So I posted before about how I was in an almost magical trance of tranquility and really ready to go. Then some physical pain set in and snapped me out of it and I wondered if I would even be able to execute my carefully crafted plan.
Yesterday the physical pain came down significantly as a result of some intense pain killers but the pain killers are wearing off and the pain is coming back.
I can’t tolerate another day of feeling terrible, and my resolve is stronger than ever. But this time, I’m not in the magical trance. I just feel really clear headed. I have considered all the options, and this is what I want.
I am under no illusions. I know this is going to hurt like hell and it might not work. I know that if it doesn’t work, things will get even worse. I also don’t have any guarantee that the after life (if there is one) is going to be better than this. But these are all risks I am willing to take.
I am sad to be leaving the handful of really great friends that care about me, and I am sad to leave my family and my little dog. I really wish that they could understand that this is for the best. I tried to explain it to one friend last night and I think she understood what I was saying at least, even though she disagreed. But I know that no one in my circle will truly understand and that they will see it as giving up.
And I suppose that would be right: it is giving up. But after twenty years of reliving the same pain on a regular basis, despite making huge changes and efforts to improve things, I think I am entitled to “give up”.
My favourite quote about suicide is as follows:
“Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don’t kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, “He fought so hard.” And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.”
–Sally Brampton, Shoot the Damn Dog: A Memoir of Depression
After a twenty year battle in which I have gained no ground whatsoever, I am ready to surrender.
I wish I had something more poignant to say, but I don’t. I just can’t do this anymore. So I’m not going to.
3 comments
I always think it’s something that should be done with eyes open.. That if you have tried and know what you’re doing and know what could happen and what you’re leaving behind then in some way it’s alright.
And a different part holds an opposite view.
I hope you do everything you want before you act. However unlikely something could change you’re mind, at least for a little bit.
Great quote. Around here most know. or will learn, that suicide would come at the end of a long struggle. But it seems the populace has little notion of this. Thanks for this kind, supportive quote.
That’s a fantastic quote. I have a similar one…”when cancer takes a life, we blame cancer. Depression is a disease, so don’t blame the victim for losing the fight”. I’m not sure who said it but I felt like I could really relate to it. I hope you can find what you’re looking for, whether it’s in this life or not.