I never thought I would get here. I mean either to the fact of “getting through horrible experiences”, and to “getting over obstacles”.
To be honest, at first it was easy for me feeling like a victim. “Winning” the lottery to go through shitty life, odds must be like a 1 to 500,000 . But after awhile, I got over the feeling of being a victim. I started focusing on how to end the pain. I understood that I want to achieve great goals, and be able to be completely independent. And I knew 1 thing for sure – the independence will be concurred easily by having a lot of money .
So right now, I’m fighting poverty, and learning disabilities in order to succeed at my studies. (This has no relation to harsh life obstacles I have to confront ). My studies will allow me freedom and to change everything. It’s like to start over haha.
Due to excessive energy and time investment, I find my self at age 20 so isolated and betrayed by many friends. Either way if their intentions were mean or good, I’m lonely.
This has started to do a number on me. I feel myself slowly sinking down the well of depression. I also started experiencing sanity loss: tough times at sleeping, Eating disorder, Loudly speaking to myself, Swearing out loud, Saying out load “I need to kill myself” (and I’m not feeling suicidal). I started having from time to time horror nightmares on regular basis, and forget most of my other dreams (usually I remember them). I feel naive toward any (even personal) disasters. I feel paranoid a bit. I don’t trust no man – I don’t show it, but I have got to the point I’m intelligently not trusting anyone, as if I’m following the qoute “Stay close to your enemies”.
I know that the experience I lost in the last 3 years, and my whole fucked up childhood is not fixable. I know I missed things I would never experience and I know can never change the past. But I found myself a truly working (at least for me) coping mechanism.
I believe that with all the chaos I been through, I did have great opportunities to study and learn how to deal with life obstacles – and that is what I did.
I learned about finance, and independence. I know how to manage a house, and how to fix things at it. I learned how to speak, and talk to people (managers/friends/customers/public systems). I learned that “I’m not losing, if I keep standing on my feet after falling” and that there is always a second chance – I should never give up.
I’m sad that I lost friends, love (gf), innocence, sanity (yup), and even more down on the fact that I had to push away my hobbies (parkour, skateboards, surfing, hiking).
BUT , even then, I know I could do these stuff later on, right after I’ll finish my studies, and get a well paid job, perhaps move outside of the coutnry, and gain more money at universal company.
Stay strong, be brave – Jac.
3 comments
It’s good that you have goals you’re working towards, and with that attitude you should be able to get to that place you want to be if you keep at it.
I agree, independence is a good thing, and while mine is somewhat haphazard, I’m still glad to be able to maintain it.
You’ll meet more people in your life, and hopefully be able to connect with some of them on a deeper level. If you can, try to do some of your hobbies at this point, too. Like taking a couple hours to go on a hike. That could help keep you centered and calm some of those side effects, at least a little. I still talk to myself, and just see it as another part of myself.
Good luck
Thank you so much for the advice. I will try to do so. Still, dealing with many other difficulties that I haven’t wrote about, has got me to losing my sanity. Do you believe that it will go away?
The difficulties?
I think there’s always going to end up being some type of problem.
But given the opportunity, people often prove themselves more adaptable and resilient than they usually think is possible. Time may not heal everything, but sometimes it does bring new coping methods that can help. Sometimes people can help, too.
If things do go wrong in someway, or you hit a setback.. don’t automatically think it’s just because of you. Some things just happen even if you give it your all, but it doesn’t mean something else can’t be tried, and it’s not a sign that want you want is impossible.
You are spot on with knowing you can’t change the past. But the past, with bad experiences around certain events, also doesn’t have to stand forever. You can make new memories. And that can make it easier to bear, even if on some level you always carry the past with you.
I don’t think depression is ever going to leave me completely, and I’m never going to be considered normal. I do know it can be managed, at least somewhat. Unfortunately there’s a fair bit based on luck, but chances do at least come.