Ever since i was young i often questioned my own worth, my value, my life. I often questioned why am i even alive but as the years passed i have suffered through many mental issues but my family doesnt seem to care they think of it as a joke. It started off from me burning myself (with lighters, matches, cigarettes, etc) to cutting and to having eating disorders at age 13, I thought i was absolutely hideous and i would force myself to throw up, not eat, or if i was eating i would just chew the food and then spit it out. Anywho, as time passed by i was a freshman in highschool (and as all of you know highschool is never easy, its the time where you figure out what you want to do with your life and what you want to become in 10 years and see yourself succeed and all that corny sterotypical shit) but the thing is, i didnt want to even be alive during that present. I wanted to fade away and just move on because i was never happy, suicide was on my mind 24/7 i was diagusted that people around me were so happy and in love or have friends or have the perfect happy family that cared for them and i was jealous.. i often thought….why couldnt that be me? I would come home to an abusive brother, a mother that ignored me, constant arguing and fighting by my family. I often got compared to my brother or other girls by my mom..”why cant you get grades”, “why do you dress like that” , “YOU HAVE TO CONFORM MAX” followed by a slap in the face. My hell was everywhere. I didnt have an escape. I would take walks in the woods or even around my town at the time and just think and think and think. I always thought of the diffreng ways i can end everything, like i coukd jump into traffic right now and get hit or i could just slit my wrists right here, right now. “Not like anyone cares” i cried alot. I cried so much eventually i became numb and found pleaure in self inflecting harm towards myself. Sophmore year was different, i was rebellious i was the typical “i dont give a fuck anymore” and just did anything to relieve the damn emptiness i felt inside. I became friends with a group a girls and a guy . They were the best people i met lol anyways, they saw how depressed i was, saw all my bruises and scars and burns and it pained them so they tried to encourage me to smoke some weed that it would help me calm down. What can i say? I got addicted . I became curious but i wasnt satisfied. I wanted much more. They showed me other drugs such as ecstasy, shrooms, cocaine, lsd, etc. It all started with a little next thing you know i was popping like 10 ecatasy pills every week, snorting cocaine in the bathroom, and ditching school with them to get high off of who knows what, i was happy and living life for a moment. One day i came home on the bus and i was still high off the coke and ecstasy as soon as i got home i got a seizure and ended up in a hospital. My mom was there, she was fueling with anger and sadness and when i was awake i was having a withdrawl and that stirred up my anxiety . They kept me in the hospital for a few days until i got to go back home. Time passes, and i had moved. I moved away from my friends and my addictions. Moved to a town in Arizona , by this time i was a junior and i had mood swings because i didnt get to the things that i did so i had to look for somwthing to relieve me from this stress . I started school and i saw this guy that i thiught was super attractive and i developed a little crush on him and as you know, we ended up dating. Me and him clicked easily i thought. But little by little it came crumbling down. He was abusive. Verbally. Mentally. Physically. But he swooned me it was like i was under his spell. I was lusted by him, boom. I found my new drug. I hated him with all my guts but i coukdnt help but lust over him either i thought i was in love but i waw wrong. As my little romance died out i was left again, in pain searching for something to fill that void. Senior year. I moved again and i was 17 i was mentally and emotionally drained so that year passed by quickly because i just didnt bother to communicate or talk or make friends if they were just going to leave or abandon me. Keep in mind, everyday afterschool id be in hell again because i woukd be getting abused and threatend by my own flesh and blood so i didnt trust nobody. I tried lots of suicide attempts but failed. Thats what i am right? A failure? Thats right, thats all i thiught about. After i graduated, i became even more lost. Im still lost. Im so far gone i dont even think anyone would change my mind at this point. Im in a living nightmare that i cant seem to get out of. I dont know what i want. I dont know who i am. Im just empty. Im alone. Im miserable. Im an 18 year old just hanging on by a thread. I dont even know why im writing this right now to be honest lol.. i want to die, but..i want to live just a s much. I want to feel happiness, love.. im crying for help but no one seems to care. Im trying to be a better person but i cant seem to find the effort. Whats even worthy of me? Why am i alive? Im alive but barely living.
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