Have you ever sat back and tried to figure out what started your depression? Like, what made me get to the point that harming myself is my only release ? Maybe it was my dad dying when I was a baby (daddy issues) ? But plenty of others have never known their dad and are perfectly fine….. Maybe it was the boy who took advantage of me in 1st grade & stole my innocence ? This seems like the winner, but I remember being so sad before this even happened…. Maybe it’s the way my mother has treated me ? That has to be it. She’s always put me down and caused me to see myself so poorly. Or it could’ve been the other children in school ? They all teased me for being bigger than them.
Whatever it was, I wish I could somehow go back in time and erase it from my history. I want to know what it feels like to be happy, and not artificially happy from drugs. I want to know what it feels like to wake up and not have to force yourself to get out of bed. I want to know what it feels like to smile and actually mean it. I’ve been wearing a fake smile for so long, even I think it’s real sometimes….
I stay up for days at a time until my body finally has to crash. My anxiety and depression seem to be battling each other to gain control over my body. I always feel tired and drained, but once I lay down I can’t sleep. My mind is going crazy with all of these scenarios from throughout the day that I could’ve done different if I wasn’t so afraid of upsetting people with my opinion. I always feel hungry, but when I go to make something to eat, the smell of the food makes me feel nauseous and I change my mind. I can’t say who’s winning, but I know who’s losing, and that’s me.
I have isolated myself so long, and pushed almost everyone away unintentionally. I guess I’m just making it easier for everyone to cope with my suicide. I won’t make the same mistake as last time, pills won’t do the deed. I’m 18 now, so I can legally buy a firearm. I go into stores and look at them all the time. Looking them up, looking for the perfect one to buy that will blow my head to smithereens.
The only thing that keeps me from doing it, is my dog. He depends on me, and is my best friend. He’s there with me through everything. And I’m there for him. But he has recently been diagnosed with cancer. Meaning, his time is coming to an end, and so is mine. Once I lose him, I have no reason to stay. I can finally leave and fall into that eternal sleep. I can finally feel all of this weight lifted off of my shoulders. I won’t have to lay in bed and cry, all day, all night. I don’t even have a reason why I’m crying, I guess I’m crying because I’m alive. But it’ll all end soon enough.
The day I plan on killing myself will be the happiest day of my life.
9 comments
I’m sorry to hear about your dog. I hope you can find what you’re looking for whether it lays within either life or death.
Thank you
That’s quite the trifecta you described there. That’s a lot of shit to be oiled onto 18 years.
Losing a pet sucks. I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. With your love of dogs, I have a suggestion: have you considered volunteering at a pet shelter? The unconditional love that dogs provide is gold. And the shelters need help. And I’m guessing you could use some positive stuff in your life right now.
it’s a lot of soul damaging shit ????? And I never thought about that, I’ll look into it at the animal shelter in my area.
Those question marks are because I used an emoji, my bad
It’s a good exercise to try to figure out when and how depression started. It helps me keep control of my impulses knowing the behavior patterns I fall into. If I were to make a guess what caused your instability I’d say it’s a lot like what caused mine: no protection/ support from your parents combined with being bullied and abused at a young age. Think of it, if you had a strong father figure or a protective, nurturing mother, you wouldn’t feel helpless against bullies or the boy who stole your innocence. You would tell your parents and they would fight for you and you’d be a happy well-adjusted kid who didn’t get depressed at life’s difficulties. Oh well there’s my armchair diagnosis at least.
About your dog, trust me I know the feeling of having your only true friend dying in front of you. Actually in my case this leads back to point #1, my dog was diagnosed with cancer but I didn’t know it was TREATABLE with a high success rate, but my parents didn’t want to shell out the money so they killed her instead. I was away at college and only found out on spring break when I came back to an empty home. Almost all cancer is treatable, in humans as well as animals. Especially with dogs, there are new “experimental” drugs procedures (that aren’t approved for humans because it takes years and tons of corporate money deals before it gets approval). So your dog doesn’t necessarily have a death sentence. Maybe you can find the strength to live by fighting for your dog, the way nobody ever fought for you?
Your diagnosis seems pretty logical with my behavior and how I see things. I probably never would’ve looked at it as a whole, it makes more sense that way.
I’m willing to do anything and everything I can for my dog, I would only put him down if it was the absolute only option. & even then I’d still have to think about it. I’m gonna fight for my dog as hard as I can.
That’s so great that you’re fighting for your dog. It may give you a reason to fight for yourself too. If you live near a college with a vet school, ask if they have a cancer program (the bigger the school the better). Or sometimes vets will help you find a rescue or fund that will contribute to the bill. It’s not hopeless. All dogs are optimists, and that’s half the battle 🙂
Find peace. Puppy dogs are LIFE.