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oscillate wildly

by takethistoyourgrave

ive always been a pretty well adjusted kid. my parents separated when i was 5, but i was, and am, still very close to them. my mom and i, we weren’t rich but we had enough money for what we neeeded. some very close family friends pay for me to go to a private christian school. i love it there, i have a pretty large social circle. i like myself. i think i’m pretty, i’m healthy, the only thing i really don’t like is my skin but i’m 16, so it’s not that big of a deal.
about two years ago my mother started acting odd. talking to herself, forgetting things, saying things that didnt make any sense – i didnt really pay it any mind since she had always been a little weird. i figured she was just being religious or something.
then one day after a color guard practice, it got really weird. my mother was going on about recorders planted into her brain, people watching her and spying on her and poisoning her, me, our cats. i didnt know what to think but i was terrified. i called my father and he swore and headed our way. i had a panic attack in the shower and then ignored my mother screaming at nothing while i tried to focus on 9th grade honors english homework and waited for my dad.
by the time he got thereshe had calmed down and i considered staying at a friend’s, but didnt. assured my dad i would be okay and just decided it was a one time incident – must just be stress or something. end of the month, you know, bills are due, and they had just finalized their divorce.
it was not a one time incident. slowly i watched in horror as my mother got worse and worse and worse. crazier and crazier. she has schizophrenia, i realized. like at least 7 other people before her. mental illness is everyone’s inheritance in my family. i had already been dealing with depression and bpd for a few years. say whatever about self diagnosis but some things are really fucking obvious.

its been 2 years. i’ll be a junior in high school in a couple months. schizophrenia makes people pretty irresponsible, or maybe its just her. we got evicted from our house late last april because she spent her money on i dont even know what. we’re living in an apartment now and it’s fine i guess. not ideal but it’s better than being on the streets right?
shes convinced people are stalking, poisoning, trying to hurt her. she called the landlord this morning telling him all the nonsense thats only real to her and now shes trying to move?? we dont have anywhere else to go, and she cant afford anywhere else right now anyway.

i’ve decided to just end it. thats selfish isn’t it? it’s going to hurt my dad so badly. my mother is going to get worse, and people are going to blame her and she’ll be hurt. theres a small part of me that’s glad she’ll be hurt – my life has become so stressful because of her. i shouldnt have to worry about this in high school. that small part that wants to hurt is another reason i want it to end. i love my mom so much and shes still so amazing, strong, caring, giving, compassionate, and kind most days. but a lot of times shes just crazy and stress is apparently really not good for a teenager that already has major depressive disorder.
and its going to hurt my friends too. i love them so much. theyre all so amazing….its going to hurt them a lot. it’s just. it’s just that this is hard you know? i don’t want this anymore. i still believe in God. i’m afraid that when i end it, i’ll end up in hell, but i still love Him and genuinely believe He loves me. maybe it’s because i was raised christian but God is still a huge part of me.
but this is so hard and i don’t think i can do it anymore. even if i can do it anymore i don’t want to. i’ve always been a lazy spoiled brat. makes sense that when life gets difficult my immediate thought is suicide.

i’ve thought about it a lot though. ways i could do it. what i’m going to put in my suicide note. who gets a note and who doesn’t. what i would give away and what i would just say to give to goodwill. i would give my books to one friend i have. clothes and shoes and furniture to goodwill. stuffed animals to my two younger half sisters/two younger half brothers that dont live with me bc family is weird and complicated.

if i had access to a gun i would shoot myself. quick, mostly painless. but despite the stereotypes about the south i have no access to a gun.
i could hang myself. buy a rope at lowes or something and walk to the park about 10 minutes away. preferably at dawn, since i’m a ***** and too scared of demons or rapists to go at night, but people jog early in the morning so. middle of the might it is. with a flashlight and mace.
pills would be nice too, except i have no access to them. unless maybe i could ask ***** who his dealer is once school starts. would hate to get someone in that much trouble though. plus, i’m too afraid i’ll wake up in a hospital to angry loved ones and a damaged stomach or liver or whatever.
i could jump off a building. theres a ton of high up buildings. i could try the apartment i live in, but i dont know if it’s high enough. i’d probably break my right arm or something, like evan hansen.
i could try cutting myself but i really doubt i have the self discipline to do it deep enough to bleed that much.

i guess i’ll keep jumping and hanging in mind right now. i definitely don’t plan on being alive past christmas break this year.

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Username123 7/5/2017 - 9:53 pm

Welcome to the group! If you haven’t noticed already there are a few type of people in this group. Bible thumpers, those who aren’t religious but are looking to talk and not ever go through with suicide because there is help, those who believe they have beat their suicidal ideation, those who want to help, and those who are definitely 100% no doubt about it going to commit suicide! I am in the last category. Anyway, sorry about your mom. They won’t blame her if you do suicide.

a1957 7/5/2017 - 10:37 pm

Welcome to SP. Living with a schizophrenic is hard. At least around here you will know you are not the only one hurting and maybe you will see shades of your own pains in the stories of others. About 99% of the folks around here are supportive and some really excel at it.

itsme 7/6/2017 - 1:04 am

Sorry to hear about your mother. Perhaps you should live with your dad if you can’t cope living with her. However it would be better if you are able to stay with her. I think loneliness would make her condition even worse and she might need to be institutionalized.

I went through something similar with my mother (who’s a Christian also, though I’m not religious). She had a similar episode when I was younger, fortunately she snapped out of it and is quite normal for the most part. Her case was very mild and I think it was triggered by loneliness and stress.

At the time I was living with my father (and was working) but looking back I realized I should’ve lived with her and helped her to buy a house-they were cheaper back then also. I think it was selfish of me, since I didn’t really give much thought about her life and was focused on my own. But I still cared about my mother and helped her out of some tough spots-eventually we began living together again since I realized she needed my help and never regretted it since.

We’ve been through a lot together and we’ve been there for each other. My other siblings don’t give a damn so I’m glad I was around to help her. I had often thought of suicide but I know if I did kill myself, my mother would’ve ended up homeless and eventually dead-so I’m glad that I stayed.

I know how overwhelming it can be for someone as young as yourself (I was in my early 20s when this happened for me)-to find that the parent you trusted and expected to be there for you, to basically become dysfunctional and now you’re forced to grow up fast/become an adult. Hopefully your father can assist you and that there are others in your family that can pitch in.

Your mom also needs therapy, perhaps there are drugs that can help control her condition. Perhaps she should appoint you or someone else you trust as a guardian or trustee in case she cannot handle her financial affairs.

I know your first impulse is to want to try to escape your situation because it is scary-but think of all those who care about you and especially your mother…what will happen to her? I’m not saying it’s your duty or anything but rather than giving up, you can take control and help her and yourself.

When I was a kid I hated my parents for the life they gave me-but it was a better life than I make it sound and compared to other parents I’ve seen, mine were pretty good and had a sense of loyalty to family.

Sadly apart from myself my other siblings didn’t really learn those same lessons. Perhaps because I was the oldest, they were used to me taking responsibility for everything. I sense your father could be a big help in this predicament, perhaps you should get him more involved. Best of luck.

itsme 7/6/2017 - 1:15 am

Just to add to my point, if your mother has money but is mentally unfit to handle finances, it’s imperative that you take legal control over her affairs (financial and medical) or she will improverish you both (if she hasn’t already) since it’s clear she doesn’t know what she’s doing and her mental illness is causing her to make bad decisions.

When I was a teenager my mother was mentally stable however she donated a lot of her money to church/televangelists, foolishly believing God would answer her prayers, of course he never did and she just became poorer because of it. Eventually she stopped but she realized too late.

That’s one reason I left religion-I see it as an evil money-grubbing scam on gullible poor people but I’m not trying to have a religious discussion here. Just wanted to point out that she could’ve bought a house at that time but she squandered her capital, to her and her kids detriment.

CARLOSPEJUAN 7/6/2017 - 7:13 am

This sounds almost identical to a cousin of mine. All I must say, is that people cannot be the reason why you kill yourself. Because there is a solution to your problems. As a matter of fact, it seems that as soon as you’re out of the house you’re gonna be well off in life. Holy crap, that fortitude is immense!

Morris 7/6/2017 - 9:28 pm

It seems like a lot of Smiths fans wind up on this site. I wonder if Morrissey & Johnny Marr ever suspected that their gloomy (yet likeable) music would stand the test of time. (Kinda doubt it).

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