I genuinely don’t want to be here

  October 31st, 2017 by ImNotGoodEnough

I know my life isn’t nearly as bad as many other people’s lives and I’m lucky for a lot of what I have. I have a family that loves me (parents and siblings, I have no significant other or children or anything of that nature), I’m at a decent college, and I’ve been told I’m reasonably easy on the eyes. That said, I hate being alive. I won’t be edgy and says there’s nothing I enjoy doing, but it all feels superficial and meaningless, nothing makes me feel whole inside anymore. It’s gotten to a point where I don’t even have to be actively sad to want to die, I’m just suicidal, even when not actively depressed. It’s like I’m numbly empty. I joke and laugh and smile with my few friends, all while in my head plotting and formulating plans for my own demise, I can’t even process my own emotions anymore. A good friend of mine killed himself on Saturday, I’ve already lost all emotion regarding his death. It’s like I’m completely hollow inside, even losing a friend only slightly reached what little remains of my spirit. I know I’m supposed to hold strong and not bring this kind of pain upon my family, but I want to do it so much. I’m too tired to go on much longer, everybody expects more of me than I have to give, and it’s not that they’re asking a lot, I’m just a pathetically weak person, even when I try to turn myself around I inevitably get screwed over by something outside of my control, get flung back down the slippery slope of depression, and revert to my pitiful self. My incompetence means I’ll most likely end up being a useless burden on whoever’s stuck with me, and as my soul becomes more and more hollow, I can’t even offer to be a loving emotional support. People tell me things like “I believe in you” and “you’ll go much further than this”, but the thing is I don’t want to, what I really want at this point is for someone to look at me, smile, and say “you’ve done enough, don’t worry, you can sleep now” and let me die.

Edit: Nevermind, the means of getting the alcohol has bailed on me, which means I no longer have a way to knock myself out and the likelihood of success goes from unlikely to as likely as the moon crashing into the earth today. No point in trying it until I can find a reliable means.

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