absence

I don’t know what has been happening recently. I just feel empty. Comfortable numb to quote a Pink Floyd song. The more I see myself the more I hate myself. I am starting an ana diet again tomorrow hopefully to drop 30+ pends in a week. I don’t feel anything anymore and my obsession with death has just increased instead of vanished. The only things I can feel is my self hatred. I am going to be an adult in a month, I graduated high school and I have to say, adulthood already sucks. The guy I am interested in simply confuses the shit out of me, my previous boyfriend had a girlfriend while he was dating me, and now I just feel like I am not worthy of love or life. Love ain’t easy, but nobody said it would be this hard to find. I want to be thin, I want to be pretty, but most of all, I want to help other people instead of asking for help all the fucking time. I have no friends and I have began to drink the pain away (tequila is a nice substitute). At first, I just wanted to kill myself because the pain hurt so much, but now I just feel empty, vacant, absent. It’s like I am watching life pass me by. surrealistic to say in the least.