I told my dad last night that I keep on feeling more and more introverted. He told me that he thought nothing was wrong but that maybe I was a little depressed. I couldn’t help it-I burst into tears. I told him I was depressed and had been for a while but left out me being suicidal and cutting. He told me he’d maybe find a psychiatrist or whatever but said that I nurse my feelings and that I have to choose to feel better and that he didn’t understand why I’m depressed because I have “everything going for me”. He just doesn’t understand. And now I feel like I can’t even face my family. I always feel EXTREMELY guilty when I share something about myself with someone. It feels like he’s minimizing what I feel without meaning to. And I’m always in the house and I don’t want to face the family if they knew I was a cutter. I don’t want pity or attention. I’m sorry this is so long, but I’m panicking a little bit because I’m really, really scared.
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6 comments
I hate to break it to you, but the fact of the matter is that nobody understands.
I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD a long time ago, the strain put on my body from the stress of them does physical damage, but the most common thing I hear from anyone is “try not being depressed,” or “think about reasons to be happy.”
Something I’ve found that helps is taking all of the emotion that’s built up and throwing it onto a canvas. Writing, sculpting, painting, and playing guitar help too, but just throwing an abstract painting of everything I feel in the moment onto a canvas helps me better than anything else.
I never really have anything profound to say, but I’m here to listen if you ever need to talk. Well, and I’m online, I haven’t gotten onto this site in a while. 😛
Those who never went through something like this will never understand. This is how the world works. That’s why I never try talking to anyone about it anymore.
I remember, when I was still a little brat, one of my colleagues said once that they had a depression. Neither I nor others didn’t do anything about it – because neither I nor they understood even the smallest part of what they have gone through. It’s different when you go through something yourself.
Don’t be sorry, it’s not long at all. Write whatever is on your mind, there are always those that read it, even if they don’t comment. The thing is, people here do understand to some extent what you’re going through. It’s hard, I know, but just keep tight.
Majestic is right. Maybe you could try to convert your feeling into something? I find it helpful sometimes as well. Abstract painting and spoken poetry the most. And write here more nightingale.
Thank you guys I feel a little less alone now :-). I suck at painting 🙂 but I do draw and write poetry and I like to dance and I’m happiest when I’m in dance class. It’s just frustrating because he asked me where my fight was and I wanted to say I am fighting. Every fucking day to get through all of this internal pain. You know? I’m glad that you guys understand though that makes me feel better :-).
Doesn’t matter how good you are at something. Do it if it helps you and with practice, you’ll get better.
As said before, write whatever is on your mind. As you described, it’s an everyday struggle and it’s difficult to get through this alone.
Comment in moderation
-hugs- I’m sorry.
As said above people won’t understand, nobody really can fully understand what you feel either. The only way to be able to do that is to actually be you…. So it’s a bit unrealistic to expect people to understand it, but you should expect people to be understanding of how you feel which is very possible. It’s actually really good that he thought about looking into a counselor or whatever you want to call it, but personally I’d suggest that you actually find the counselor on your own…. I know it’s possibly scary or stressful and irritating but it’ll be better if you want to go that route, because you may have preferences that your father isn’t aware of. The psychology today site has a find a therapist function which I would recommend, you can look over several options and possibly ask your father to call them for you…. However if he does pick one for you it’s still worth a shot, and maybe you’ll actually be okay with them….
Also I’m sorry that he said that…. It’s a hard question to answer, I’d assume you’ve probably asked yourself that same question….
I wish you the best, I do hope that things work out for you.