I don’t remember when I posted on my recent moves upward on the mood stage.
The thing is, I still think about death… sometimes I still even would prefer it to the future ahead.
It isn’t looking down that creates this emotion. That’s what I find interesting. If I am working on getting through a daily crisis, morbid thoughts don’t spring to mind.
It’s looking up that is deadly. If I look up I can see the other people, those who never got sick. These are the people I grew up with. It isn’t surprising that many of them are well off, influential or otherwise blessed. It just still gets to me. I know very well there are others less fortunate than me. Everyone likes to point downwards to point out why I should be grateful. I am grateful, but not because others don’t have what I have.
At times such as these I shrug, I sigh, I light a cigar.
What point is there to hope or dream of that which has not and may never come? If it causes my heart pain, then what good is it? I can of course theorize about how good I might feel, when prayers are answered and hopes fulfilled. Such things just are not productive to where I am now.
My therapist wants me to work on being present in the moment. I don’t particularly like that, yet what choice do I have? There remains but one way to survive a life sentence (metaphorical here), one hour and one day at a time. Marking off time or thinking about getting out does nothing. The only strategy I know of for long term prisoners such as we are in our bodies is to make our cell as nice as possible. Keeping a rich inner life might stave off the illness for an hour, maybe even a day or two. Then it comes back and instead of wallowing I have to focus on redirecting my thoughts back to the richness of the fabric of my life. I don’t know if anyone can relate. The isolation is still pretty baffling to me.
On the plus side in a few hours I’m going bowling. I love bowling.
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Ignatius, is that you?
“I refuse to “look up.” Optimism nauseates me. It is perverse. Since man’s fall, his proper position in the universe has been one of misery.”
And
“It’s not true. Some of us have great stories, pretty stories, that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that’s their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you’re that pissed that so many others had it good.”
Look up is so delusional to the point that it may be it’s own illness. The solution is just to look straight ahead with the cold dead stare of one who has gained much, lost much, cried too much, and laughed at the darkness. My defense is to laugh. Laugh at the darkness, at the void, as I dance away my silly dance to try and escape. I may yet escape.
Optimism is a lie, but a useful one. At some point you have to realize that only the lies that make us happy will give us comfort in the darkness. Say it will get better, who does it harm? Yet I cannot say I will have what she or he has. Unknown companion I shared the road with once, who knows their troubles but them?
My mother likes to point that last bit, though not with so much poetry. She says that I don’t realize the pains of those I wish to be like. I know they aren’t me, and that is the limit of my complete knowledge. Perhaps “success” itself is a lie. It is bought with hard work, and selling out to the money machine. I was talking to my best friend and comparing to my ex. My best friend said “You didn’t sell out.” That is true enough. I didn’t go marry some rich young pup and have a bunch of kids with them. I don’t think I hated myself that much.
Yet it works for her.
My eyes remain in the thousand yard stare: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thousand-yard_stare
I am battle weary, yet I fight on. I call for reinforcements, resources, maybe even hope. It takes time to come. It will come though. If war has taught me anything it is the value of not knowing when doom or rescue will come. If doom comes, how long can it last? If rescue comes I will be saved. The only true freedom is deciding on victory regardless of reality. If I die, I win. If I am saved I win as well. If you hate me, I will win sympathy. If you care for me, I have won your affection. That is of course blindly turning all to my advantage. Who else would do it if not me? Why not me? The words call to be spoken, and I will speak.
I don’t see anything wrong with optimism as long as there isn’t too much magical thinking involved. It sounds like you would do well for yourself by bringing it back to focusing on what’s in front of you
I may be way off base, but I’ve read this a few times and don’t want to be all “better times they are a-comin’ “, but I get the sense that you’re feeling like they might be, but cant quite make yourself believe it? I don’t know. I don’t want to say something stupid. Just curious if that’s what you’re dealing with.
You like to read? Be Here Now- Ram Dass. Great spiritual/metaphysical book that all the girls were ***-***-ga-ga about few years back, 2015/2016.