I need to be needed, otherwise I think people will leave…

October 13th, 2017by PurpleK

I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection recently, maybe it’s the short psychology course I took. Here’s what i realized:

I expect the worst from people. In my head, they’ll leave me as soon as I make a mistake, or become an inconvenience or simply cease being useful. So I wear a mask, of a nice and happy girl. I smile and I laugh at things that aren’t funny. I jump at the opportunity to help out, I never argue or oppose decisions, I never show anger or disappointment. It’s not like I want to be this way, it’s not a conscious decision. I don’t know if it’s because I cast myself in a bad light, or the people around me.

When I was little, my parents used to fight a lot, and my dad would always threaten to leave us. I remember I was terrified of this. One time, he almost did. Started packing his bags and everything, and I remember being frantic, begging him to stay and making all those promises… I’ll listen, I’ll be good, I won’t argue. Mom won’t either. We’ll be good, I promise, just don’t go… Maybe that’s why. Maybe growing up, I felt like his love had these conditions, that I had to be good enough, I had to get good grades and behave and eat my meals, or he’d leave or he’d hurt me, or he’d yell. Maybe that’s why I feel that people are horrible and selfish and they say they care but they don’t, not unless they need you. So I need to be needed.

God, I make him sound like a monster. He’s not. There were bad times, but there were also good ones and… I don’t know how to explain this in a way that makes sense, but that’s what makes it all the more frustrating. I hate him, but I also love him and I feel like he deserves both.

A guy called me innocent, that’s what prompted this. Because I’m not. If he could see the things in my head, the awful, horrible things that I’ve considered and attempted and imagined… But he can’t, because I don’t show that to people, how can I, when they’d only leave?

I have this friend, I’ve known her for about five years now, and I’m only now beginning to realize she isn’t going anywhere, and I’m only now letting tiny bits of that mask drop around her. How messed up is that?

Processing your request, Please wait....