but after a long and stressful day when I came home and saw you asleep I felt comfortable. Like I have nothing to worry about because I have you. Now when I come home, after two long shifts, I can’t help but tear up every time I come in our room and see that your bed is neat and made. Empty.
We will be okay little brother. This is something we all will have to get used to, but we will be okay. I promise that I will be strong for Mom and Dad. I promise I will fill in the shoe you used to fill. Keep being you. I love you, Ruds.
I still think about you. I made myself believe for a long time that I have finally moved on and I have finally gotten better, but that was only half true.
Truth is I thought I moved on until my birthday came and it was the first time in about 8 years you did not wish me a happy birthday. I know I told you not to contact me at all in the future, but a part of me kind of wish you did send me a birthday letter like you did last year. It messed me up, emotionally, getting that birthday letter when I did; yet and still, I wish you would have sent another. Despite the pain it would have caused once again, I wanted to hear from you.
I regret not being so happy for you in the last letters you sent me. You caught me up on how much better you have gotten, the better choices you were beginning to make, and the things that have been going good for you. I truly was happy for you, but I had already made up my mind at the time not to talk to you. I had my mind made up 8 months before you decided to contact me and I acted like things were normal and refused to update you on how I had been. I regret that. I can’t remember if I told you I was happy for you, but if I didn’t, I truly am happy for you.
The last letter I sent you was sudden. I felt it was necessary, and I still do stand by the decision, but it could have been written differently. We probably could have discussed it. It has been over a year since we last talked, and almost 2 years since we last seen each other. In that year we haven’t talked I have occasionally thought about you and what could have been different had we gotten a chance to talk. To get some closure, for me at least. I wish we could talk one last time, but I could never know if you would want the same.
I hope my decision does not burden you as much as it burdens me. I hope you have moved on from this better than I have. I hope you find the happiness that I am trying so hard to find.
It has been an absolute long time since I have been on here. And I successfully avoided coming back here for a long time because I kept lying to myself by saying I am not depressed, I have no problems, and that I have no reason to end up back here. Well that was a fucking lie. Truth is I am in fucking denial. I walk around daily with a fake ass smile on my face and my chin to the sky making it seem like I have confidence and happiness. Truth is I am fucking pathetic. Honestly, I am just really fucking drunk and pissed. I have finally made an effort to meet people, talk to girls I am interested in, and make myself look like a regular guy; but in the end, I am still this pathetic excuse of an adult wearing a mask to make myself seem like I have my shit together. Honestly, I am just mad because I did what I always do, I fell in love to easily. And she is real pretty and actually in my age group too so it is a damn shame. But I have to be the way I am. I have to allow shit like this to happen, don’t I. I need to escape.
If you wrote to me, I’m sorry. I didn’t get the letter. I only found out weeks later that someone placed it on the table and someone else threw it away. I never saw it.
I don’t know if this will ever change. I know I told you I am over you and want to forget about you or everything that I did was so that I can finally get over you, and move on, but the truth is, I don’t think I am. I have been thinking a lot about you lately and it’s not even that I still feel that way for you (because honestly I don’t) but more because I literally cut you from my life. For you it was sudden and maybe surpising and I feel that I never got closure. I don’t know what I want, really, but I know the way I left things affected the way I feel now. I feel it is too late to act upon what I am saying since the damage has been done, but I hope somehow you know this. I really don’t know what I want. All I know is I want to forget you. To forget you because the memories, the remeniscing, and the constant daily thoughts cause me to feel so much pain. I hate remembering all the good times we had, all the laughs, all the walks, all the talks, all the fun, all the hugs, and all the years we’ve known eachother. It hurts. I envy the fact that you have forgotten a lot of those memories I tend to refer back to.
It is your fault. It is also my fault as well, but I want to blame you. Blame you for my condition, blame you for my life today, and blame you for allowing it to go on. This is it., I am done with you. I don’t have to hate you, but I want to.
Rest in Peace
August 27, 2017-March 11, 2018