I know my life isn’t nearly as bad as many other people’s lives and I’m lucky for a lot of what I have. I have a family that loves me (parents and siblings, I have no significant other or children or anything of that nature), I’m at a decent college, and I’ve been told I’m reasonably easy on the eyes. That said, I hate being alive. I won’t be edgy and says there’s nothing I enjoy doing, but it all feels superficial and meaningless, nothing makes me feel whole inside anymore. It’s gotten to a point where I don’t even have to be actively sad to want to die, I’m just suicidal, even when not actively depressed. It’s like I’m numbly empty. I joke and laugh and smile with my few friends, all while in my head plotting and formulating plans for my own demise, I can’t even process my own emotions anymore. A good friend of mine killed himself on Saturday, I’ve already lost all emotion regarding his death. It’s like I’m completely hollow inside, even losing a friend only slightly reached what little remains of my spirit. I know I’m supposed to hold strong and not bring this kind of pain upon my family, but I want to do it so much. I’m too tired to go on much longer, everybody expects more of me than I have to give, and it’s not that they’re asking a lot, I’m just a pathetically weak person, even when I try to turn myself around I inevitably get screwed over by something outside of my control, get flung back down the slippery slope of depression, and revert to my pitiful self. My incompetence means I’ll most likely end up being a useless burden on whoever’s stuck with me, and as my soul becomes more and more hollow, I can’t even offer to be a loving emotional support. People tell me things like “I believe in you” and “you’ll go much further than this”, but the thing is I don’t want to, what I really want at this point is for someone to look at me, smile, and say “you’ve done enough, don’t worry, you can sleep now” and let me die.
Edit: Nevermind, the means of getting the alcohol has bailed on me, which means I no longer have a way to knock myself out and the likelihood of success goes from unlikely to as likely as the moon crashing into the earth today. No point in trying it until I can find a reliable means.
6 comments
What you’ve written reminds me a lot of a guy from my class. Well, technically I’m not from his class anymore, as I just left college again, but it doesn’t matter.
I don’t really now if he feels so bad as to want to kill himself, but I can feel that he’s under a lot of pressure. It’s like he’s there only because that’s what their parents and their friends expect from him, and during classes I notice that it’s only his body there, he’s mind is in a totally different place. He talks to people, he goes to the group activities, but it’s clear to me that everything is a burden to him, that none of that is important to him and that he just wants to be left alone.
Perhaps, despite of what you think, there is someone who notice these things about you, as I notice about this guy from my class…
But well, if you’re ready to kill yourself, have you thought about telling evryone to fuck off and trying doing something completely different frlm what you’re doing now? Having some other kind of life that would make you feel motivated?
It’s worth giving it a shot 😉
I have, but the problem is I’ve already done that multiple times in my life, and for a time it works, but eventually it all comes back to you. It’s like being wrapped in chains, forcefully breaking free, only for the chains to regenerate after like 30 minutes. I’ve tried everything I could conceivably do to be happy, like I do want to be happy but it doesn’t seem like I can, nothing fulfills me anymore. I don’t think anyone has noticed me, when I came to college I was outgoing and spoke to a lot of people, but as people fell more into groups and stuff, people stopped acknowledging me, they ignored me, and eventually all but my closest friends stopped acting like I even existed anymore. I’ve tried reaching out many times, but people just forget I exist as soon as I walk away, I think I’m just not memorable enough of a person, or maybe they can sense that I’m not complete, not worth their time.
Hope you get your never ending peace, Goodluck.
Thank you, I appreciate it. Realistically speaking the likelihood of this attempt being successful is pitifully low, but it’s the only hope I have with how few options I have available. I just hope I don’t forget my goal while intoxicated and miss my chance.
If you’re gonna do it, please be careful with the probability of success. Depending on what you’re trying to do, if you fail you may end up losing your ability to try again in the future — worst than wanting to kill yourself, is wanting to kill yourself and being in a state where you couldn’t do it alone.
Hey I failed killing myself a couple of times, we learn from our mistakes I guess so it never stopped me from trying.