Ever since school started I haven’t been posting since I barley have time to breathe. I visited the hospital about 2 weeks ago since the headaches and chest pain proceed. The doctor gave me pills for a week and immediately checked my oxygen level thinking it had something to do with my asthma. After we left the hospital my parents gave me shit not only because the doctor said it was nothing but also because I forgot my identity card at home. I’m starting to forget things for some reason and I want it to stop. If I keep on forgetting things I won’t be able to get through this school year. Anyways, going to the hospital didn’t work. My chest still hurts, my head feels like exploding and I struggle to get out of bed everyday. After 136 days of being clean, I lost it. Yesterday night, I used something new but it didn’t cut as deep so I went back to my old way. My blood wasn’t as dark this time. I didn’t cry, I didn’t move, I was just empty. I just want to die. I don’t want to be here anymore. I think I am permanently psychologically damaged. Yesterday, I was reminded that I’m losing.
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