I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection recently, maybe it’s the short psychology course I took. Here’s what i realized:
I expect the worst from people. In my head, they’ll leave me as soon as I make a mistake, or become an inconvenience or simply cease being useful. So I wear a mask, of a nice and happy girl. I smile and I laugh at things that aren’t funny. I jump at the opportunity to help out, I never argue or oppose decisions, I never show anger or disappointment. It’s not like I want to be this way, it’s not a conscious decision. I don’t know if it’s because I cast myself in a bad light, or the people around me.
When I was little, my parents used to fight a lot, and my dad would always threaten to leave us. I remember I was terrified of this. One time, he almost did. Started packing his bags and everything, and I remember being frantic, begging him to stay and making all those promises… I’ll listen, I’ll be good, I won’t argue. Mom won’t either. We’ll be good, I promise, just don’t go… Maybe that’s why. Maybe growing up, I felt like his love had these conditions, that I had to be good enough, I had to get good grades and behave and eat my meals, or he’d leave or he’d hurt me, or he’d yell. Maybe that’s why I feel that people are horrible and selfish and they say they care but they don’t, not unless they need you. So I need to be needed.
God, I make him sound like a monster. He’s not. There were bad times, but there were also good ones and… I don’t know how to explain this in a way that makes sense, but that’s what makes it all the more frustrating. I hate him, but I also love him and I feel like he deserves both.
A guy called me innocent, that’s what prompted this. Because I’m not. If he could see the things in my head, the awful, horrible things that I’ve considered and attempted and imagined… But he can’t, because I don’t show that to people, how can I, when they’d only leave?
I have this friend, I’ve known her for about five years now, and I’m only now beginning to realize she isn’t going anywhere, and I’m only now letting tiny bits of that mask drop around her. How messed up is that?
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On your friend of five years: It’s not that messed up. To me, anyway. I consider this guy who lives across the country and who I’ve met only once in person to be my best friend. I’ve told him things I couldn’t ever bring myself to tell my friends who I’ve known since elementary school. Sometimes it’s just easier with some people than others.
Do you believe you’d scare this person away if you dropped your mask completely? Because I know I would with my friends.
Honestly, I believe I’d scare anyone away. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m not really completely honest with anyone, except for when I’m on this site. It’s nice that you have someone you feel you can count on.
Do you mind my asking on what is it that you think is wrong with you specifically? What do you do or think or say that would scare people?
You know, it’s not really a conscious thing, I feel that people will leave just because I do something wrong or have a fight with them. I know, logically, that that’s foolish, but I can’t help it. Then there are the other things… The suicidal thing, self hate, self harm, my sexual preferences, and those things that I can’t bring myself to say even here… basically I get those violent thoughts sometimes, that I am ashamed of, and at one point in my life I almost acted on them.
I just don’t see how anyone could look past that…
Have you talked to someone who feels some of those things too?
No
Would you want to?
I’d like to try, yes. But talking to people doesn’t come easy to me most of the time.
Me neither. The internet helps. 🙂
Yeah, I studied psychology too, and you wanna know what i’ve learned? People are only there for if they can benefit from you, but the minute you lose that “thing” that attracted them to you, you’re done for.
This friend you have, sees something inside of you that she appreciates, maybe it’s something that won’t ever leave, so perhaps she’ll stay till the end. However the whole game of being “enough” to someone is total non-sense.
You’re the only one who knows your entire story. You’re the only one who you can rely on when times are tough, so why do you care what these people think about you? You’re the main character in your life, and you should respect that, everyone leaves but you will remain till the beginning to the end. So everyone else who has done you wrong in your past can go f*** themselves, they’re simply a character upon thousands and wether they’re good or bad…don’t allow them to have a negative impact on you, you’re worth more then that
Thank you, I do try to tell myself that, and to not care as much about other people’s opinions of me, except I always do anyway. My life would be a lot easier if I just didn’t give a damn, instead I’m always freaking out about the smallest things or mistakes, you know? Even right now, I’m feeling disappointed in myself for being too quiet and acting weird at this gathering earlier… In my head, they hate me now, and won’t ever spend time with me again, and are probably sitting around now discussing how weird I am… I don’t know why I do this to myself… But yeah, thank you for saying that.
Once again I relate to you.
Thank you, I’m glad to hear that, even though I feel sorry that you feel that, because it’s horrible.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with assuming the worst about people. It’s a fair assumption to make, and certainly safer then assuming the best.
Like hurrdurr said, it’s exhausting. I’m always worried I’m gonna do something that will make people hate me, so I end up pushing them away myself. I care a lot about what people think of me, even though I try not to. And that makes me miserable.
It is not “wrong” but if you do at sone point you get tired of living in defensive state