I just ended my freshman year of high school, and I have been going to therapy for about two months now. On Christmas break, back in December, I gathered courage, with the help of my boyfriend, to finally tell my parents I have suicidal thoughts. My parents instantly got me help, but the help I’m getting STRICTLY deals with anxiety. My therapist hasn’t brought up suicide since my first session, which was two months ago. I did find out my mom’s side has almost a 100% rate of depression, and my dad’s has almost a 100% rate of anxiety disorders. What a good combination for a hormonal 15-year-old, huh?
Since then, I’ve gotten worse. Much worse, and my parents can tell. My mom has lots of health problems and cannot do much mother-daughter-things. All she does is lay in bed. She told me in the car yesterday, “Sometimes, I think I’m the cause of your depression.” I know she cannot help her problems, but I spend most of my time in my room with the door closed.
My boyfriend I mentioned earlier (bless his heart) gets dragged into my messes. I make him feel like such sh*t because of what’s going on with me. He recently told his mom how I make him feel, and his mom has been treating me differently. She is like a second mom to me. She is the mom who truly understands what I’m going through. I found this out tonight, and she will not let my E (first letter of my boyfriend’s name) come over much. I am to the point where I take three benadryl every night to get a slight high,dull my pain, and put me to sleep. I sit in my bed crying so hard I shake, can’t breathe, and tense up so hard I almost pull my hair out. I have no friends, besides my boyfriend and his mom, but clearly I’m driving one of them away. Without even trying, I’m losing everyone I care about just by being honest with them. I just need to learn to keep my mouth closed.
All I do is f**k up. I don’t know how E can even look at me with all the emotional harm I’ve caused him. There’s no telling how many times he’s had to talk my out of suicide. He knows I’m sorry and forgives me, but I know he’s getting tired of me and my issues. I feel like nothing but a ball of stress and depression. I am so alone. I pray every night for God to take me in my sleep, and since he won’t, I guess I’ll have to do it myself.
I know I’m a teenager, but please try to see things through my eyes. I’m scared E’s mom will make us break up, which I get because all I do is spread mental poison. I’ve never hated myself, but I’m starting to. I feel like I can’t be honest. I think about sewing my mouth shut sometimes.
Sorry if this is all over the place. I have no desire to reread anything, so I’m positing it like this.
6 comments
It’s tough when you are young, it’s the same when you are older.
I can’t really give you advice on this one, i mean you know yourself better than anyone else.
Know this though, you are not your parents.
In what way does your BF’s mum treat you differently? she colder now? People just want to protect their own.
Look, you must have qualities that your fella loves, otherwise he would have gone already surely?
I can relate heavily to using things to numb the pain. It feels good to dull the senses doesn’t it? I wish i could offer you some great advice, but as you can see, i’m on this site as well, i’m not exactly a great advertisement for emotional stability lol. Keep your chin up mate. Perhaps take some time alone to think about yourself and maybe you will have a ‘eureka’ moment and things will make sense.
The age doesn’t matter. It’s always harsh to live through. I can’t help but be kind of… impressed, though. It takes a lot of courage to tell someone about how you’re feeling, especially your family.
Things you do to forget all this… Pills, alcohol, drugs, even books or video games. It feels good, for a moment. Then it’s just many times worse.
In the beginning, my therapist talked about things completely unrelated to what I really wanted to talk about. Later, I found out that in these things I didn’t care about were also things that are part of the problem. If you have doubts, try sharing them with your therapist, maybe it’ll help. Also, suicide, whatever people say, is and always will be a taboo-topic.
@midian monster
E said ever since he told his mom about what’s going on with me and how it makes him feel, she wants him home earlier when he comes to my house. She never texts me anymore either. SHE KNOWS ABOUT WHAT”S HAPPENING TO ME. She’s been to therapy, she has anxiety, SHE KNOWS ALL OF THIS. She was my friend. I need someone wise I can lean on.
E does love me. A LOT. There’s a reason he won’t go to bed unless I tell him when I’m going to bed, what I’ll be doing before I go to bed, and how many pills I’ve taken.
Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it.
@notwhitenorblack
Thank you lol I’m happy I told my parents, but E was the one that really pushed me (ugh bless his heart).
I will continue to go to therapy. Thank you so much for commenting.
it sucks when you feel like you’re hurting someone. i’m sixteen. when i was fifteen i was in a relationship with someone who was extremely suicidal, and i really tried my best to help him. eventually it had to end and left me with a lot of emotional trauma but i cared so much for the guy i was with, and it’s good to hear that he cares about you as much as he does. i hope things look up for you in therapy eventually…
Thank you