I’d normally try, as per my previous posts, to communicate using clever rhymes and witty phrasing, but that is not my today.
Today is one of the few of my last days on earth. It ends next Tuesday. I need to finish my work week first, so no one will notice I’m gone. I’ll have my things packed, my will is now finished. My note is mostly written. Im ready.
The strange part is, I’m numb. I’m not scared, but I’m not depressed anymore. I know there’s a finish line now, and that is the most empowering epiphany I’ve come to in months. I don’t have to try anymore. I don’t have to care anymore. I don’t have to stress about my future, because I don’t have one anymore. I don’t have to care because treatments aren’t working, I don’t have to keep apologising to friends for how rubbish I am. And I don’t have to try and explain this anymore to anyone.
I have one week. I wish I could spend it doing things I loved, but I just don’t have time. I think the fact that my entire last week of life will be spent working is fitting. Funerals are expensive. That can pay for it.
I’ll soend Tuesday saying quiet, innocent goodbyes. I’ll ride a horse, I’ll say a very dear goodbye to my dog, then I’m gone.
Fuck this life. My existence is done. I hope there’s no next life, because I don’t want it. I just want nothing. Afterwall, I was nothing.
It’s been real x
6 comments
i would love to watch your clever goodbye to the dog , if i stay alive 🙂
Well, peace to you then. You sound resolved. I hope for the best for you.
It’s sad that for so many (all?) Of us that it comes to this to find our sense of zen and acceptance.
Good luck with whatever
I understand and am in the same position. Best wishes.
Good luck and peace to you. There is a type of relief knowing that the never ending suffering of this life will end. Everything becomes trivial once that realisation hits.
Please, fight. Don’t let it defeat you. Please STAY. If it never gets better then at least you battled regardless of what the unempathic had to say. But, please don’t do it. I live daily in A LOT of agony of what would have been if I were successful. I can’t forgive myself for it. But I’m glad I didn’t do it. Life is or can be worth living. Please don’t let it go. Fight for the gift we call the present.