It’s my birthday soon but I don’t want it. I don’t want the attention. I don’t want the happiness of everyone around me. I don’t want the confirmation that another year has passed and yet, I am still here. Not by choice or desire, but I am here. And it hurts.
I know everyone will resume their uncaring ways by the end of the day, but the fact that they can become so fakely obsessive with the celebration of life without seeing the painfully evident irony of how they act during the daily times of actual life is laughable. How do they not see? How am I the only one who sees? Why can’t they just leave me alone?
Thus I will writhe in pain and misery, not unlike any other day, but under the spotlight, hatred seeping through my smile.
Yes, what a happy, happy birthday to me.
10 comments
Do they know how you feel?
Most of them don’t, no
Maybe you should try explaining how you feel- maybe they’ll back off?
Birthdays are a trigger for me too. Mine is this month. I usually tell my family not to make a big deal, but there always ends up being some kind of surprise when you really just want to die. I hope you can pull through it and find some kind of happiness no matter what. *HUGS*
Aw thanks, you’re awesome
Best of luck with yours as well!
Thank you! You’re a sweetheart. It is not time for you to go. Stick around with me. You are not alone in these thoughts. <3
Mine was a couple days ago. Despite spending a good morning with family, i found myself often miserable throughout the rest of the day. It’s a feeling i usually associate with New Years’, so an unpleasant first for the circumstance. Though i hadn’t felt it the past two years, im sure it’ll accompany me into ’18. I hope the day at least passes quickly for you.
May I ask when your birthday is? I’m just curious and am really sorry if my question made you feel uncomfortable.
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I, too, don’t like birthdays. Not mine. Not only it’s a reminder of me still being alive, still hurting, still being afraid of hurting others, i also hate how I’m expected to be happy, just because I was born at this day some years ago. I always feel guilty when I can’t stay in a cheerful mood and not feel well, just because everyone assumes I have to be happy, it’s my birthday.
Have you considered asking the people who will celebrate your birthday with you to just not make it that big thing, so that your trigger isn’t that strong?
I really hope it will not be that bad in the end and that you’ll feel better.
Yo, those really intense feelings? Let it all out, don’t let them throw a party at you like everything’s perfect! If you take your time and stay calm, you can try and talk about your feelings with at least a few people who really matter – and it could be a very comforting conversation. Don’t sugar coat it for them!