Last night I crushed up 27 hydros and mixed them in water. While I was doing this my husband was sitting on the couch. His idea of comforting is silently staring at me or giving me the occasional “there, there” pat on the back. His eyes burn when he looks at me. He’s scared of me. Just like everyone else always has been.
I understand. Death is scary. I am someone who invites death. I’ve always been scared of living. I just wish he could be brave enough to talk me back. To look at me like I’m not scary long enough to make me think I have something to stick around for.
He was there, sleeping on the couch soundly, when I cut my thigh open two nights ago. He was there as I was sobbing in bed at 5 o’clock at night. He was there later in the night when I gathered the materials to make that cocktail, silently watching me. He read the text messages I sent asking if he would notice if I died. He was there and that’s all he was.
6 comments
Why won’t you talk to him and tell him what’s going on, instead of sending him all these weird mixed messages. You obviously want to talk to him about your depression but you don’t want to say anything.
And by the way you are not going to die by overdosing on random pills so don’t waste time
What’s mixed about “I want to die”? We’ve been together five years now and I’ve talked plenty. I get the same reassurances that come with taking to anyone else. “I’m sorry. It’ll get better.” Or even worse, shrugging it off and changing the subject.
Also, why bother commenting on anyone’s chosen method to attempt when you can’t offer any better solutions?
Go get some professional help. You are the right candidate for it
John, I understand that you might mean well, but there are better ways to word that…
And pirate, I’m sure he does notice, and is doing his best to comfort you. I concede that it sounds like he’s doing a poor job, but he might not know a better way to help. I can’t tell you what to do, or how to live your life, but I am you to consider the possibility that you might be looking at him from the wrong perspective. Best of luck, regardless.
He still was there. Depression sucks and depressed, especially suicidal, people suck even more. I would know, I’m one of them. You can easily crush your loved ones just by showing them an ounce of your pain.
The question is: what do you expect him to do? What do you want him to do? He’s no god, he hurts with you too. Fear? About you, about himself, about that life.
Sad truth but the only person that can talk you back from this is you yourself.
Did you take the cocktail – are you still here?