I always post when I’m having a bad day or going through bad times. Today, I’m posting because my outlook today, this morning as its only 11.30am, isn’t so bad. This could change later on in the day. Right now, I don’t feel horribly depressed. Suicide has only entered my head a couple of times this morning. Also the black cloud that surrounds my mind feels less dense today. The void inside me feels smaller and less consuming and hurts less. I don’t hate myself today. There is some love from me towards myself. I’m calm and at peace with the fact that no one else will love me. Ever. But today it’s OK, because I’m not drowning in that pain like I usually do. To go through life being unloved by oneself and by anyone else isn’t bothering me that much today. Today, I have a some respect for myself and little love as well. I’m coping OK with the fact that I’ll be alone for rest of my life. Any other day would this would have me making plans and fantasising about an exit plan. Today the world has enough distractions to occupy me with. Also the black cloud that surrounds my mind feels less dense today. Oh the black cloud. The black cloud that rules over my life. That stops me from being social, making friends, being positive and optimistic, that has me thinking irrationally, paranoia, schizophrenia, blaming my self for everything, hating the world, provides hopelessness, always making me angry, etc. Some of you here express and describe this black cloud so much better than me. I hope today is the start to recovery of getting better.
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6 comments
That’s good news. I’m glad you could find something to keep you occupied and feel less depressed.
Yes I felt that way for about 3 days this week but it always ends until I am back to wanting to kill myself. It doesn’t matter how I feel though, I have decided on suicide 10 years ago, nothing will change my mind. Not if I become the happiest person in the world.. I would still kill myself. Happiness is just a term that Faggots use anyway.. Most things just reinforce my decision. I.e. My poor neighborhood, my lack of a way to get around, the ghetto children everywhere and their stupid af parents, people’s stupid interests and the way they have to put up a front an air of superiority. And just generally the horror show that is mankind
Wow, 3 days is good. I think the most I’ve had is 2 days but I’m pretty sure it was never the full 48 hours. Before and after sleep is when I feel the pain the most. The disappointment of waking up in the morning usually sets the mood for the rest of the day. At night, lying in bed before sleep and thinking about my life and how unhappy I am with it is usually followed by final prayer to go in sleep that night. The next day I’m disappointed of having woken up. This goes on everyday unless I have a good day. Which are few and far between.
Yeah I wake up to people forcing me to listen to them have intercourse
it used to not happen
It all started when this pasty white disgusting pig of a small girl (fucking fat but 18) forced me to listen to her have inyercourse with the ugliest man I’ve ever seen in my life (skin the color of wet shit or black tar heroin) after I had been asleep and was about to enter R.E.M.
They use me as their audience
He cums in ten seconds and smells like shit
(This wasn’t a dream this was real)
Then I started being molested by family members in my dreams
Then I started being forced to listen to single men beat their meat.
They will wake me up while I am sleeping to force me to listen to them beat their meat and it is fuckinh disgusting and it sounds small
It’s all fucking wet sounding
I’m like LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE
I hate men….. I hate every single man…..
I hate whores….
I hate the sounds of their voices
I fuck around on these websites to dissociate from those nasty fuckers
Umm… yeah and I’ve been out as a lesbian since 13.
I don’t know why men won’t leave me alone, why they force me to listen to them beat their meat when I am alone in my bedroom at night.
I have had sex with a man, no matter the size it would never feel good!!!
I had sex with a woman and it was amazing
I hate men…
Yeah I just said that because that is how I feel about sleeping. During the day I run away from home because as a child my dad would spend all afternoon watching pornography. EVERY DAY. When I wake up I think “great I still live with these fuckinh creeps” which kills me inside.
I vowed to be away from them by 18 or dead. Instead I get molested by pig and black tar fuck and then I have to listen to meat beaters all night. I fucking hate these people and that is pretty much why I have my suicide planned. I hate these people.
Every day since 12 I have spent all day thinking about how I wish I was dead. This isn’t even a few times a day thing. This is all day. I’m so focused on completing this goal. There is no words to explain how much I hate my life.