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What a sickening feeling it is

by nozmoking

– to be trapped not having the strength or the courage to end your own pain. If only the absence of will could be fatal…

but that would be far too merciful for one god to be

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10 comments

christinea0021 6/20/2017 - 9:00 pm

Ypu have said everyrhing i have felt for years and years.

I used to believe in God but no longer. I am close to a few folks who are fighting to survive either cancer or ALS. They WANT to live. I have repeatedly begged god to take me in their place. They are fighting to live and i so want to die.

WhySkyEnd 6/21/2017 - 11:04 pm

So true, I use to believe in God as well, until I saw the reality of life. I see so many people I know suffering, begging to live, trying to fight to survive another day and here I am begging to die. I get so envious of people who die by suddenly getting hit by a bus, car or some other falling object. They get such a nice quick way out while I sit wondering how I’m going to do it. Sucks really.

Todamnbad 6/20/2017 - 9:46 pm

Its selfish isn’t it? That we want to die so bad and yet others are trying their hardest to stay alive

nozmoking 6/21/2017 - 2:34 am

Is it? Is it really “unselfish” to suffer willingly simply because others are able to do so? After too many years of pain beyond my tolerance and being dealt the shit card on a daily basis I’ve become weak. And cowardly. And useless to myself or anyone else. I am an angry, old, ugly pile of useless inane debris. I have no hope of being anything else. My choices are gone, and all I have left is to wait to lose my medical care and be homeless. I just want the courage to dig an artery out of my fucking arm and bite through it so I don’t have to face the agony of dying in the street. If I do the world will truly be a better place. Selfish? Really?

WhySkyEnd 6/21/2017 - 11:06 pm

I don’t get why people say were selfish for wanting to die. Like… really? Were selfish for WANTING to DIE? That doesn’t make any sense. Someone who is selfish wants to live at any cost, someone who is selfish will push you in front of a bus to save his own skin. I would throw myself in front of a train to save someone because I want to die and they want to live so it’s a win win to me. I don’t think that’s selfish.

Chip 6/20/2017 - 9:49 pm

The system of life in which all things exist, created by “god” or not, is not a system of mercy. “God” and his/it’s kindness is a concept devised out of mans loneliness and need for purpose, and if he/it loves us and shows us mercy in this fairytale, it will make us happy, like fairytale are designed to do. Death and suffering are as common as life and happiness and they are intertwined to form the fabric of life. But I’m not telling anyone anything they don’t already know.

deadman 6/21/2017 - 3:42 pm

Some people make suicide look so easy, I’ll never understand it. I know what you’re talking about, I’ve suffered with my worsening condition for decades and I’m still not any closer to suicide than I was on day 1. For a while I convinced myself that my inability to kill myself was a sign that I really wanted to live, or there was some higher purpose I needed to find. Bullshit. Cowardice plain and simple. The same reason why I could never move out of my one horse shit town and see the world or meet strangers or a million things I should’ve done but was too afraid. So there you have it, imprisoned by fear for a long and painful life. I wish I could blame a god but no, it’s just natures random roll of the dice that produces masterpieces like us, just like nature produces diseased animals that barely survive birth, or children born with aids or some disease that snuffs them right out of the womb. The lucky ones. Anyway I figure if I obsess over suicide every minute of the day, eventually it’ll become so real I might actually do it. That’s shitty advice to give you but it’s the most hopeful thought I can muster.

WhySkyEnd 6/21/2017 - 11:08 pm

True words. Maybe I’m just a coward, that’s the reason I don’t do it. Or maybe it’s because in the back of my pathetic little mind is some thought telling me that I will magically win the lottery won day. Ha, how stupid. I do the same thing, I feel if I obsess over suicide all the time every day eventually it will become so real to me I will do it.

smw24 6/21/2017 - 11:14 pm
rivets 6/21/2017 - 11:35 pm

I used to believe in God, and then I realized that it makes no sense for a deity to brutally murder himself in order to prevent himself from torturing you for all eternity because you ate some shellfish, which he thinks is gross. And yet the sadistic bastard made lobster delicious.

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