ive always been a pretty well adjusted kid. my parents separated when i was 5, but i was, and am, still very close to them. my mom and i, we weren’t rich but we had enough money for what we neeeded. some very close family friends pay for me to go to a private christian school. i love it there, i have a pretty large social circle. i like myself. i think i’m pretty, i’m healthy, the only thing i really don’t like is my skin but i’m 16, so it’s not that big of a deal.
about two years ago my mother started acting odd. talking to herself, forgetting things, saying things that didnt make any sense – i didnt really pay it any mind since she had always been a little weird. i figured she was just being religious or something.
then one day after a color guard practice, it got really weird. my mother was going on about recorders planted into her brain, people watching her and spying on her and poisoning her, me, our cats. i didnt know what to think but i was terrified. i called my father and he swore and headed our way. i had a panic attack in the shower and then ignored my mother screaming at nothing while i tried to focus on 9th grade honors english homework and waited for my dad.
by the time he got thereshe had calmed down and i considered staying at a friend’s, but didnt. assured my dad i would be okay and just decided it was a one time incident – must just be stress or something. end of the month, you know, bills are due, and they had just finalized their divorce.
it was not a one time incident. slowly i watched in horror as my mother got worse and worse and worse. crazier and crazier. she has schizophrenia, i realized. like at least 7 other people before her. mental illness is everyone’s inheritance in my family. i had already been dealing with depression and bpd for a few years. say whatever about self diagnosis but some things are really fucking obvious.
its been 2 years. i’ll be a junior in high school in a couple months. schizophrenia makes people pretty irresponsible, or maybe its just her. we got evicted from our house late last april because she spent her money on i dont even know what. we’re living in an apartment now and it’s fine i guess. not ideal but it’s better than being on the streets right?
shes convinced people are stalking, poisoning, trying to hurt her. she called the landlord this morning telling him all the nonsense thats only real to her and now shes trying to move?? we dont have anywhere else to go, and she cant afford anywhere else right now anyway.
i’ve decided to just end it. thats selfish isn’t it? it’s going to hurt my dad so badly. my mother is going to get worse, and people are going to blame her and she’ll be hurt. theres a small part of me that’s glad she’ll be hurt – my life has become so stressful because of her. i shouldnt have to worry about this in high school. that small part that wants to hurt is another reason i want it to end. i love my mom so much and shes still so amazing, strong, caring, giving, compassionate, and kind most days. but a lot of times shes just crazy and stress is apparently really not good for a teenager that already has major depressive disorder.
and its going to hurt my friends too. i love them so much. theyre all so amazing….its going to hurt them a lot. it’s just. it’s just that this is hard you know? i don’t want this anymore. i still believe in God. i’m afraid that when i end it, i’ll end up in hell, but i still love Him and genuinely believe He loves me. maybe it’s because i was raised christian but God is still a huge part of me.
but this is so hard and i don’t think i can do it anymore. even if i can do it anymore i don’t want to. i’ve always been a lazy spoiled brat. makes sense that when life gets difficult my immediate thought is suicide.
i’ve thought about it a lot though. ways i could do it. what i’m going to put in my suicide note. who gets a note and who doesn’t. what i would give away and what i would just say to give to goodwill. i would give my books to one friend i have. clothes and shoes and furniture to goodwill. stuffed animals to my two younger half sisters/two younger half brothers that dont live with me bc family is weird and complicated.
if i had access to a gun i would shoot myself. quick, mostly painless. but despite the stereotypes about the south i have no access to a gun.
i could hang myself. buy a rope at lowes or something and walk to the park about 10 minutes away. preferably at dawn, since i’m a ***** and too scared of demons or rapists to go at night, but people jog early in the morning so. middle of the might it is. with a flashlight and mace.
pills would be nice too, except i have no access to them. unless maybe i could ask ***** who his dealer is once school starts. would hate to get someone in that much trouble though. plus, i’m too afraid i’ll wake up in a hospital to angry loved ones and a damaged stomach or liver or whatever.
i could jump off a building. theres a ton of high up buildings. i could try the apartment i live in, but i dont know if it’s high enough. i’d probably break my right arm or something, like evan hansen.
i could try cutting myself but i really doubt i have the self discipline to do it deep enough to bleed that much.
i guess i’ll keep jumping and hanging in mind right now. i definitely don’t plan on being alive past christmas break this year.