heartlessviking

I’ve started buying things I don’t need, but the problem is right now my weekly wage shows no sign of increasing, and the value of things I buy is increasing. I feel like it’s unavoidable; soon we will have to do without most of the luxuries we used to take for granted. The upshot is I’m leveraged up to my eyes in debt, yes, my debt is the best thing about me

see, because rising inflation means wages WILL rise, or costs will decrease, and either way I can either pay off my debt more easily, or my take home pay will go further, that’s the […]

Apparently all I really needed to clear my sinuses was an eight hour day hanging pipe in a future craft store. Upshot, we got the A/C on today, so the work area is somewhat liveable. The humidity is still awful, but after a few days that should let up.

I feel remarkably dead inside. I came out of my near coma to realize that my current work is repetitive and silly, but I also can’t think of anything better to do. To be clear; I could think of plenty of better things to do, but they all cost money. I can’t think of anything better to […]

sick, my body is sick to the point that I’m somewhat detached from the normal world. It feels like I might die, and that’s a promising thought. Anyway, I’m not me right now, not sure who I am, whoever keeps the lights on until the old ticker shuts off.

Every time I think I’m getting better, I get more dizzy, more confused…. one part thinks it will be over sooner or later, the other part wonders why my biology would be so kind.

Sleep is the fast forward button of life, and I haven’t slept like this in years. Wouldn’t be surprised to wake up ancient and […]

every day, it’s a struggle to keep enough energy to do the things I need to, or that I should do

I struggle to eat, like my relationship with food is a substantial amount of the problem. There is food I’d like, and it’s fucking expensive, and my income can’t afford for me to eat like that every day, really I can’t afford to eat like that at all…….. which means it’s work to eat. Every time my blood sugar drops, which is often, I have to go eat something…. when my energy sags I have to go smoke…. when my throat gets dry I have […]

I probably shouldn’t indulge in these feelings. That’s BS, some people say there is no such thing as “wrong feelings”, well what do you call it when your feelings are constantly demeaned and repressed by the people around you? It’s not a feelings friendly world for a dude.

Right, so the main thing is my new job…. which sometimes is nice, and others really drives me up the wall. It’s $15 an hour, which is solidly okay, average. The upshot is that in four years I can make $30+ an hour, and that’s just for doing my time. Not an easy thing to get anymore…. that […]

I know I’m a bit fixated on death, probably always have been and always will. My first encounter with it was at age five, my great aunt who I loved more than my mother at the time passed away, ovarian cancer. I was devestated.

At age 12-14 I watched my grandma waste away from Lou Gehrig’s disease. In the words from one of my favorite films, Pet Sematary, “sometimes dead is better.” She was utterly miserable by the end. She was also a big enthusiast on the whole living thing; cooked healthy, gardened, worked out regularly, took care of others right up to the end. I’ve […]

It’s official, I have a new job….. Never been this low effort getting in before…..

The temptation is to ascribe such happenstance to a higher power, especially because the people at the new job are…. religious. Nothing wrong with that, I’m just not sure if I am anymore. Which brings it back to the realistic anxiety; why is it so easy? maybe it’s a good fit? IDK, too soon to say.

The physical pain is abundant, and I’ve never been this into it. I have to balance between pushing myself as hard as I can, and making sure my ability to function keeps working. It’s a surprisingly […]

It hit me yesterday, I’m just the waste product left of what was once a useful person. As in, I don’t identify with who I was before the crash, it was a human being I am not capable of being now.

The one car that I’ve spent the last four years spending almost all my money keeping alive, and already had one transmission replaced, had the transmission go out. For those of you without cars (lucky devils), that means that my care is now a 3000 pound useless hunk of steel. We own three “cars”, as in they used to be cars, back when I could […]

I’m back, the trip went…. more successfully than I expected. All the same…. I don’t feel a damn thing anymore. I feel a desire to feel, a longing, empty feeling.  I willfully spin away the hours, trying to feel some joy or satisfaction in things….

we’re in that time of year, where even though the hours of daylight outnumber those of darkness, sometimes days in a row will go without sun, without much light because of all the rain. Which should be great, I know lots of people are living in draught, not getting enough rain to survive….. which just makes me more sad; I don’t […]

Getting set up to go on my first trip in awhile, even longer since I went on a pure pleasure vacation… the downside? It’s a state that I haven’t had the best of luck in. As in every time I’ve entered that state since age 18 (which is at least half a dozen times) something bad has happened; on the far worst end I got kicked out of an entire entertainment complex due to one of my worst public meltdowns….. to the lightest of being yelled at by my boss for not accurately understanding the street layouts…

so we’re playing a game that I play a […]

I’ve spent most of my life stuck in a temperate climate land locked state. The climate is the thing I like least, I’ve gone hotter, and I’ve gone colder. I’ve gone dryer, but I have not found a more moist climate. It’s so humid I can break a sweat from sweeping my kitchen floor…. and have.

look, politically it also isn’t pleasant, but I suspect that would be easier to deal with if the climate wasn’t as it is. I just like the honest brutality of the desert for example, be it arctic or hot, it wants you to die, and you don’t have to work […]

Today sucked, as has most of the last year, but today distilled it all down, into why I have no faith in my life.

My therapist canceled. I’m sure for a completely rational reason, but he canceled on a day I really needed him. First I needed to process my wife falling through my kitchen floor Easter evening, but also I needed help figuring out how to deal with it, I’m flying solo and am a notoriously destructive force in that area.

We had also set this morning as a time to try and get me with a social worker to get a job….. now that has […]

for various reasons I’m trying to cut back on the coffee. The big one is that it isn’t good for my anxiety, and makes me want to get stuff done when no progress is possible…. but this headache… it might break me.

I woke up with a headache, from the bottom of my left eye socket to the top of my head. I tried to meditate out of it, hydrate myself out of it, to no luck, and now even distraction fails in the face of it…. I’m probably going to lose willpower and end up having a cup of coffee, but for the record, I […]

I was going to lead with groundhog, do a whole groundhog day motif.

I was born on Groundhog Day, long ago. Since then, especially in my adult life, it feels like there is a pattern of groundhog like behavior; I am driven to withdraw due to inhospitable conditions, from which I occasionally briefly emerge to check if conditions have changed.

They haven’t, 10 months I’ve been at it. No place for me in the current world.  Further I have concluded that prior reemergence was based on faulty data; I […]

There is only one, one cause worth fighting for; a worthwhile life.

That which we all lack, and despairing of that, we wonder why life?

Yes our struggle is with existence itself,

the very concept of something, the concept of worth, are under attack

so could it be we are romantics at heart?

lost without a path to tred?

Yet for our love, we can’t leave. We fight on, because we know little else.

which brings me back to the start; is that meaningful?

IS IT ENOUGH?!

hmmm? What say you?

two out of eight houses surrounding mine have been empty for the past year. This morning, a third started emptying. It hurts, the loss, the loneliness. Not that I was close with any of them, but I liked them being there, the empty houses haunt me.

two of the remaining five are owned by single old people, who I barely see. Which leaves three, all along the back, which I don’t know the status of.

they could be empty too, for all I know…. I could be utterly alone.

sometimes I hate these small comforts, the things that keep me out of the hospital…..

Hot showers and baths

bike rides

playing with my dogs

video games

movies

coffee, it’s nearly impossible to get good coffee in the hospital

nicotine, in the hospital it’s nicotine patches, not pleasant at all

as long as it could get worse, I try to hold on. Earlier today I visited a person who has screwed his life up more completely than I have, and while I admire the boldness, I can’t do it. The guy has alienated everyone that would even try to be his friend, to the point he’s working awful hours, with very little comfort. […]

Immediately as I title this, it comes to me that I belong here more than anywhere else. that is to say, I feel better loved and understood here than anywhere else. It may be just my desire, but that feeling is real.

I don’t belong, in general. I didn’t belong in high school, and over many jobs in my adult life, belonging is something rare. The places I belonged are gone, possibly forever. Those jobs, those communities are dead. Some of the people are dead too.

Anyway, one of my mentors posted a thing about my generation, and why we don’t click with church. I wrote a […]

the desire to matter is a deadly thing,

more deadly still the ambition that drives one to achieve, to desire more

Every day is another notch

every day another loss

yet resiliency is a curse

intellect a burden

for it is just another door to pain

an open invitation to abuse

it would be better to stay dead,

but why would it get better?

death taunts one onwards, towards further destruction

promising an end to pain, but only beyond more pain still

“let me ride on the wall of death, one more time”

“let me ride on the wall of death, one more time”

“You can waste your time on the other rides, this is the nearest to being […]