Its been a while since I have wrote something on here. I was in Hospital because I refused to take my medicine. I was on the lowest dose but when I didnt take It anymore i had all the crazyness coming back, lots of anxiety and Panic attacks and halluzination. I was so much in pain cause of the medication. My while body would cramp. And so my mum brought me back to Hospital wich is definetely hell. Dont know if i ever get over it.
Now I am back Home with no one to Talk to. My boyfriend is at a festival enjoying himself and my Friends are having their exams finishing school to be physiotherapists while I am hanging around at home doing nothing. I just need to cry from time to time cause it is my third time I tried to Learn something and failed. I just cant go without the medicine and will always be depressiv. I hate my life and hate me for being me. I hate Summer and I hate peopLe looking at me pitifully saying the are sorry. The are not. They enjoy their lifes like my Family and cant understand why i feel like I want to Run away. My boyfriend says i am strong cause I went to hospital but i didnt go on my own will. I hate it There cause There was nothing uplifting my heart. I hate existing. I hate the doctors. And I hat this town. Stupid life.
6 comments
This sounds like a really difficult time in your life. I am glad though that the medication helps stabilize you, I don’t understand why they are not addressing the physical side-effects (or are they?)
Be patient with yourself and everyone. You’ve been through an emotional trauma and need to give yourself some rest and some TLC.
Finding a regimen that works for you is the first priority. Regarding your friends and learning, you’ll get there when the time is right for you. Be gentle with your judgments and try to kinda settle into the peace, if you can. You’ll gain strength from that place when you find it.
A hospital stay can be helpful with a psychotic break to try to clear your mind. It’s a place no one wants to end up though. Coming back home only to feel lost and hopeless is just the worst feeling. I haven’t even been out of the hospital for a full year yet and I’m still struggling.
Keep trying, you seem young enough. Maybe you will find the right mental treatment for you. I think back to my teen years and 20s, I wasn’t still full of hope and didn’t give up. At least you have friends and a boyfriend. It does suck when it feels like every one is having fun except you. Your boyfriend is right, you are strong!
Stick around and I do believe better times are coming. Xo
*I meant I WAS still full of hope in my teens/20s. Hope to find the right treatment and hope for recovery. Hope really goes a long way.
Tank you for the Kind words, I really need that. I felt very suicidal today and cried a lot. I even talked to someone at a helping numb er to just cry and Talk about my feelings. I am glad I didnt cut myself or Jumped in Front of a car. Was very close doing it, although we have beautiful weather and I should be enjoying it. But I stayed Inside bed nearly the while day. Brokenandbent30 I am sorry you havergessen to struggle so long staying in hospital. I hope you get out soon. For me it was a Quarter year.
I hope you are right tat better days are ahead.
Oh dear, I made it sound like I’m still in the hospital. I was in there 8 months ago.
You’re doing the right thing by crying it out and talking about your feelings. Do you see a therapist regularly? It could help.
Oh ok. I am glad you are out. Yes I have a Therapie but I will See her again in a Month and I think it doesnt help much. She is nie but I have to man Problems still.