passing feelings

November 8th, 2017by slg7

last night, my girlfriend and I had a disagreement. you see, I am 32 years old and when I was 23 i made a mistake and stole $5,000 from the supermarket I worked for. it is a never-ending struggle to succeed in life because that felony charge stays with you. it happened to be in the state of arizona and they don’t expunge felonies they just “set them aside”. I cannot afford to do that so here I am back to where I started.

back to the disagreement from last night. we had gotten phones together via tmobile buy one get one free and so our rebate had come finally in the mail. I activated the card and paid off her phone as was the plan we had since she put the $300 deposit down. after paying off the one phone there is $270 left on the card. now being me, I decided it’d be funny to joke that I used the whole gift card and there was no money left. mind you, after texting her I paid off the phone she automatically replies “noooo” as if assuming I spent the entire card amount anyway.

so, I ask why are you freaking out? I was supposed to pay the phone off.she goes yeah but there was supposed to be money left that I needed for things.. blah blah. so… I continue with my joke (which she already assumed I spent the money, why not?) I tell her I didn’t know she wanted the money and that there isn’t any left. then she goes “hence the noooo” and then replies “I wish you would’ve asked me”.

after that I then go, “jk, I didn’t use all of the remaining money there is $270 left and I’ll give you the card when I see you next.” she didn’t like that at all. she replied “….” and then being me, I am like “you’ve been phone tapped. bazinga!(she is the one who watches big bang and told me about bazinga, I thought she’d laugh). well…. that was probably the worse thing I could say… she called me phony and that I never should joke about people’s money and that I probably was hoping she’d forget about the rebate so I could have the money (accusing me of stealing it, hence my back story). I was super offended.

honestly though, it put me in such a down mood…. I’m not super stable all the time anyway… I stumbled upon this site. we had that disagreement at 9:30pm it is now 1:06pm the next day and we haven’t spoken. I don’t really want to be the one yet again.. to text first. I feel like it wasn’t a super huge deal. I already apologized. I shouldn’t have to grovel. we are supposed to see each other but at this rate that isn’t going to happen.

I don’t know… I don’t know if I should care.. if I should not be offended. if I should give in and text her…. I don’t know.

this isn’t the first time she’s behaved like this.. the other day she asked me “what do you think I’d get arrested for?” I said “for being hot” and she lost it…. she called me annoying and got really pissed off. saying things like you always do that, you always say annoying things and can never give a real answer”. like jesus christ….. if I’m such an obnoxious person why bother dating me for five years?

so… trouble with her, brings me to turmoil. I am not close with anyone, I have one real friend who I never see because I don’t want to hang out with her. like my girlfriend is my friend, my lover, etc. I know that isn’t good, I know I should find happiness within myself but my life isn’t that great and there isn’t much happiness to be found within it.

this is why… I wish I was dead. I want to be murdered so people can feel bad I died for a second. I don’t think there’d be anyone at my funeral that genuinely cared that I had died; except maybe my parents? I don’t know, they hate me most of the time too.

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