It’s been a long time since the last time I posted something here. I guess nobody even remembers me.
Last time I posted I was in a bad situation because of the lack of good results in my Ph.D. After that I was expelled from my university, gave all my savings to the guy I secretly loved because he needed the money. So, with no money, no studies, no job, I had to go back to my country, live in my parents’ house, be a burden to them again and learn to live with this permanent failure that is me. Eventually I got a job so I could give some money to my parents and feel a little less useless.
One month ago I left my parents’ house to be closer to my job, so now I live by myself, I tell to everyone that it is a good experience, but actually it doesn’t feel like that. The everlasting loneliness is hard to deal with, ironically the company of people too. My place is a dirty and nasty mess because the only things I do is to sit to my computer, sometimes cook something in dishes I never wash, and sleep, sleep too much.
Why am I living this way? I don’t know, it’s something that I just can’t change no matter how hard I try, actually I knew all this would happen when I’d live by myself. Why did I leave my parent’s home? Honestly, I was tired of being a burden in other people’s life, they have many things to deal with in the every day, I just make their lifes harder. I was tired of feeling a bad person.
I don’t feel any motivation to do anything, waking up every day at 11:00 am is harder and harder. Most of the time I dont even eat, not because I can’t afford the food (I actually have two well paid jobs), I just don’t feel motivated to do it although I know it’s something important. Actually I push myself to starvation because I feel so disgusting and fucking fat, the medication (antidepressives, antipsychotics) have side effects that make gain weight. Exercise should be an option, but again, I just can’t even think about it.
Today I was all day here, lying in this bed, starving, hopeless, alone, wondering how much time will I resist until I have to be taken to a mental institution (again), or kill myself (I wish that I could, but I’m a coward), or just die in this bed. I wonder why must I feel this way, why I can’t make things well, anything, whatever, be good at something. I don’t want to live this way, can’t be alone with the person that I hate the most: me.
PS. Sorry my bad english, sorry for making you waste your time reading my nonsense.
5 comments
Hey! How are you now? I’m so sorry for all that’s happening with you right now. I can understand (to some extent) what you must be going through. I lost my job, came back to my country and living at my parents’ too. It’s a terrible feeling I know. But I’m glad you have a well paid job now. Does the antidepressants help your mental health?
Honestly, they make me feel some like “in control”, not better, but it’s something. Unfortunately, they increase my anxiety to eat, and I gain weight very fast, and being fat moreover to be ugly, unatractive, sad and a social phobic doesn’t look like a good idea. So I recently stoped the antidepressants, the problem is that the other things (sadness, suicidal thougts, etc…) are back and stronger. I don’t know what should I do.
I gain weight fast as well. And it frustrates me a lot. I can’t workout cause of disc bulge at multiple points. Even if i were alright I still wouldn’t do physical exercise cause I’m lazy af. I actually have nothing to do right now. I’m just a parasite. But very recently I’ve started to look into the mirror, feel upset for a while, then workout to see a difference Everyday. I am not sure if I shed pounds but I’m starting to appreciate my body. Never feel ugly or unattractive cause you’re not. All of us are ugly to some and attractive to some other. I’m just as you are and I really hope you start appreciating yourself for what you are.
Hello, I just wanted to say that while we have different situations, I feel that I can relate. I have “friends” but I can never tell them how I am feeling because they simply just don’t understand. I never read your old story but from the looks of it, you having two jobs is an amazing accomplishment. I’m in my senior year of HS but I can’t stand the classes, teachers, people, etc (hint: I’m garbage). I wish the best for you and hope you can stay motivated because you can live safely with a stable job. My final statement to you is, maybe take a trip for yourself (if you can afford it) and who knows you might meet someone new :). Sorry for this long ass reply.
Thank you very much for your support. It’s hard feeling alone all the time, specially because I have to be with myself and I hate myself so much. I understand the way you feel about HS (by the way, I’m a teacher), but have in mind that it’s something temporary, so you shouldn’t let this feeling hurt you, we all have ever felt like garbage in any moment of our lives, but I guess this feeling will eventually fade, I hope so for you.