So I’m the girl who is always happy, laughing. I’m the girl who helps others, nice to everyone and is in every school activity. I’m also the girl who gets ignored, left out, not given a damn opportunity even though I try my best. Maybe they do it unintentionally, but it hurts all the same. I don’t want to third wheel anymore, I want to be remembered; I’m tired of being left and then two hours later they finally remember me. It would be nice if just once I could be included. I’m bad at communication and it is partially my fault but I don’t know what else to do. I invited everyone to have a game night; just a night to include everyone and have fun. Only 2 people out 6 showed up. They had known about it for 2 months but suddenly they all simultaneously had plans that night, and they were all conveniently together. It might hurt a bit if they said they didn’t want to go, but it hurts so much more to know that they just don’t like you or don’t want to go. I try and try but it is ironic because the harder I try the harder I fail. I’m in every activity and get straight A’s, but when opportunities arise to advance somebody or give somebody an academic award/opportunity, guess who gets it? The people who are failing half their classes, but they are rich and popular and in my stupid small town, that is all that matters. Am I jealous? All the way. It would be nice if just once I could be rewarded for my efforts with more than just a glance. My mom doesn’t give a shit about what I do, we talk about once a day and it is normally about her work. If I even complain she just says,” Suck it up” or “You are fine.” I just want somebody to listen and not dismiss like I’m not good enough for them or their time. Am I not? I’m always ignored so probably. Nobody listens to me and I want to run away so bad. Thing is, with what funds? What plans? No buses run in my area so that is out of the question. And if I am caught, that will be even worse. I tried to run away once when I was younger and it did not turn out too well. I want to be free. I notice I have said “I want” numerous times. I don’t know how to put these things into action. We can barely afford groceries, let alone have enough money for me to steal some and ride away on a bus to who knows where. Preferably Maine.
Another thing is my anxiety. I’m pretty much 24/7 on the verge of a panic or anxiety attack. There is this consistent weight on my chest that feels as if it is going to crush me. I thought it was normal for a while, but turns out it is anxiety. It has slowly gotten worse through the years. It started off with about one or two a year, but now it is one or two a week.
With everything said above it is hard to keep my head above water. I just want it all to end. I’m scared though. Who isn’t afraid of death? It is one of the only things that rule our world. That and the tragedy of the human condition. I’ve come close to cutting but the fear of if I don’t succeed drown out the thoughts to complete the act. The scarring would cause the anxiety to be worse and I already have enough acne and acne scars to cover that. Overdosing seems to be the best way. If you get the right combination over the right period of time, it seems to be pretty painless. Unless you fail. Apparently getting your stomach pumped is extremely painful and so is liver failure. My area has a serious drug problem so if I could figure out how to get heroin or meth or something, I’ve heard it doesn’t take much of that to do it. However, Tylenol and Advil over a couple of hours may do it. Come to think of it, my mom may have some.
I know it may get better. But at the same time, isn’t life just one big cycle? When we grow up, the system is still the same. The rich and popular get what they need and the poor and maybe not as good at socializing is left to fend for themselves. We are taught history to not make the same mistakes, but history always seems to repeat itself does it not? Everybody is different but the same. The same disaster told in different ways from different perspectives. It goes in circles if you think about it too much. Ah, the tragedy of humanity.