It’s been a long time coming….

  August 26th, 2017 by lostza

I’ve had four suicide attempts in the past. My family knew nothing of the first three, and my sibling suspected something on the fourth attempt.

So far, it’s not been an easy task, sharing a home. But now I am completely alone, physically and emotionally.

For many years, I struggled with the feeling of loneliness and having suicidal thoughts, even when I had a support system. Recently, my life is in a downward spiral, and I have just had my heart broken for what I hope is the last time.

I have two options now: hanging, or jumping. I’ve tried hanging before, and I recently found out the knot was incorrect, that’s why I was left with just a sore neck. So now that I know better, and also know that no one will disturb me, this is an option.

Jumping might be easier. I have found a place where I could jump approximately 18 floors down. The problem with this one is that it’s very public. I’m not concerned with people trying to stop me, as there are times when the floors are quiet, but I would not be falling outside a building, this is on the inside, straight down. I almost did it last night while I was there, but I changed my mind. In hindsight, I should have just done it.

As I write this, I am looking around, thinking I should get things in order before I do this. Perhaps tomorrow, perhaps the day after. I know people will miss me and say, “Why didn’t she ask for help?” – but those people who will miss me are people who are in my life because they benefit from it in some way, and those who say, “Why didn’t she ask for help?” will be saying that out of guilt. My family knows I have been struggling for a while now, and they brush it off. I tried to talk to my sibling about my devastating breakup, they changed the topic so we could speak about them instead. I have been posting on social media, letting people know I am not okay. They think I do it in solidarity for those struggling with mental health issues.

I cannot see any way out anymore. I thought if I got a job, I’d feel better. Except, no matter what I do, I can’t get a job. I thought that if I were in a relationship, it would get better. Except they all leave me, even without knowing anything of my troubles. I am fast running out of money, and I feel so alone and lonely. I really think this time will be the last…..

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