Off the hook (addiction)

October 9th, 2017by Urm8451n

TLDR : addiction sign, lack of friendships and lost conflict.

Today I did really good. I deactivated my Facebook account and I’m really close to stop spending useless time on whatsapp.

For those of you who don’t know,  due to suffering and lack of friends… and probably fucked up parents,  life failures, crapy job, broken heart and etc…  I started to develop signs of addiction.

Im taking Ritalin for studying (ADHD)  and each time it hits me, I feel really good, like I’m focusing on the high I get from it.

I also took lately mid-strong pain killers for my stomach ache and I started getting high on it. I felt how badly I liked the feelings of “not feeling”..  of not giving a shit about her… or not thinking about if my best friend did something with my ex.

When I’m high, I don’t even care about not having a father, or where am I, or what am I doing.

I like it.

but…… It’s all I’ve got, can you understand that?

I never thought I would get so damaged.

All my friendships are lost,  I have few left but they are not interesting and they don’t consider me as a friend but more like a plan C to go out with.

I lost all hope for people. and I pass my time with studying/helping mom/ workout / work.  and when I have spare time I just watch the same cartoon over and over  (I usually shift between South Park, American dad, Rick and morty, Futurama)

as if the cartoon characters are my way out of here.

I’m intelligent, and I had lots of friends back 2 years ago. I had good time with girls, and was really social active….

And now .. all I have is pain killers and freaking cartoons.

It’s hard,  can you understand that?

I’m actually doing things for myself,  I’m studying a degree that would get me anywhere and will allow me spare time with friends that I’ll find some when..

but until then it feels like surviving hell.

 

guys, I think.. I’m actually breaking down.

 

any way, stay strong  and be brave

yours Jac

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