I have always been a failure despite achieving a lot early in life. Sounds odd, but trouble followed me since I was a teen, leading to the bottom I hit, yet again. I have attempted to take my life several times in 20 years. the first time I saw the light and was given a choice to live which I stupidly accepted. The second time I saw the darkness, an empty void of loneliness and despair. Again, out of the darkness came a light that gave me yet another chance. Now here I am 10 years on, and again I realize I do not belong with the living. While each of my failed attempts were considered miracles of survival given the circumstances, such “miracles’ feel more like a curse. Today my kids are grown, educated and self-sufficient. They no longer need me so at least I will not be the continual disappointment I have been for the past 10 years. Most importantly. my only ally. my mother, died suddenly in my arms a few weeks ago. Now I know what it feels like to be truly alone. my mother was the only one that forgave my mistakes while my “father” took joy on constantly reminding me of how much of a disappointment I have always been. Here is the best way to sum up his feelings towards me. when my youngest brother committed suicide a few years back, he said multiple times it should have been me so that he would have not taken his life. As a life long sufferer of severe depression, that doesn’t do much for the soul. After he died I moved back home and found it impossible to find a job in my narrow field of expertise in pharmacology. with my mother gone, I have been told I need to leave this house by next Tuesday. I was homeless for a week once so I cant imagine being lost with nowhere to call home, no matter how dysfunctional that home is. So I made my decision and with the assistance of a few hundred narcotics, this time I will not fail. If there is a loving God, which I always believed there was, I hope He can see the internal pain and forgive my action and all my mistakes. People have said your kids will help…no such luck. I understand their distance and respect their lack of assistance. They love me on their terms. I would never want to be a burden on them so I wont reach out for help. More importantly, I could not accept hearing them say “No” – again
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It sounds like things have been really tough for you and like this is a particularly hard time. I’m sorry about your losses and I’m sorry that your father is being so unkind to you. You’ve made it this far and you are probably a tremendously strong person and can keep making it day to day. On the good days I tell myself that even when it doesn’t seem worth it, there’s always something good or at least ok coming. I don’t know what I’m trying to say because I know it’s a struggle but know that you are a valuable person.
thanks,, that was so kind of you.. I appreciate it,
My condolences. So sorry about your brother and now your mother.
Can you think of any options for employment or a place to stay?
I can’t imagine the pain you’re suffering right now. While I have been in the throes of similar pain, having lost my own mother to suicide three and a half years ago and having tried to end my life on multiple occasions, I don’t wish to make assumptions about what you’re going through at the moment. All I can do is tell you how it has been for me since that time. I’m sorry that your kids have been so distant, and I could definitely act that way to my mom too. But losing her was the most painful experience of my life, and even though my life has become much better than it was back then (and I still have days where I debate whether or not my life is worth living), I still would give anything just to have her here and be able to see her smile, to hear her voice, to be able to hug her. When she attempted for the first time four years prior to her final act, I thought I was going to lose her. I visited her in the ICU every day. And I still remember the one day I got to the hospital, and they told me that the lithium levels in her blood had finally dropped down and that she was awake. I remember her faint smile, the weakness of her grasp when I held her hand, her mouthing the words “I love you”, and the promise we made–“I’ll stay if you stay.” I’ll never fault her for not being able to keep it, but I’m working every day to try to keep it on my end. I assure you, your children will be devastated if they ever lost you that way, and I am telling you that from experience.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful response. Over the last day the realization I am truly alone has set in. Having just spoken to my brother, they all know I will end my life yet there is no compassion. I find that strange since my entire life I have been the go to person to handle all types of problems, I sought out resolutions to help anyone that needed help. Now in the depths of my darkest days, I am alone. My family knows hoe close I was to my mom, yet again, no one cares. I suspect my final days will be spent alone, searching for a place to make the ultimate decision. So sad that people have to end their existence this way, Never in a million years did I believe I would be alone and so afraid.
Sorry to hear about your Mum dying – and facing possible homelessness! I hope you can find somewhere to go before next week. Facing homelessness and mourning is a double king-hit I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. I wish you well and hope someone steps up for you at this time but I also understand why you are considering an OD. Suffering, with no support, is a long and lonely road.
Family is not always the stalwart, support group some of us were brought up to believe in. Family can be such a huge disappointment and the most hurtful people ever in your life. No-one should be in a situation where they feel they have no choice but to end their life due to the actions of others.