The last time I wrote on this forum I was 17 and in a few months I will be 25. I promise this will be written better than my original posting. Back then I was a prisoner of my household where I lived with my half brothers, their father, and my mother. As an adult I’ve met many people that wish they could go back to their childhood, adolescense and I am not one of them. Growing up was a living hell in my house. I know there are others that have gone through much worse, but my upbringing was my own personal nightmare. I don’t want to bore anyone with my rambling like my original posting so I’ll get to the point.
I’ve suffered from depression since I was a little girl. I want to say around 5 or 6 is when I started to feel differently. I didn’t understand for a long time what I was experiencing was called depression. My first suicide attempt was around 8 when I tried to suffocate myself with my blanky. Most of my problems stem from my mother and her husband. She had me when she was 15 and my father left her before I was born. The few memories of him I do have he didn’t want anything to do with me most of the time. When I was 5 he was arrested and deported for committing 3 felonies which included kidnapping and abandoning me.
My mom eventually met the father of my half brothers whom swept her away to Long Island along with me. This also happened when I was 5. Life got much worse after moving away with him into our new home. This is when my mom began abusing me which lasted all the way up to when I was 17. Not just for me, but for them as well as they loved to fight with each other. I’ve seen my mom bleed because of him and she broke her foot because of him pushing her. I endured my abuse for 12 years and I have days to this day where I still feel like a prisoner. My mom would purposely go out of her way to beat me as hard as she could. He would hold me down sometimes so I couldn’t move. I’ve bleed, been covered in bruises, blood clots, and have had my hair fall out from her pulling it out. She’s shoved me down the stairs and has told me more than once I would end up a loser like my father. I got that one from both of them. She’s even told me to kill myself. There is so much more, but I can’t possibly write it out without it being an essay.
I didn’t know what happiness was or what a real family was like. I would run away to my grandparents every chance I could get. I had nothing else besides my family in Jersey that I never saw and my cartoons. I don’t have any childhood friends because they would always move. Even when we were somewhere long enough I wasn’t allowed to see my friends outside of school. School was also terrible because I was constantly bullied for looking different, students and staff were racist towards me. It just seems like everything was always a struggle back then.
As an adult I got away from my mother and her husband, but then I faced new challenges. I would still take adulthood over back then, but my depression continues to linger after all these years. Its been nearly 20 years of me suffering. It’s not as bad as it was back then, but I do have meltdowns occasionally that bring me to near death. I’ve had a few traumatizing relationships as well, but I’ve been in a healthy relationship with my current bf for the past year. He’s very supportive of me and understands why I can get very emotional at times. I have a nice apartment, a decent job, a loving bf, and a bright future yet things still feel pointless.
I’ve tried mending my relationship with my family, but we had a falling out again. I learned while on vacation visiting them they were telling my little brother if he didn’t listen to them that he would end up a loser like me. I was so angry and confronted them after I was done crying. It was mainly her husband that said it, but she didn’t defend me and was actually defending him. Calling me a miserable, ungrateful *****, claiming all I do is complain, etc. She even threatened to call the cops on me because I was trying to confront her. I wasn’t being aggressive at all and I didn’t deserve the threats which was exactly what she use to do when I was a minor. Except now I am a woman and I can leave freely so I immediately backed off because I saw how psycho she was getting. I told her she hasn’t changed and sure enough she told us to pack our things (which were already packed) so she could take us to the airport. She purposely stranded us at the most expensive airport. I say us because my boyfriend came along to meet my family for the first time. It’s safe to say he doesn’t like my mom or her husband. The best part is my mom has cheated on her husband with a now drug addict yet she still choose him over me. She must think I’m actual scum.
No matter how old I get I can’t seem to free myself of my past. Maybe not enough healing has happened yet despite it feeling like it’s been forever. I get flashbacks all the time of my past and it really brings me down like today. I’ve had to miss work or normal activities I usually enjoy because my depression gets the better of me. I’ve already tried medication and therapy. I need to let go of these shackles or else I’m afraid I will actually have a successful suicide attempt.
4 comments
Please accept this welcome back.
“No matter how old I get I can’t seem to free myself of my past. Maybe not enough healing has happened yet despite it feeling like it’s been forever. I get flashbacks all the time of my past…”
You’re 25. I’m 60. It took about a year of therapy with a therapist that I can really work with before the flashbacks stopped. That was about two years ago. This therapist is gold. I went through about 8 of them to find her.
Even to this day I am wrestling with freeing myself from the past and still don’t know if I can or not. I apologize for not reading portions of your post, but that was because it was a past worse than mine.
Read your story all of it which is quite rare of me usually I skim. Anyways I’m 26 and I was at the age of 17 when I first attempted suicide I don’t regret it. Anyways reading your story you decently had a rough past. Your mom was 20 when you were 5 and your mom was your age right now when you were 10. 10 is hard to live by if you have bad childhood memory’s. my memorys of my childhood started at 3 and a half. Anyways my heart goes out to you. I hope your life gets better especially when you have a supportive bf. Hang in there best thing is you don’t live in that environment anymore.
Don’t let your past ruin your future. You’ve got your chance, girl. All you can do is to live your life to the fullest. Those who mistreated you should have no place in your heart. Sure, easier said than done but you are a worthwhile human being. Don’t let your shitty family ruin you. It’s not your fault that they showed you the most horrible part of the world and life. It’s pathological. It’s not how it should be. You can build your own loving world.
“Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination”
It’s terrible when to look back and realize that you’re still stuck.
Since I was a teenager, I would listen to this song and be afraid that one day I would be 25 and would still be unhappy looking for a destination. Year by year, it felt more and more like a premonition, until it finally became a reality.
The worst though was seeing the song repeatedly applying itself way past twenty five years.