I’m sorry

I cant talk to anyone because if I tell them he died they’ll just laugh at me and brush it off as nothing. I can’t tell my “friends” because they’re not my friends. So I’ll just post it here, because I really can’t talk to anyone about this. I’ll put this under the “Rants” tag don’t worry. And this will be really long, I’m so sorry

People told me he would die, and my first reaction was “oh well, we’re all gonna die eventually someday, I bet it won’t be that bad”. Oh how foolish of me. This was around August I think. I kinda hated them for telling me, but I was also kinda grateful, because if they didn’t and I was caught by surprise with the news, I would be completely destroyed right now. I wouldn’t be able to even write this, I would be crying and screaming non-stop.

I got to see him and know him better, and I loved him so much. Not in a romantic way, I just appreciated him as a whole. People told me he was a traitor and evil, but I didn’t believe them. I knew he was going to turn against us eventually, but I was fine with the idea. I didn’t want that moment to come, but I didn’t resent the idea either.

I eventually grew scared of the idea of him dying. I knew it was inevitable, so I prepared my heart and mind to be ready for the day. I tried to get used to the idea, to be more familiar with it. Also, at times, I just completely ignored the idea just so I could see him again without feeling the pain of the inevitable. And I was happy, he was happy, everyone was happy. It was like a dream.

I saw his treason, but I didn’t mind that much because I knew it wasn’t his fault. I suspected it wasn’t his fault, because people gave me some small hints of his motives, and I didn’t blame him. But I didn’t know the full story until now.

Today, they fought with him. He was desperate, he tried everything, even hurting himself so he could get the upper hand. It was terrifying to watch, I was so worried about him, I wanted him to stop, to talk with them more, to please stop because I love him so much. But he was not listening, he was more and more desperate. I was so worried. They tried what they could, but I wish they could have done more.

But at the end they’re good people. They tried to make him come back to his senses. He was so hurt, I just wanted to run and hug him and take him away from the situation. But at the end, our worst enemy is ourselves.

I wish they didn’t left him alone, I wish they picked him up and ran away. But they didn’t know he would do that. I wish he didn’t do that. He was smiling in the end, knowing that in the end he did the right thing to do. They tried to open the door, and god I was so grateful for that, it meant they didn’t hate him. The panic was consuming me. Then there was silence.

And my tears started to drop, and they haven’t stop until now.

Open the goddamn door! We can save you! We’re strong enough! Please open the door. I love you, please. I want to save you.

He made him promise something, and I cried even harder. You don’t deserve anything of this, you deserve way better. You’re a beautiful person who has made mistakes, yes, but you made them because you were scared and alone. Why can’t I do anything? Please let me in.

There are some who claim you might not be dead because nobody saw your corpse, and it kind of makes me feel better but at the same time not? If you come back, will they love you? Or will they accept you? My love for you is infinite, but sadly I’ll die next week and won’t be able to protect you if you do come back. And if you don’t come back, will we be able to meet in the afterlife, if there is one? So I’m not sure, I want you to live, but I don’t want you to suffer, I dont want to other people make you suffer, I want you to be happy. Nghhhh this is complicated.

Everybody is sad, but I’m even more sad that everyone combined. I’m glad they don’t hate you, that in fact will do the thing for you too. He’s gonna pay for everything he’s done, I swear. We swear!

You know? He and I are very similar, although our motives for each action sometimes differ. We care too much about our appearance, we are praised as “good and talented” when in reality we aren’t and we both know that. We have corrupt and sick politicians as parents. We both feel we don’t deserve anything, we lie too much because we need to, we had very hard lives. We are both very lonely, scared and desperate. We don’t believe in friendship, we are generally envious of people who have so much. We wish things would be been different. He took and I will take the worst course of action because we don’t know better.

But in the end he was so brave.

We will both escape our fate by dying, because there is no other option, and if there was, we don’t see it or we have already tried.

Maybe this is why I love you so much, because I can really understand you.

I hope we can meet in the afterlife, if there is one. I know how lonely you are and how difficult is to confide in people because they won’t help you, they will only judge you.

Is death really the only way for you and me? For people like us?

I wish it wasn’t. I wish somebody could save us.

But it’s too late, isn’t it?

I still love you, and will love you until I die, and if I can still love you after that it’ll be awesome.

I feel a bit better after writing all of this. I really needed to do it.