Lost, Hurting, and Downward Spiral

TL;DR- I used to be a good kid, then I ruined myself and tried to abandon school. I’ve had such a bumpy ride but it never stopped going downhill. I am so lost and the pressure is getting to me deeply. I want to end it all but I still feel guilt eating at me for leaving my family to suffer.

I want to start off by saying that I used to be happy, energetic and was, at some point, an intelligent kid. I was responsible and did school work and homework on time. Fast forward to 8th grade where the real problems began. I developed a procrastination habit and also laziness (actually built from 7th grade on). It was English class and I dreaded essays so one day I decided not to turn it in at all (test grade). I lied that I left it at home but once the second day came around I didn’t want to say the same thing again so I skipped English class entirely. For the first 2 days I skipped only English class and it felt exciting hiding in the bathroom while playing on my phone. Then I felt even more confident and skipped whole school days consecutively until the truancy note and call arrived. My parents got super angry at first but we talked it through and I had to go to the school to talk with the counselor to work the situation out so the family wouldn’t have to go to court over this. It worked out! I finished the year but this was just the beginning.

So now heading into high school as a freshman I told myself I was going to be better and start new. Boy how wrong I was. My grades dropped low because I didn’t study and didn’t have to motivation to. The depression was building even more now. People that used to think I was smart probably now thought that I was the dumbest Asian (forgot to mention my race which is actually important) they’d ever met. I was expected to excel at everything because of what race I was and I ended up disappointing many people. So anyway, I end up finishing freshman year with 2 skipped days total which was pretty good for the most part. In 10th grade, I broke for the second time. Two months into the school year my grades were not only low, but I was also starting to literally have failing grades. The final straw was when I was yelled at loudly by a stupidly passionate teacher in front of some of my classmates. He accused me of not studying (he was right) since he saw my failing grades. I felt so embarrassed and empty but my pride also wouldn’t let my myself cry in public. I came back home and broke down and told my family I couldn’t go to school anymore and did attempt to suicide but I was stopped. My family finally agreed to let me be home schooled for the rest of the year on the condition that I would enroll back the following year. This period of time was bliss. I relaxed and got some studying and work done while being home schooled for a year. Once the time came to re-enroll back to the school, they had to verify that I did indeed do work at home, so they gave me 5 final exams to take in which I had to pass at least 3 of them to have to credits accepted. I did exactly that but I barely got it done.

Finally heading into 11th grade, I lied to many friends about my courses and pretended to be in the same courses as them when in reality I had 2 courses where I was one level below them. The other problems in 11th grade was that I had many all nighters completing notes for history class and I was determined. My grades finally rose mostly because the classes were extremely easy. I got all A’s except in English where I got an A first semester and a B second semester. So junior year was, I would say, a huge success. Most everything went well other than the lying to friends and having consecutive all nighters.

Finally I get through this summer and I am currently a senior in high school. At least two courses are utter hell and I take all nighters  every single day except the weekends. To top it off, I end up not even learning the material. Today I got back a quiz with a big 42% on top. I feel like screaming and sobbing, but most of all I feel powerless. Nothing has gone right and my pride again stopped me from dropping this course. I also have to take the SAT still which will be in about 30 hours and considering my PSAT score, I am not feeling optimistic. I’ve also never prepared for what is perhaps one of the most important tests in my life. I don’t even know if I can go to a normal non-community college at this point considering how dumb I am. My parents are understanding and that’s what hurts the most. I have no real friends because it seems like they care but most of the time I’m trying to hang out with them instead of vice versa. I don’t get invited to the movies, parties, group gatherings, etc. I’ve never had a girlfriend or talked to a girl (that’s not my family) for more than 2 seconds. I am the biggest introvert and it seems like the world is against me. This is not the case however; I am the common denominator because I fucked myself over. I have 2 tests and 2 quizzes with some homework due tomorrow yet here I am. I don’t know what to do with my life and I truly want to end what I couldn’t get to do the first time.

If you made it this far, I appreciate you greatly. You either truly care or laughed at how pathetic I am. Either way, thank you again. I just needed an outlet to share my insignificant problems.