It is crazy going back and reading all my old posts. I have been on here for a LONG time. My early posts were from days of loneliness, inexperience, sobriety, and innocence. You would imagine after so long one might have either finally healed and lived a better life or just plain blasted themselves. Nope, I “have reason to live,” or whatever. I guess I Don’t want to put my family through the trauma of my suicide so I choose to scarf down meds and alcohol. Fuck it right, that’s’ life. I think I am doing the work. Like I believe myself and everything; meds, […]
This shit is getting so irritating and stressful. I’m actually glad I told myself I’m going to do it come 2025. It’s a funny thing to have it planned out so far away, but I don’t know why I just feel the date is significant and poetic for me. And Two years is not so far away either. Like I can experience a couple things and see a couple things before I go and that timeframe is perfect for me. It’s like a huge vacation I have planned a couple years from now that I am looking forward to, and all the bullshit I’m dealing […]
I don’t fucking know anymore. Like when I first started antidepressants I felt nothing change. Couple months in I am doing fucking great. Best shape of my life! Then the last month has been so weird. So emotional. So unpredictable. My behavior is so unlike me these days, I am having trouble having the motivation I used to have. I don’t know what type of behavior is me anymore or how I’m supposed to be. If I act out I want to just blame the medication but I was so good not that long ago. What the fuck changed? I hate this and I hate […]
I thought I was this confident, stoic, and driven guy. I thought.
But nah I get myself in an interesting (fucked up?) situation. I start feeling so lost and, well, not me. I totally have lost myself. Maybe I was this guy. Maybe. If I was, I am definitely not anymore. I am so confused, jealous, insecure, overwhelmed, undisciplined, and fucking easy on myself. I hate it! It’s why I am so easily emotional and heartbroken these days. I thought I was ready. I thought I was different. But I’m fucking not. I’m just not.
I did it again. I fucking did it again. I fell in love with someone I can’t stay with lmao This is going to fucking suck. I am going to get fucking hurt lol oh well
I’m pretty fucking crossfaded right now. I have the shrooms, the bud, and the alcohol hitting right now. Damn am I loose. I was just thinking about what a fucking boring life I have lived. Like Childhood was 9/10. Man do I miss those days it was fucking great. Then teenage years could have been awesome but fucking depression hit like some revenge fueled enemy. And the last 8 years of my life have been fucking boring and pitiful. Literally years of self pity and hatred. And then what now I get a glimpse of what life could be and I just regret everything I […]
I remember there was a time a few years back when I gave myself an “expiration date.” I had purchased some drugs that was meant to kill me and told myself “if shit doesn’t get better by next year i’ll finally do it.” Well the thought of my very short time left must have done something because a few months later my life turned around for the better. That and the guy I sent money to to provide me with those drugs actually scammed me and I never really had any means of killing myself. For the next couple of years after that I was […]
I’m am not doing good, I am not doing fucking good. I hate that I choose to go at it alone. How do I ask for help?
I’m already constantly feeling like shit but now i’m going broke and possibly a month or two away from losing my job. I don’t know what i’ll do. I hate that this is happening and I won’t say anything. I don’t even know if I can hide it anymore, my dad asked me how was work and he had this look on his face like he suspected it was not a good day. All I could get out while […]
Well I can’t believe it has come to this again. I have told myself that wouldn’t ever kill myself because I have to live for my brothers. Even if that means I continue to suffer, I decided that i’d live for them. But lately the way shit has been my mindset is beginning to change. I broke down in tears on my way home today because I suddenly realized that “holy shit! My time might actually be coming. Sooner rather than later.” A bullet through the head sounds so fucking good right now and it seems all I need is one more fucked up thing […]
I don’t even have the motivation to write anymore. It used to be that I love writing, and I am always depressed in my fucking head, so why not put those feelings into words. But everyday that I come home and think I should write something I just don’t feel like it. I’m so fucking unproductive and I waste my days. It’s a shame I no longer feel like killing myself because these days I absolutely have that option. Some days when i’m bored i’ll point my gun at my head, look myself in the mirror and just think “imagine.”
I want to get […]
I don’t know how to open up. I’m not good at it, And its the reason I have not tried to get help again or reach out to those who care so I could have someone to talk to. The last time I saw a therapist I was about 19, had just dropped out of college, and I was in the worst shape (mentally) in my life. The only reason I managed to get into therapy was because I went to the doctor for my lack of sleep where they diagnosed me with insomnia and MDD and set me up with a therapist. Even then […]
I don’t know where to go from here. I’m comfortably miserable, yet I want to be better. Not entirely for myself but for others I suppose. I have always hated the one that people pity or something, so I always put on an act. But then that can get exhausting at times. I have the best and most supportive friends but then after a weekend of hanging out with them I want to distance myself from them. For what? To “recharge?” I know I shouldn’t but I’ll do it anyway. I’ll distance myself, disappear from texts, from parties, from hangouts, from visits until I am […]
When I feel absolutely depressed I don’t ever cry, I just carry an emotionless expression and start drinking to fake some kind of emotion or put on some kind of confident act. But today was different and it felt good, I drove home after a stressful day at work and just broke down crying, and it helped that I was by myself because I could keep crying without anyone telling me “You need to man up” or “what reason is there to even cry about.” I didn’t have any of the judgement, just me allowing me to let it out. God, that felt good. Fuck […]
I’ve given up on my goals and dreams. So now I can stop dwelling on my future, now I can stop worrying about disappointing someone or worrying about not making it. I can say that I have given up on my goals without it meaning I am not going anywhere. I mean, I am not going anywhere I want, but I at least now have something sustainable. For the last few years I tried hard to work for something, I tried hard to make something of myself, I tried hard to make those around me (even myself) proud. But at a certain point it gets […]
Why the fuck after so many years do I still end up coming back here to post about how shitty I feel. Why can’t I just be better? Why can’t this have never happened to me?
The last eight years of my life have been so fucking meaningless. A waste of fucking time. Even now I am wasting time, nothing accomplished and nothing to look forward to. Fuck this.
Today is your birthday. I know it has been very long since we last spoke but I at least want to say this year happy birthday Kimberly. I can’t reach out to you anymore through letters and I know I probably shouldn’t but just this year it is important for me that I get to say this though here at the very least.
You wrote in the very last letter you sent me that you hope that goodbye was not the last goodbye. That hopefully one day the universe could bring us back together again. I held onto that idea, even though I told you it […]
To those I love, don’t worry, I am not going anywhere. I have apparently made it worth it to go on in life, unfortunately that does not mean I have lived happily. You wonder why I am different, wonder why I am not like my brother or how I came to be this way. You might think I am simply sad or angry, but that is not how it works. I’m lonely, miserable, and depressed. And even if you show me that you love and care for me and the people around me make it seem like I got good company, my mind […]
I force myself to put on an act. The public is my stage and my friends, my family, my coworkers you are all my audience. I put on this show, I make you laugh, I leave an impression, and I mirror the same emotions. The curtains roll and I return from the show. This is when the real show begins. It is exhausting putting on this act. Because when I get home and fall into bed there is no stage and there is no audience. All that is left is me. And it is not quite entertaining when it is just me in my head. […]
Decided to come back again and write some more pitiful poetry. Well, kind of I guess. This time it is not about a mask, I think since then I have begun to accept it as a reality and perhaps that may contribute to the reason I feel like running away. This is my life now. You know, when I was in my depressed in my teens this is exactly how I imagined my life in my 20s (assuming then that I would make it to my 20s). Drunk, lonely, and fucking miserable. This freeloading sack of shit is precisely what I envisioned my life would […]
I spend my day wearing a mask. Not the cloth mask I am required to wear in each place of business I visit, but the kind that everyone sees and reacts to. The kind the people look at and don’t think much of. The kind that, if you had to comment on, you’d say “Ah he seems happy. He probably has his head on his shoulders.” That mask.
When I wear this mask, I can comfortably go into public and say I am one of them. Those people that got their head on their shoulders. Those people that have a great life […]