I’d normally try, as per my previous posts, to communicate using clever rhymes and witty phrasing, but that is not my today.
Today is one of the few of my last days on earth. It ends next Tuesday. I need to finish my work week first, so no one will notice I’m gone. I’ll have my things packed, my will is now finished. My note is mostly written. Im ready.
The strange part is, I’m numb. I’m not scared, but I’m not depressed anymore. I know there’s a finish line now, and that is the most empowering epiphany I’ve come to in months. I don’t have to try anymore. I don’t have to care anymore. I don’t have to stress about my future, because I don’t have one anymore. I don’t have to care because treatments aren’t working, I don’t have to keep apologising to friends for how rubbish I am. And I don’t have to try and explain this anymore to anyone.
I have one week. I wish I could spend it doing things I loved, but I just don’t have time. I think the fact that my entire last week of life will be spent working is fitting. Funerals are expensive. That can pay for it.
I’ll soend Tuesday saying quiet, innocent goodbyes. I’ll ride a horse, I’ll say a very dear goodbye to my dog, then I’m gone.
Fuck this life. My existence is done. I hope there’s no next life, because I don’t want it. I just want nothing. Afterwall, I was nothing.
It’s been real x