I used to go on here a lot when I was at a dark time in my life. And thanks to all of you guys, ilysm, I got through it. I moved on. Or so I thought. It turns out that when you’ve been at the lowest point in life, and when you’ve stayed there for a long time, the sadness doesn’t ever really leave you. It fades, you forget about it, and you think that you’ve moved past it. I was able to smile again, and even when things got bad, I managed to pick myself up and keep going without falling back into the pit where I used to put myself. But every now and then when things go bad, and its late at night and the rest of the world is sleeping, I find myself back on here. Because it’s a part of me. A part of me that never truly left. And I don’t think I’ll ever outrun the suicidal part of me. I just have to suppress it. I guess some people can just never truly move on.
To be honest, I think that’s okay. I like being a part of this community. I wouldn’t trade it in for another life.
3 comments
We are here for you or anybody
I don’t think we have to try to bury that impulse. I know for me, that doesn’t work. Just letting it be part of yourself that you learn to deal with, is what I’ve done. Not like it fixes everything, but I’m still here.
I haven’t been on this site long, but the people seem really good.
I wish life were a linear progression, but I think for many people the human experience is more circular-ish. We visit and re-visit aspects of ourselves, hopefully learning how to better deal with the challenging ones, growing a little more each time we come around, and expanding in our capacity to handle our pain.
On another note, I personally think your acceptance here is impressive. I would not wish the suffering of chronic suicidal ideation on my worst enemy, but it sounds like you’ve discovered gifts, a silver lining, in what you have been through. That, to me, speaks of great awareness and insight. I congratulate on all you have survived and persevered through up to this point.