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by oof46

So I’m the girl who is always happy, laughing. I’m the girl who helps others, nice to everyone and is in every school activity. I’m also the girl who gets ignored, left out, not given a damn opportunity even though I try my best. Maybe they do it unintentionally, but it hurts all the same. I don’t want to third wheel anymore, I want to be remembered; I’m tired of being left and then two hours later they finally remember me. It would be nice if just once I could be included. I’m bad at communication and it is partially my fault but I don’t know what else to do. I invited everyone to have a game night; just a night to include everyone and have fun. Only 2 people out 6 showed up. They had known about it for 2 months but suddenly they all simultaneously had plans that night, and they were all conveniently together. It might hurt a bit if they said they didn’t want to go, but it hurts so much more to know that they just don’t like you or don’t want to go. I try and try but it is ironic because the harder I try the harder I fail. I’m in every activity and get straight A’s, but when opportunities arise to advance somebody or give somebody an academic award/opportunity, guess who gets it? The people who are failing half their classes, but they are rich and popular and in my stupid small town, that is all that matters. Am I jealous? All the way. It would be nice if just once I could be rewarded for my efforts with more than just a glance. My mom doesn’t give a shit about what I do, we talk about once a day and it is normally about her work. If I even complain she just says,” Suck it up” or “You are fine.” I just want somebody to listen and not dismiss like I’m not good enough for them or their time. Am I not? I’m always ignored so probably. Nobody listens to me and I want to run away so bad. Thing is, with what funds? What plans? No buses run in my area so that is out of the question. And if I am caught, that will be even worse. I tried to run away once when I was younger and it did not turn out too well. I want to be free. I notice I have said “I want” numerous times. I don’t know how to put these things into action. We can barely afford groceries, let alone have enough money for me to steal some and ride away on a bus to who knows where. Preferably Maine.

Another thing is my anxiety. I’m pretty much 24/7 on the verge of a panic or anxiety attack. There is this consistent weight on my chest that feels as if it is going to crush me. I thought it was normal for a while, but turns out it is anxiety. It has slowly gotten worse through the years. It started off with about one or two a year, but now it is one or two a week.

With everything said above it is hard to keep my head above water. I just want it all to end. I’m scared though. Who isn’t afraid of death? It is one of the only things that rule our world. That and the tragedy of the human condition. I’ve come close to cutting but the fear of if I don’t succeed drown out the thoughts to complete the act. The scarring would cause the anxiety to be worse and I already have enough acne and acne scars to cover that. Overdosing seems to be the best way. If you get the right combination over the right period of time, it seems to be pretty painless. Unless you fail. Apparently getting your stomach pumped is extremely painful and so is liver failure. My area has a serious drug problem so if I could figure out how to get heroin or meth or something, I’ve heard it doesn’t take much of that to do it. However,  Tylenol and Advil over a couple of hours may do it. Come to think of it, my mom may have some.

I know it may get better. But at the same time, isn’t life just one big cycle? When we grow up, the system is still the same. The rich and popular get what they need and the poor and maybe not as good at socializing is left to fend for themselves. We are taught history to not make the same mistakes, but history always seems to repeat itself does it not? Everybody is different but the same. The same disaster told in different ways from different perspectives. It goes in circles if you think about it too much. Ah, the tragedy of humanity.

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Bisban 11/18/2017 - 3:12 am

I guess if I were more wise than I would be liberated.
But already knowing means that you are already it.
Let’s sing about it, is more like singing about you.
I’m just this stranger lost in a suit, and… the matrix.. or something
I’ve got my other breakthroughs to achieve
And perhaps, with Goliath, to the death.
Which is life, the strife, but trust me you don’t want to hear that..

Bisban 11/18/2017 - 3:37 am

I need a lot of healing. And somehow alone. Pilgrimage.
Peace, hell, agony-x, I’m the Buddhist in some form of karma
Rhymes with dilemma, I got stuck on some fine molasses
inside my mind like an arcade game… is all that left
and something that I sometimes forget about, seemingly which
debilitated in some form of, I’ve tried to truly describe it once
but had sounded like… hell. Because that’s what it was,
even the most worst things which mattered the most.

spectralgiraffe 11/18/2017 - 3:57 am

are you high 😛

Bisban 11/18/2017 - 4:10 am

I believe, I am beyond something which is so. =b
I’m just really being poetic.. =|
; {|

sadlife958 11/18/2017 - 3:40 am

From the time when my father was alive we were wealthy my dad passed from cancer when I was 17 with serious debts left & right but before that even if we were stable I was one of the biggest losers at school it wasn’t my fault but you know how it is you just become bullied and a social Outcast. When I saw how much I had to deal with espically my mom who I don’t speak to anymore I’m 26 now it’s all money money money. I was 18 when I first overdosed on Tylenol I took 60 Tylenols and 60 motrins. 10 hrs in I was falling with nausea it was a disaster state I felt like I was suffocating. I remember my greedy mother seeing me on the couch & she’s like “what’s wrong?” I just scream what do you think? “I just want to die I took Tylenol I’m done with everything and endless bullshit that you guys force me to do clean up after your mess what I can’t even find a room or time to make something to do something for my future” I remember I had visitors come at the same moment and my mom starts crying and stuff. than my older sister out of nowhere comes charging & attacking me because I overdosed. so with little energy and patience that I had left I got up and threw her to the wall. the visitors that came stopped me. Anyways when I got to the hospital I was there for about a week it was horrible I’ll tell you that painful pumping someone’s stomach then the doctor told me that it takes about 72 hours for it to be lethal I was like “72 hour?” Geez that’s a long time to be hidden away from everyone. And I remember right outside my door a few doctors or chatting and ask what is this boy doing in here and one of the doctors go all he overdosed on Tylenol and the doctor shakes his head and says “that’s so stupid” I didn’t say anything I just pretend that I didn’t hear it because I didn’t want to get into anymore trouble and to be strained since I was under suicide watch although I regret not throwing something at him trying to act like it’s all cool and easy for him looking down upon People Like Us.

BTW just tryna help Running away young is dangerous I read a disturbing story last year of a 13 year old who ran away and was found by a stranger in a bus station & later given a ride by a 50 year old crazy what he did & what people are capable of.

Anyways Today I am more patient more Collective I am more calm very very quiet I’m nothing like when I was 18 the only improvement about me from when I was 18 is that my pain has gotten worse with more add-ons more realization about my loneliness, people in my family & being single for all my life. but my good heart has always been the same.

I like most of the things that you wrote on this post. Thats probably why I spent the time to write this. you are very intelligent God bless you

sadlife958 11/18/2017 - 3:42 am

I got so many flashbacks typing this I had no idea that it was this long

Bisban 11/18/2017 - 3:42 am

The last part of your post was interesting, the part where you were somehow getting politic about… the base which would be the system, now… what would that even be? Becomes in this age… the question. Although, not all things are bad. The truth was always something which was kept hidden, but maybe I could use it to shine a way, into from which really has happen. I need to divide the trash much better..

PimpSlayer 11/18/2017 - 5:02 am

If you can wait you’ll be someone’s first and only choice that they can’t imagine living without.

muspelhem 11/18/2017 - 7:03 am

I’m a guy in my thirties, but can relate to your post.

I would tentatively recommend Robert Glover’s book No More Mr Nice Guy – even though you’re a girl.

Otherwise, maybe this online course:
coursera.org/learn/wharton-communication-skills

muspelhem 11/18/2017 - 7:04 am

Also: Please don’t harm yourself. Take care of yourself. You sound great.

Timel3ssDecay 11/18/2017 - 8:52 am

I can totally relate and I am yet to find a satisfying explanation to this:

“I’m the girl who helps others, nice to everyone and is in every school activity. I’m also the girl who gets ignored, left out, not given a damn opportunity even though I try my best. Maybe they do it unintentionally, but it hurts all the same.”

I am a guy and the same happens to me.

When I am really struggling and REALLY need help, nobody wants to help me. Absolutely nobody.
But when I am doing fine on my own, people come to me for help or want to take credit for my accomplishments.

people seem to get some sort of sick twisted pleasure in denying me help when I need it the most but act like I am obligated to help them when they are in need.

MyThoughts 11/18/2017 - 3:47 pm

If you are scared of death, than you are not ready to die.

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