heartlessviking

I think it’s all breaking down, and I think it specifically has to do with how children are being handled. People in my generation are reaching the age that the urge to have children gets really strong, but where I live the conditions for children are so bad it still manages to hold most of us back. Also, my city is really xenophobic, so immigration isn’t going to solve our labor problem either.

and this is an issue because trying to have kids is the only purpose I have left. There’s no career, no huge projects, very little else to look forward to.

My wife and I […]

I feel an obligation to end the story of a particular bad episode. Even if I’m only writing it for me, I want to recap from a calm stable place. Because I’m superstitious like that, I don’t like the only thing I put out being when I’m in extreme pain. I’m not me then, not the me I want to be.

It may be difficult to understand, but coming back up can be the scarier part of an episode. Yes, feeling better is scarier than feeling like death warmed over. This is because this is the only specific situation I’ve lost complete control. Usually, the worse […]

I’ve thought of something truly awful, probably my worst idea ever, some really evil actions that would feel amazing to execute.

but they’re all bad ideas. Why? because I had them. I’m wrong, I wake up in the morning wrong before I even thought, because I thought, how dare I?! I tell you I’ve got a lot of nerve, with all this thinking.

To be fair, it’s entrapment, I was told to think. All my training led me to believe that solving problems was a way to decreasse suffering. So even in my awful ideas, I’m trying to decrease pain, if not mine, someone’s.

I feel so inept, […]

20 hours ago, I decided to start lessening my night meds some more, because I had an appointment across town at 9 AM, so I needed to get up by 8 AM. Hell of a night, not in a good way, I tossed and turned and maybe got 3 hours of sleep. But when I woke up I wasn’t that tired…. and it was just, I’ve been sleeping an average of 9 hours a night. I don’t buy into the modern humanity trend of undersleep…. because sleep is like a dry run for death, it’s literally the best thing.

but I figured I could get away […]

This was a different perspective on the whole thing than I’d heard. I hadn’t heard people say it was entirely avoidable, or refer to it as dangerous.

This is as a former social scientist, who has had specialty training on dealing with active suicidal ideation. As in, yeah, a motivated person can get out of the active stage. I’ve done it, I’ll do it again, it’s part of my life.

but….. just I’m not sure I agree that passive desire to die can be removed. Not reliably, not in a way we can replicate. Which is something maybe non scientists don’t understand why it’s such a hang […]

so, there’s another hope dissappearing into the sunset, or into the mist, whatever is the most anticlimatic depressing way for something to go away. Sinking back into the swamp like a depressed horse. You know what? Horse had a point, took the easy way out, it’s the end of that movie where suddenly things start working out after kicking the protagonist’s butt for hours that is unrealistic. That’s right, not the flying dog dragon, not the lazer eyed sphinxes, and not even the rock biter

I wanted to be wrong, so badly. It’s been almost constant, this […]

I’m buzzing a bit on dopamine from the last few hours of this game, so this is my disclaimer of that. I could be full of it, as far as this particular mindset of mine working. Dopamine makes you think you have good ideas, and some times you don’t. That’s what makes one manic, excess dopamine, all the ideas seem like good ones. The reason it’s such a dark dive…. is that many ideas aren’t good, and unfortunately our brains use chemicals to signal that.

Seriously, it’s kind of screwed up that humans spend so much time fiddling with their dopamine and seratonin levels…. but that’s […]

I loved him as much as I could ever love a dog that didn’t live in my house. His name was Bernie, and today we found him dead. God, it’s all so matter of fact…. there’s still a part of me that wants to fight it. The denial of death has never been more real, I tried to do CPR, but it was too late. I held him and I wailed. He was only three years old, and […]

I very seriously thougbt about hunting down the original post, but for several reasons including how older posts don’t seem to get revisited often, this is where I’m putting the update.

I’ve officially submitted the paperwork to drop out of grad school, after a second semester start that undermined my faith in the process. The supposed drop with no cost date is Friday, so I have to keep pushing until then else I owe $25k…… That’s a car, what grad school is worth more than a car. Literally my most expensive car, my F250 truck which has had a transmission rebuild, full suspension rebuild, and numurous […]

I don’t know why I keep thinking I’m going to get a better outcome, especially out of people who lie to me. We’re barrelling down the last few days before classes, and I STILL don’t have funding. They’re more than happy for me to take out a $25,000 loan……. I can’t afford it. That’s a HUGE bet on a job market that has done nothing other than kick the living daylights out of me every time I’ve tried it. All in, I’d double my total debt load, and I can’t.

and people keep acting like it was me that went to THEM with some great dream […]

heh, it’s funny to me, how easy it is to forget what I’ve been running from. Easy isn’t the right word, it took me nine years to get to the point of rolling back that which helped me forget, namely really powerful medications. Power is the thing, the obsession, the part of myself that has terrified me. It was brought back to me by an author I thought was dead, writing a story about giving into a desire to be used, to be drawn to an irresistable force. My whole life, that’s been the holy grail.

Of course part of it is fantasizing about becoming such […]

Then, after months of going on my own, I went back to the therapist, and then the doctor, in two days….

I’ve successfully shaken off lithium. The taper that worked was x/1/x/2/x/3/x/4/x, with x representing a normal dose, the numbers representing the days without…. and it was hard, brutal, and I probably wouldn’t have made it if a couple times family was pushing me and I said; “It’s either the taper or what you are asking, is what you are asking more important than me getting off lithium?” The answer was always the taper, to the credit of my friends and family.

even as slow as my […]

I’ve been marinating on this for a week, because of pushback I’ve gotten here, and elsewhere. Yet again, my feelings and attitudes are offensive to those I profess to care about. There’s something in it that’s just being counter cultural, when the world appears to me optimistic, I can’t trust it, I become pessimistic…. but the reverse holds as well, when the world feels doomed, I feel pretty good about where my life is going.

It’s not being out of touch, because it happens in fact in reaction to my perception. Part of it is social, when the world is going to heck plenty of people […]

Which is why I sunk into depression to begin with….. I’m not motivated to want a lot of the BS products on the market…. most things I have to make for myself

but then I get into the cost….. and it’s more than I’ve got, almost always.

I don’t know if it’s unjust or not being denied it, but it’s frustrating because I feel like all people want from me is some desire towards things, some kind of interest in engaging with the world…. and when I do come up with something…. oh no that’s too much. So you want me to get out of my bed […]

Man, if linking whatever new conflict appears in my life with something I already wrote was a monatizable skill…. I’d be capable of earning money, ha.

there are things I can’t fix though, and that’s the current theme of my life. I wrote the devil outlet bit earlier…. and I still stand by it. It’s just, does anyone else get those posts about not cluttering up the site? It feels like it’s important to the site admins, and so in the interest of conserving the public resource of front page space, sometimes I just add to an existing post.

Compared with the devil outlet though, there are […]

all of the below assumed I had my parents support. Apparently not.

I’ve tried everything I can to make good, to make this work, and I can’t. I’m going after disability, because getting off these meds requires a financial and emotional stability they can’t provide. I can’t taper down, I can’t go to grad school, and I can’t get a job. That’s disabled. Oh well if that makes them ashamed of me, I tried SO HARD to do what they wanted.

they apparently hit “fuck it” today, so I did too. Fuck all the way off if you think that this human will ever function again.

It’s an […]

My legs hurt like hell, still, from Monday afternoon when I last crawled around my attic to work on the security system

OH, and I broke a $15 hole saw…. which was frustrating. Then when I went to the store to get a cheaper version I could not get anyone to help me with it. It occurs to me as strange, when I go to the electronics store I’m swarmed with employees, and I know what I’m doing THERE….. but I’m still figuring out some stuff at the hardware store…. there are still tools I’ve never bought or only bought once.

It makes me wonder what will […]

in addition to keeping my dog with me 100% of the time, today I broke down and bought a CCTV system, security cameras

for those who missed the intro story; my neighbor is trying to steal natural gas, when he does he creates leaks which endanger everyone nearby, which includes my wife, my dog, and oh yeah, me. Two cats and two other dogs too, but those are technically surplus in my logbook.

I’m stubborn and old though. Not that old, 35, but stubborn I’ve got […]

earlier today I spied the exit door, but instead I saw it as a threat to my family….. and now I feel truly awful for slamming the damn thing

I could be dead now, people would be shopping for coffins, instead of offering feeble comfort. My back fence neighbor is committed to stealing natural gas, and if that was all it was good on him trying to beat the system,

but every time he tries he introduces danger into the equation and risks my life and property into the bargain. To think it might have been as easy as lighting a match….. I’m trying to convince myself […]

last night, ugh. I’ve been trying to lower my dose accross the board, particularly with sleep trying to get to sleep with the least physically possible. Specifically this is because of my distaste for the limitations of lithium, but all of my sleep meds cause problems in my waking life.

and with two setbacks in a week…. it’s time to admit my approach isn’t working. I was also trying tapering down my day meds, since it’s a huge interconnected mess, and I’d like to be free entirely. Turns out that 11 years of medicating isn’t that easy to reverse. The last time I did it, at […]