Ready to do this.

  November 10th, 2017 by RuePrism

Why: Because… I’m miserable. No matter what I do, I’m miserable.

I was previously in a relationship for five years. With a girl I thought I was in love with. We were all set to move across the country and start life and everything… But the truth was, I stopped loving her a while before we ended it, and I was just staying with her because it was easy. It was stable. I could have a future where I wasn’t ecstatic with myself, but I was content. What was the alternative, right?

And then we ended it. And I moved back in with my parents. And, I won’t lie, I enjoyed myself at first. I felt freedom. I could do what I want when I wanted it.  No more answering to my ex.

But then it started getting awful. Waking up alone stopped being blissful and just depressing. I drove to work everyday to a job I utterly loathed, driving through a town where we had several dates and was just constantly, painfully reminded of better times. I had no friends at my job, just people I tolerated at best; fought to keep from strangling at worst, while dealing with horrific customers nonstop. It became abundantly clear at this point that my social anxiety was out of control. If I didn’t leave this job, I’d burn the place down.

And what blows is that after a long search, with ridicule from my parents every step of the way, I did get a job. But not what I applied for, oh no. I asked for a job away from customers. It would be challenging, but I’d get the peace of mind I craved. Nope, I got a job doing the exact fucking same thing I was doing before. Only now in a more stressful environment and a boss who made me want to curl up in a ball and die rather than deal with him screaming at me one more time for bullshit I have no control over.
And after one more shitty day of work, I come home and realize. What the fuck is the point? I can’t get a job that will pay me well enough to afford to live on my own. I don’t have any friends or family I like enough to live with. I can’t stand my parents’ mocking and insulting long enough to save up to get out to somewhere else. I miss being in a relationship, but I don’t. I want someone close to me, but I don’t. I’m miserable working my shitty job, but I’d be just as miserable doing my dream job.  At the end of the day… you can’t get away from people. Not from customers who make you want to claw your face off rather than engage in one more awkward conversation in. Not from family who’s done nothing but tell you it’ll never be enough. Not from friends who you come to realize were never people you even liked, just people you had common interests with.
Well… you can get away, I guess. Which I’ll be doing this weekend.

Wish me luck everyone.

Processing your request, Please wait....