the end of the line…

I am at the end of the line. Tried everything I can possibly try. I am done. I just can’t do this anymore.

I’ve been getting some help from a crisis centre and they all keep trying to encourage me by saying how brave I am. How brave it was to move across the country all alone for a job. How brave it was to keep going to the job even though it wasn’t what I thought it would be. How brave it was to call for help instead of enacting my suicide plan.

I don’t blame them for telling me this. It is a very pragmatic thing to tell someone in crisis, “hey you are brave and strong and you can get through this”.

Except that getting through the crisis has been the story of my life so far. I’ve been through many of them. And yes, I got through them all and I’m still here.

But isn’t the whole point of surviving the crisis to get to something better? All I have ever managed to get to is a short period of lukewarm mediocrity followed by another crisis.

If I believed that things could actually get better, I might be able to find the strength to keep fighting. But my strength is dwindling and I cannot summon any strength to fight for a life I hate. A life that has brought me unyielding pain.

I have tried many things to change my life, including a recent career change. None of it has worked. This last change was somewhat of a Hail Mary…one last thing to try before giving up…

I’m sad it didn’t work but at least I tried. I just hope when the time comes that I will be able to override the survival instinct and do a clean job.