I am that fly in the box you’ve been experimenting with when you were a kid.
And now the box is gone and I still can’t leave.
They say:”Fly, you are free now. Fly. The world is yours.”
But I can’t.
Then they say “Well, it’s your fault then. Bye”
And I’m still here, watching the walls of my invisible box.
It’s written “You are and always will be alone” all over.
This hurts so much…
Sometimes it feels like dying has the potential to make me more alive than I am now.
10 comments
I am in the same situation. Plus I still live with my parents and I don’t know how to do many things. But this doesn’t stop me to live my life, I still go outside and I enjoy things. I can go to a park, feel the energy of the trees, read a great book.
And as for death making you more alive, I doubt that the low astral plane where suicidal people go does really make you more alive. I think it’s the thought to die and the hope that things might get better that makes you feel more alive. I was the same. 3 years ago, only the thought to die made me more alive because it gave me hope and I thought my life would be better in the after life.
Don’t you have anything in your life that you enjoy?
I have a lot of anger in me, but was never allowed to express it. Was never allowe to live, to experiment. Now, at 35, trying to learn to be me. It’s like teaching a log of wood how to walk.
Not sure it’ll ever work.
Thanks though.
brw
It’s fucking heartbreaking reading your posts because i totally relate to them.
It seems to me that life itself has ‘institutionalised’ you and now there is no way to undo the damage that has been commited against your mind.
I see life as surreal and absurd. The rules make little to no sense and there’s no logical way to compartmentalise my moral outlook and the law that’s supposed to be adhered to.
When i see the news or read of someone who finally snapped, i have the greatest sympathy.
All i can do is quote this old favourite of mine:
“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”
Hard to say anything, to type a reply that would add something to this.
Thank you…and I feel the pain.
And yeah, “life has institutionalised me”…great way to express this pressure-cooker madness.
There is so much depth in the way you write, it’s like there is a rabbit-hole after every corner, in your writings. I like that.
You describe it so clearly… I am reeling a bit. The need for a force as blunt and destructive as death to destroy this; this hypnotic, ingrained hopelessness. It is too much to bear, yet no-one can see it. I want so much to…. not have this feel so futile.
I’m sorry you can relate…but in a way not sorry…I feel less alone when someone can relate…the selfishness
Your post is beautiful and sad and oh so true.
I understand your words all to well.
Some of us live in a glass cage for so long that when are walls are taken we are told to fly but if we do there will be no one to catch us if we fall.
This reminds me of “The Glass Jar”…
First you think you’re free…then you realise you’re not. But the moment you’ve realised you’re in a cage is the moment when the cage has lifted. No need for it anymore…
Sorry you can relate…
This is a great post. Someone should pin it to the top. I think it applies to so many of us. It applies to the rape victim whose abuser is caught but it doesn’t end there. It applies to the soldier who comes home from war but it doesn’t end there. It applies all of us who have endured intense pain for so long that it has made us prisoners for life. We are a twisted psychology experiment. And you know what they do to animals at the end of an experiment. We should be so lucky.
Thanks…sometimes it seems like the sadness of many flows through me, sometimes I think maybe I’m feeling the pain of others as well. Though it’s my pain too…