I thought about it a thousand times and did it once. It was a few years ago. The reason you ask? loneliness. I never told anyone what happened that night, not even my therapist. It DOES sound and feel stupid: I realized I like someone, after all those years of loneliness now there’s actually someone I like. But there was also a problem, what if, that person did not want me? now the pain would double up as if it wasn’t enough already. or the alternative, I told myself imagine you’re in a relationship but would that end every pain of yours? of course not, life’s not a fairytale. When someone comes into your life you must be strong enough to face a whole new class of challenges. Are you strong? no. you’ll loose em. Then there would be loneliness *again* but worse, worse than what it is right now.
Then I thought well, I can not take it anymore. Just solved every damn pill I found in the house in a glass of water (and we had many, sleeping pills, blood sugar control pills….) I don’t remember clearly what happened next I just know I must have called my friend he took me to hospital, they saved me.
I regret it. lesson learned: pills ain’t gonna get the job done. morning to night I’m keep telling myself you should jump off a building or something. Get the fucking courage to do it, and do it.
There are all sort of help for a suicidal person. Do a Google search, a thousand ugly static html page with shitty colors pop up saying hey read this it just gonna take 5 minutes. well, fuck you, I’m not gonna give my 5 minutes to you to read useless shit.
many would say go to therapist. but seriously what can they do? cause more pain? I feel it’s already too late for me. had I done this a few years earlier maybe it would’ve helped but now, (it’s been 2 years I’m seeing a therapist and by few years earlier I mean 10 years actually). when the life sucks and I hate it, it sucks and I’m gonna hate it no matter how much I talk about it. so again what can they do?
talking to other people is all the same. They come to you saying oh no you’ve got us, life’s hard sometimes (no it’s fucking hard always. it’s been fucking hard for years day and night, 24/7 every fucking second). Think positive and shit.
As always I find myself alone asking me, hey, how much longer you’re planning to suffer? are you gonna end it or what? what you hoping for? you fucking scared little piece of shit. But I’ll practice. little by little I’ll overcome this fear and I’ll do it, eventually.
Now, why I’m posting here? I don’t know. is part of me still calling for help? oh please, what help, what could possibly help. who can do possibly anything.
sorry for all the ranting.
wish you all the best.